My cell vibrated in my hand, but I couldn’t look away from Knox as he stared at me, promising whatever we had wasn’t over. He’d hurt me, but it didn’t mean I had the upper hand. He always had that. He was always the one who controlled everything. I may have gotten away from him, but I wasn’t sure it would stay like that, not if he had his way.
“Leave me alone,” I repeated, this time my voice a little stronger. His response was to wink, stand to his full height, and then saunter away. Just like that, he was gone, but I knew it wasn’t the end. Knox didn’t give up that easily.
I didn’t move my gaze off my side mirror as I watched him walk across the lot and to his car. I hadn’t even checked to see who was still parked here when I’d walked out the doors. I’d waited that long in the bathroom, and I’d failed at the last hurdle. I always seemed to fail at the last hurdle.
My breaths came in pants as he started up his car, and with a honk of his horn, he left the lot and me behind. For now.
Asher: Message me when you get home so I know you’re safe.
My thumb typed a reply as I tried to gather myself. I wanted to tell him I was already home because I was in my car, but instead, I made it seem like nothing. I made myself sound easy-breezy when I was never that way.
Elodie: Sure :)
The added emoji made me come across light-hearted, but in reality, I was hanging on by a thread. I wasn’t sure where to go from here or how to act. All I knew was I needed to expose some of the emotions I felt, and there was only one place I could do that—the dance studio.
I started my engine, reversed out of the space, and headed toward Aleste’s studio. I didn’t have a shift tonight, so I could fill my time practicing for the next competition in seven weeks, and let out all of my anger and frustration.
Aleste was finishing off a class by the time I got there. “Last class is in two hours, so you can’t use the studio until then.”
“That’s fine,” I told her. “I don’t have anywhere to be, so I could help out?”
She smiled, that big proud kind of smile. “Okay. It’s a deal.”
She ushered a group of girls into the studio whose moms were waiting as they did their lesson, and I followed the kids in. I remembered taking this exact class when I was their age, but there hadn’t been half the kids in it that there was now. Dancing had become so much more over the last decade, and it made me thankful but also envious because it meant there were more people out there trying to make a living off of dancing—more competition.
I got changed into my leotard in the back and came into the studio to warm up a little, and by the time I was ready, the next class was coming in. This time I helped the kids to get the right lines, and I found myself losing sense of time. Dance always had a way of making me do that. I left all the shit at the door, all the thoughts and bad memories. While I was inside these four walls, all that existed was movement and freedom.
“You did good today,” Aleste said, standing in the middle of the dance floor as all the students filed out into the main reception part of the studio. “You have a gift of showing the kids how to do it right.”
“I enjoyed it,” I told her, and it was the truth. I’d needed the distraction, but it had been fun.
“Are you going to help out on weekends like we’d discussed?”
“Yeah.” I was supposed to start last weekend, but I hadn’t wanted to possibly expose what had happened to me. Part of me wondered if Aleste had already found out. I’d asked Asher to keep my secret, but he hadn’t been the only one to witness it. There had been other people there.
“Good.” She patted me on the arm. “I need to head home, so can you lock up after you’ve finished practicing?”
It wasn’t the first time she’d asked me to lock up, and I always triple-checked the doors when I was given the responsibility. “Sure.”
“I’ll leave the keys on the desk in my office.”
She smiled one last time, then twirled around and walked out of the studio. I waited until she’d left and then went to the doors and made sure they were locked. I didn’t want anyone to be able to wander inside, so as soon as I knew I was safe, I relaxed and went back into the studio.
I put my song on repeat, and moved my arms into my starting position, and then I was away. My muscles rejoiced as I hit each line, and I bled out onto the dance floor. I let myself be truly me as the beats thrummed through the system and became part of my heartbeat. I breathed each move, lived each step. I became the dance, and the dance became me.
Over and over, I repeated it. The sky darkened, and I didn’t stop, not until my leotard was covered in sweat, and my body was so spent I felt like I could barely walk. I’d gone too far, practiced too hard, but it was worth it. It was worth the feeling of euphoria it gave me, even though I knew as soon as I exited the studio, everything would hit me heavier than it had before, but for now, I was as light as a feather and had a smile on my face.
I stared at myself in the mirror and took in the shadows of bruising where the makeup I’d worn had sweated off. The purple and green were now turning brown, and it wouldn’t be long before they’d be gone altogether, but I’d never forget. I’d never forget the way Knox made me feel, but more than that, I’d always remember how liberated I was to finally say no.
Taking one last breath, I then turned away from my reflection and headed toward the bathroom. There was only a sink and toilet in here, but it would be enough to clean myself up, and I could even get changed into some comfy clothes and use the bathroom early in the morning before school and before Aleste would get here. It would mean I had to sleep near here, but as I finished up and headed out, I remembered the alley toward the back of the rows of stores on the other side.
It was nearly midnight by the time I was back in my car, and not one shop on the street was open. It was deserted, and although it should have made me feel unsafe, it didn’t. No one would see me. No one would know I’d slept in my car for the last couple of nights. It was another secret to add to the pile of secrets.
I headed toward the alley and found a spot where I couldn’t be seen from the road, then turned the engine off. I made myself a makeshift sandwich with two slices of bread and a packet of chips. It was enough to satisfy the immediate hunger, but I’d have to have something more than a snack for breakfast like I usually did.
I pushed my seat right back, grabbed my blanket, and pulled it over me, settling down for hopefully at least five hours' sleep. It wasn’t really enough, but it was a more realistic amount. I never really slept properly anyway, not when I needed to be on guard constantly.
My mind was blank as I started to drift off, and just as I was about to dip over the hill of sleep land, knocking blasted out from the window beside me. I screamed so loud I nearly burst my own eardrums. My eyes flung open and I grabbed the nearest thing to me to use as a weapon. The knocking stopped, and I turned to look out of my window, not able to make out the huge figure, but when the words, “What the fuck are you doing?” rang out, I knew exactly who it was.