“Where?” He looked in the rearview between Pop and I for instructions, but Pop was too busy looking me over.
“Anywhere, just get outta here.”
“You’re good; tell me what happened in there.”
“Give me a minute, Pop; I’ll tell you everything.” First, I had to get my thoughts together. Now it all makes sense. The gaunt, far away look I’d noticed since my return that I’d suspected was about more than her mother being ill or dying.
And Jr., nothing will convince me that he didn’t know or suspect something. The look on his face when he ran into the room, his own rebellious nature that seems to have ramped up here of late, and his willingness to self-destruct.
Why didn’t I think of any of this? Because I didn’t care. I didn’t expect to, at any rate. But I can’t get the looks on both of their faces out of my head. I won’t know until I get back there and ask, but I think I have it figured out. Ricci is even lower than I thought, and I always thought he was lower than pond scum. How long….?
“What is it? Why do you have that look on your face?” Pop was about to spaz.
“Pop, I need a favor.” Should I even be asking this? It’s a lot, but I have no other alternative, not right now.
“Ask me, anything, it’s yours.
“I need to send Natalia and Jr. home with you. I’m not sure how Ma would react to having them there….”
“Did something happen?” I gave him the quick version.
“Fucking monster. Did you kill him?”
“Too many eyes.” Not that I doubt for one second that Sal wouldn’t find a way to get me off. “What about it? Can you do it?”
“If that’s what you want, and don’t worry about your mother, she’s not the type of person to hold kids accountable for shit like this.”
I gave him a look because right now, my control was hanging on by a thread.
“Gabe, is that what you think?” I blinked and looked away. “Tommy, take us back to the hotel.” I started to question his suggestion, but he covered my hand on the seat between us with his, and I just nodded. Another layer of the well-hidden truth exposed. I’m too tired to care.
“Gabe, do you really think your mother blames you? Or holds you responsible for any of this?” We’d made it to the hotel room, where I couldn’t sit still. I hate having to wait to do things that need doing now.
“Not consciously, no, but we can’t escape the fact that I’m the product of her worst experience. She’s human, after all; there’s bound to be some sort of resentment, something. I know she’s spent my lifetime doing her best; she even got me the world’s best dad, none better.”
“But Pop, let’s be real. There’s no way she doesn’t feel something each time she looks at me and is reminded of that night. It may not be hate, but it’s not all love. I’ve come to terms with that.”
“Is that why? Is that why you were so quick to want to forfeit your life? Because you think no one loves you? That we blame you?”
“Pop, none of this is important right now; I need to know if you can get those two out of here to safety.” I can’t believe I messed up. I was so focused on Ricci I missed all the signs. “I need to get back there soon, I can’t leave Sal alone to handle this, and Martin won’t be back for another day or so.”
“You’re not leaving like this, not until you answer me. Did you do all this, came after Ricci, intended to end yourself because you thought you were undeserving of love? That your mother and I held you responsible for something you had no control over? I thought you were smarter than this, or maybe I’m the one who’s at fault. I obviously didn’t show you enough love. Your mother and I failed; I’m sorry.”
What’s he saying. “Pop, I didn’t mean it like that.”
“Then what do you mean? You’ve spent most of your teen years swallowed up by this thing, you’ve been a model son for as long as I can remember, you’ve always excelled, gone above and beyond expectation, are you telling me you did all that because you thought you owed us for keeping you?”
“Pop!”
“No, Gabriel, this breaks my fucking heart. How could you believe such a thing? What about your sisters? Do you think they love you out of obligation too? Or do you think because they don’t know the truth about your birth that that makes a difference? And Lance, does he not love you either? Do you think he’d stop if he ever found out?”
“Have you not known that we all love you for you? That you’re worthy of love? You’re a part of the glue that holds this family together. Your love and compassion, your willingness to fight for the underdog when no one else would, and the fact that you do it so selflessly, doesn’t that count for anything?”