o where Charlie lies next to me, his lips parted with his arm under his head as he faces me while he sleeps.
My eyes scan the dark room, trying to find what’s woken me, but there’s nothing but the red numbers flashing on Charlie’s alarm clock.
2:30 a.m. stares back at me, taunting me.
I scratch at the skin on my arm, the itchiness getting more intense the more that I scratch. I need a shower, a shower and… shit!
I jump up out of the bed, running over to my jeans and checking the pocket. I open up the bottle even though I already know that I don’t have any in there. I fall down onto the floor, bringing my knees to my chest, rocking back and forth.
I shouldn’t have let myself run out, especially not here, not now.
My eyes flick up to Charlie where he still lies asleep on the bed. Would he notice if I borrowed his SUV and drove to Wayward?
No, I can’t do that.
I shake my head rapidly and use the wall to help me stand, stumbling into the bathroom and turning the shower on and stepping in, letting the cold water wash over me.
It hits me like a thousand tiny needles are shooting against my skin and I gasp at the sensation before turning it to warm.
I lean my head back on the black tiles that line the shower cubicle wall, letting the water wash all of the sweat away before I lather up some of Charlie’s body wash. The smell relaxes me slightly but I’m still on edge.
I shuffle down the tiled wall, bringing my knees to my chest and wrapping my arms around them, the tears falling from my eyes mixing in with the flow of the water.
This isn’t who I am, it isn’t who I ever wanted to be. Why? Why did this happen to me?
All I ever wanted was a peaceful life. I wanted to meet someone, fall in love with them and have them love me for who I am and not what my last name is… was. I wanted to make a family, at some stage. I wanted… I didn’t want this.
I switch the water off and climb out slowly, wrapping a towel around me and wiping the condensation off the mirror. I have bags under my eyes that never used to be there, my skin is ghostly pale and I can see the weight loss from the way my cheekbones are starting to protrude.
What am I doing to myself?
It doesn’t matter how much I can see what is happening to me, it isn’t making the craving for the pills any less. I need them, and I can feel my breaths getting faster and shallower just at the thought of never taking them again.
I open the door to the bedroom, slowly peeking around it to see if Charlie is still asleep. When I see that he is, I grab some panties and a sports bra, shove them on and then push my legs through some leggings before I pull Charlie’s discarded t-shirt from earlier over my head.
I close the bedroom door softly, saying a silent sorry to Charlie and then picking his keys up off the kitchen counter and walking out the front door.
My hands shake as I get into his SUV and it takes several attempts to get the key in the ignition. When I do, I close my eyes, take a deep breath and turn it, bringing the engine roaring to life and pulling out of the driveway, heading straight to Wayward.
As I get closer I realize that people will notice whose car it is, so I’ll need to park a couple of blocks over so that they don’t think something suspicious is happening. The last thing I need is for someone to think that I’m scoring undercover.
I park the car under a streetlight and check behind me before I get out, locking the car and clutching the keys in my hand as I walk the block over to Wayward.
I wrap my arms around my stomach, my head swiveling back and forth as I get closer, making sure no-one is watching me.
I jog up the stairs and knock on Joel’s door, gasping when Jonny answers. “Jonny?”
“What are you doing?” he grits out. “You can’t be here.” He grabs my arm and moves me backward, pushing me around the corner and up against the wall.
“I need… I need.”
“What?” he spits, his mouth in a grim line and his eyes narrowed at me in mirth.
“I need pills.”
He takes a step back, assessing me. “You’re not getting them tonight, I have other business. You need to go.”
He turns and I lunge forward, grabbing his arm. “Please, Jonny. You don’t understand, I need them. I have none left!”