Requiem (Delirium 3)

We have to move, she says. Give support where it can do good. The resistance is still gathering strength, gathering people

What about Pippa? Hunter bursts out. Pippa said to wait for her. She said

Hunter, Tack says. You heard what Cap said. He lowers his voice. Wiped out.

Theres another moment of heavy silence. I see a muscle twitch in my mothers jawa new ticand she turns away, so I can see the faded green number tattooed along her neck, just beneath the vicious spate of angry scars, the products of all her failed procedures. I think about the years she spent in her tiny, windowless cell in the Crypts, chipping away at the walls with the metal pendant my father had given her, carving the word Love endlessly over the stone. And somehow, now, after less than a year of freedom, she has entered the resistance. More than that. She is at its center.

I dont know this woman at all; I dont know how she became who she is, or when her jaw began to twitch and her hair began to gray, and she began to pull a veil over her eyes, and avoid the gaze of her daughter.

So where do we go? Raven asks.

Max and Cap exchange a look. Theres something stirring up north, Max says. In Portland.

Portland? I parrot the word without meaning to speak. My mother glances up at me, and I think she looks afraid. Then she drops her eyes.

Thats where you come from, right? Raven asks me.

I lean back against the sink, close my eyes for a second, and have a vision of my mother on the beach, running ahead of me, laughing, kicking up dark sand, a loose green tunic dress snapping around her ankles. I open my eyes again quickly and manage to nod.

I cant go back there.

The words come out with more force than I intended, and everyone turns to look at me.

If we go anywhere, we all go together, Raven says.

Theres a big underground in Portland, Max says. The network is growinghas been since the Incidents. That was only the beginning. Whats going to happen next . . . He shakes his head, eyes bright. Its going to be big.

I cant, I repeat. And I wont. Memories are coming fast: Hana running next to me by Back Cove, our sneakers squelching in the mud; fireworks over the bay on the Fourth of July, sending tentacles of light over the water; Alex and me lying, laughing, on the blanket at 37 Brooks; Grace shivering next to me in the bedroom at Aunt Carols, wrapping her thin arms around my waist, her smell of grape bubblegum. Layers and layers of memories, a life I have tried to bury and killa past that was dead, like Raven always saidsuddenly surging, threatening to pull me under.

And with the memories comes the guilt, another feeling I have tried so hard to bury. I left them: Hana and Grace, and Alex, too. I left them and I ran, and I didnt look back.

Its not your decision, Tack says.

Raven says, Dont be a baby, Lena.

Normally, I back down when Raven and Tack gang up on me. But not today. I push the guilt down under a heavy fist of anger. Everyone is staring at me, but I can feel my mothers eyes like a burnher blank curiosity, as though Im a specimen in a museum, some ancient, foreign tool whose purpose shes trying to decipher.

I wont. I slam down the can opener, too hard, on the counter.

Whats the matter with you? Raven says in a low voice. But it has gone so quiet in the room, Im sure that everyone hears.

My throat is so tight I can hardly swallow. I realize, all of a sudden, that I am on the verge of tears. Ask her, I manage to say, jerking my chin toward the woman who calls herself Bee.

Theres another moment of silence. All the eyes turn on my mother now. At least she looks guiltyshe knows shes a fraud, this woman who wants to lead a revolution for love and doesnt even acknowledge her own daughter.

Just then Bram comes sailing down the stairs, whistling. Hes holding a large knife, which is wet with bloodhe must have been cutting up the deer. His T-shirt is streaked with it too. He stops when he sees us standing there in silence.

Whats up? he says. Whatd I miss? Then, as he takes in my mom, Cap, and Max: Who are you?

The sight of all that blood makes my stomach heave. Were killers, all of us: We kill our lives, our past selves, the things that mattered. We bury them under slogans and excuses. Before I can begin crying, I wrench away from the sink and push past Bram so roughly, he lets out a yelp of surprise. I pound up the stairs and throw myself outside, into the open air and the warm afternoon and the throaty sound of the woods opening up to spring.

But even outside I feel claustrophobic. Theres no place to go. Theres no way to escape the crushing sense of loss, the endless exhaustion of time sawing away at the people and things that Ive loved.

Hana, Grace, Alex, my mother, the sea-spray salt-air Portland mornings and the distant cries of the wheeling seagullsall of them broken, splintered, lodged somewhere deep, impossible to shake loose.

Maybe, after all, they were right about the cure. I am no happier than I was when I believed that love was a disease. In many ways, I am less happy.

I get only a few minutes away from the safe house before I stop fighting the pressure behind my eyes. My first cries are convulsions, and bring up the taste of bile. I let go completely. I sink onto the tangle of undergrowth and soft moss, put my head between my legs, and sob until I cant breathe, until Im spitting up on the leaves between my legs. I cry for everything I abandoned and because I, too, have been left behindby Alex, by my mom, by time that has cut through our worlds and separated us.

I hear footsteps behind me and know, without turning around, that it will be Raven. Go away, I say. My voice sounds thick. I drag the back of my hand across my cheeks and nose.

But its my mother who responds. Youre angry at me, she says.

I stop crying at once. My whole body goes cold and still. She squats down beside me, and even though Im careful not to look up, not to look at her at all, I can feel her, can smell the sweat from her skin and hear the ragged pattern of her breathing.

Youre angry at me, she repeats, and her voice hitches a little. You think I dont care.

Her voice is the same. For years I used to imagine that voice lilting over those forbidden words: I love you. Remember. They cannot take it. Her last words to me before she went away.

She shuffles forward and squats next to me. She hesitates, then reaches out and places her palm against my cheek, and turns my head toward hers so Im forced to look at her. I can feel the calluses on her fingers.

In her eyes, I see myself reflected in miniature, and I tunnel back to a time before she left, before I believed she was gone forever, when her eyes welcomed me into every day and shepherded me, every night, into sleep.

You turned out even more beautiful than Id imagined, she whispers. She, too, is crying.

The hard casement inside me breaks.

Why? is the only word that comes. Without intending to or even thinking about it, I allow her to draw me against her chest, let her wrap her arms around me. I cry into the space between her collarbones, inhaling the still-familiar smell of her skin.

There are so many things I need to ask her: What happened to you in the Crypts? How could you let them take you away? Where did you go? But all I can say is: Why didnt you come for me? After all those yearsall that timewhy didnt you come? Then I cant speak at all; my sobs become shudders.

Shhh. She presses her lips to my forehead, strokes my hair, just like she used to when I was a child. I am a baby once again in her armshelpless and needy. Im here now.

She rubs my back while I cry. Slowly, I feel the darkness drain out of me, as though pulled away by the motion of her hand. Finally I can breathe again. My eyes are burning, and my throat feels raw and sore. I draw away from her, wiping my eyes with the heel of my hand, not even caring that my nose is running. Im suddenly exhaustedtoo tired to be hurt, too tired to be angry. I want to sleep, and sleep.

I never stopped thinking about you, my mother says. I thought of you every dayyou and Rachel.

Rachel was cured, I say. The exhaustion is a heaviness; it blankets out every feeling. She got paired and she left. And you let me think you were dead. Id still think you were dead if If it werent for Alex, I think, but dont say. Of course my mother doesnt know the story of Alex. She knows none of my stories.

My mother looks away. For a second I think she will begin to cry again. But she doesnt. When I was in that place away, thinking of youmy two beautiful girlswas the only thing that kept me going. It was the only thing that kept me sane. Her voice holds an edge, an undercurrent of anger, and I think of visiting the Crypts with Alex: the stifling darkness and echoing, inhuman cries; the smell of Ward Six, the cells like cages.

I persist, stubbornly: It was hard for me, too. I had no one. And you could have come for me after you escaped. You could have told me . . . My voice breaks, and I swallow. After you found me at Salvagewe were touching, you could have shown me your face, you could have said something. . . .

Lena. My mom reaches out to touch my face again, but this time she sees me stiffen, and she drops her hand with a sigh. Did you ever read the Book of Lamentations? Did you read about Mary Magdalene and Joseph? Did you ever wonder why I named you what I did?

I read it. I read the Book of Lamentations at least a dozen times at least; it is the chapter of The Book of Shhh I know the best. I looked for clues, for secret signs from my mother, for whispers from the dead.

The Book of Lamentations is a story of love. More than that: Its a story of sacrifice.

I just wanted you to be safe, my mother says. Do you understand that? Safe, and happy. Anything I could do . . . even if it meant I couldnt be with you . . .

Her voice gets thick and I have to look away from her, to stop the grief from welling up once again. My mother aged in a small square room with only a bit of eked-out hope, words scratched on the walls day by day, to keep her going.

If I hadnt believed, if I hadnt been able to trust that . . . There were many times I thought about . . . She trails off.

Theres no need for her to finish her sentence. I understand what she means: There were times she wanted to die.

I remember I used to imagine her sometimes standing on the edge of a cliff, coat billowing behind her. I would see her. For one second, she would always remain suspended in the air, hovering, like a vision of an angel. But always, even in my head, the cliff disappeared, and I would see her falling. I remember how I used to have nightmares in which I would stand, helpless, as she walked off the edge of a cliff, coat billowing behind her. For one second, she would remain suspended in the air, hovering, like a vision; then all at once she would fall. I wonder if, in some way, she was reaching out to me through the echoes of space on those nightswhether I could sense her.