“You didn’t just violate me, you caused Gary’s death. Even if I could forgive you for the first offense, I sure as hell won’t pardon you for the second. No, Lamar, as long as I live, I’ll hold a grudge.
“Until I saw you this morning, I was under the misconception that time had anesthetized me. Then there you were, and it all came rushing back, as horrendously vivid as ever. I was on my back in the cold mud again, begging the three of you not to do it.” Her eyes narrowed dangerously. “I’ll never forget it, and as long as I remember it, you will remain unforgiven.”
He stared at a spot beyond her shoulder. The handsome features of his face were drawn with sadness and resignation. Finally his eyes swung back to her. “That’s what I figured you would say. I thought—hoped—it was worth a try.” He turned toward the door, but paused and came back around. “I don’t suppose it would do any good to add that I’m sorry.”
“No.”
Dejectedly, he nodded his head and went out, pulling the door closed behind him. Jade rushed to the door and quickly locked it. She pressed her forehead against the hard wood until it hurt. Their taunting words echoed inside her head. Neal had held her arms and goaded Lamar into taking his turn. Hutch, panting from his recent exertion, called Lamar a faggot for being squeamish. Covering her ears, Jade turned her back to the door and slid down its cool surface until her bottom touched the floor. She bent her head over her raised knees and, just as she had that night, she moaned plaintively, “No, please don’t.”
But Lamar had done it anyway and had seemed extremely proud of himself afterward. How dare he come to her now, airing his guilty conscience, revealing his tormenting secret, and asking her forgiveness?
To him it must appear that she had survived the incident and was doing well. He didn’t know that, even after months of therapy, she was incapable of accepting or returning a man’s affection. That night had been imprinted on her soul as indelibly as a birthmark. She wou
ld never be rid of it. It was a life sentence that she couldn’t ask anyone else to share, especially not someone as precious to her as Hank.
Because of the circumstances, she had been able to avoid him today. But tomorrow she would tell him that she would never be able to express her love physically. It was impossible for her to be what he wanted her to be, what he deserved to have. This time, she must make him believe and accept it.
The darkness in her heart matched the night. The silence of the house closed in around her. She mourned for Graham, who wouldn’t have Poppy in his life anymore. Her heart was broken for Cathy, who had lost her husband and best friend. She grieved for Hank and the heartache she must inflict on him.
In the bleak hours of the night, she almost envied Mitch his newfound peace.
* * *
Jade graduated from Dander College at the top of her class. In her speech at the commencement exercise, she publicly thanked the late dean, Dr. Mitchell Hearon, for having shown faith in her. Cathy took dozens of pictures of her in her cap and gown and held a reception in her honor.
The day Jade left Miss Dorothy Davis’s store for the last time, the old woman’s back was as straight as ever, but there were tears in her eyes. “It’s just as well that I’ve got the store up for sale,” she sniffed. “It would take me weeks to find someone to replace you.”
What she was really saying was that she could never replace Jade, and they both knew it. For the last year of her employment there, Jade had supervised the entire operation of the store. The other employees answered to her. Miss Dorothy had merely been a figurehead.
“I want you to have this,” she said, handing Jade a white envelope. Inside it was the first check Miss Dorothy had made out in years.
“Five thousand dollars!” Jade exclaimed when she read the spidery handwriting.
“You’ve earned it. If I left it to you in my will, the damned attorneys would end up with it,” she said cantankerously.
“I don’t know what to say.”
“Say goodbye. You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
For fear that she would break Miss Dorothy’s brittle bones, Jade didn’t hug her as tightly as she wanted to. She would miss the store and its eccentric owner, but not nearly as much as she would miss Cathy. Leaving Cathy would be much worse than her separation from her mother.
When she reached home, she sat in the driveway looking at the house and remembering that morning she had audaciously carried Graham up the front steps. He came sprinting through that same door now. He was a sturdy boy with Irish blue eyes and the hint of a vertical cleft in his chin. He wasn’t even winded when he reached the car.
“Cathy wants to know why you’re sitting out here in the car.”
Because I dread going inside and imparting my news, she thought. To him she said, “I was waiting for my best boy to come out here and get me.”
“Me?”
“None other. What did you do today?”
As they walked toward the house, he chattered about Sesame Street and a trip to the “place with lots of flowers.”
“The nursery,” Cathy said, having overheard the tail end of their conversation. The three of them gravitated to the kitchen, where Jade usually visited with Cathy while she prepared dinner. “I bought some impatiens for the pots on the front porch.”
“They’ll be pretty there. What color?”
Jade tried to keep the conversation lively, but, when it flagged, she realized that it was her fault, not Cathy’s. She couldn’t delay the inevitable any longer.