“Nothing,” I say, way too quickly to remotely come across as true.
“Yeah,” he scoffs. “And I’m a woman.”
“You are?” I gasp. “Well, you learn something new every day, eh.”
I smirk at him and pick up the camera, taking photos of nothing in particular, it keeps me busy and that’s what I need right now.
“Ah, come on, Kit. Tell me what’s up.”
“Fuck,” I whisper. “I can’t.”
The atmosphere in the van becomes thick and I look over at Luke, his ice blue eyes watching me in that way that he always does, assessing me. Apart from Evan, he’s the one that I’m closest to. Being welcomed into this team is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I’m trusted and valued, something that’s never happened before.
“You know, a problem shared is a problem halved.”
I place my fingers on my temples, rubbing against the headache that I can feel coming on.
“I’m sleeping with Charlie,” I mumble quietly, but I know he heard me because of the small confined space that we’re in. There’s barely enough room to fit me and Luke in the back of this van with all the equipment that we have in here to do our job, computer screens that Evan installed line the side, showing us live footage from outside.
“Fuck me,” Luke spits. “You couldn’t have picked someone simple?”
I spin around to face him, my eyes wide and my mouth open.
“We met before I came to the compound,” I explain. “I didn’t know who he was at first but…”
“But now you do, and you’re still sleeping with him?” I nod silently, not knowing what else to say. “So what happened?”
I shake my head, not wanting to tell him what happened, how I’ll never be anything but a piece of ass to Charlie. I’m embarrassed by the fact that even though I know this, I still go back to him time and time again.
After a few minutes, I decide I need to get it off my chest so I turn to Luke and mumble, “I asked if he thought his mom would like me.”
Luke chuckles and shakes his head, his eyes connecting with mine. “You know about Emmy, right?”
“Yeah,” I huff, the breath leaving my body in a whoosh and my shoulders slumping.
“Listen,” Luke says, placing his hand over mine. “I don’t wanna be harsh, Kit, but Charlie will never look at you the same way that he did Emmy. She was his high school sweetheart, things happened between them that can only happen once in a lifetime.”
My jaw clenches as I see the pity on his face, his words ringing in my ears over and over again.
“How do you know that?” I growl, moving my hand from underneath his and straightening my back. “Who said that kind of love only ever happens once?”
Luke shakes his head at me, just like my dad used to all the time and I can’t stop the anger that bubbles up inside of me and releases like a volcano.
“Fuck you, Luke! Fuck you and your opinions. I didn’t ask what you think!” My hands clench into fists as I turn to face the front of the van, refusing to meet his eyes when he sighs my name.
“I didn’t mean it like that, I just… ah fuck… I don’t know.” His hand covers my clenched fist where it sits on my thigh and I look down at it, hating that I know deep down that there’s some truth to his words. “I just don’t want to see you get hurt.”
I soften at his confession and the fight starts to wane. It’s not him that’s the problem, it’s me and Charlie, I shouldn’t be taking it out on him.
“It’s fine,” I tell him, looking up to his eyes. “Forget about it.”
That was the first time I realized that I’ll never be more than someone to keep his bed warm at night. It didn’t matter how many times Charlie said it to me, it never su
nk in, but when someone from the outside told me, it stuck and it’s never left me.
I place the frame down on top of the dresser and walk to my bag, pulling out my bottle of pills and pouring four out into the palm of my hand.
Grabbing a bottle of water out of the kitchen, I twist the top and stare at them. I hesitate for a second before throwing the pills into my mouth and swallowing them down with a mouthful of water, not giving a damn that I shouldn’t be taking this many.