I hum along to some unknown song as it plays on the small radio I found in one of the cupboards. I’ve scrubbed this place within an inch of its life over the last two days, and with each room I felt lighter. A weight having been lifted off my shoulders. There’s probably some kind of quote or something for what it feels like, but all I know is I haven’t been this happy since… well, since my mom died.
Knowing now what she had to go through every day with my dad—the pain, the control taken away from her own body—has me understanding why she did what she did.
The last words she ever said to me reverberate over and over again in my head.
“I love you more than anything in this world, baby.” She runs her hand over my hair and down my face. “Never forget that, okay?” I nod, my eyes starting to close as sleep takes me away. “No matter what happens, I’m with you, Lily. Always.”
My eyes close and my hand wanders to my cheek, sure I can feel her palm on my skin even now, but I can’t because she left us—me.
I wonder how different my life would have been had she not taken her own life. Would he have destroyed her completely? Made her even more of a shell than she had already become?
When I think back to how things were as a child, I no longer see it through innocent eyes. It’s all clear now, and I can’t help wonder if she ever tried telling anyone what was going on—the abuse she suffered.
I shake my head. Of course she did and I can guarantee no one believed her—either that or they chose to ignore it. After all, the preacher couldn’t possibly have a bad bone in his body.
It’s all a mirage. One he’s perfected over countless years.
My cell pings on the kitchen counter and when I look over I see Luke’s name flash on the screen with a message. Washing the last plate before drying my hands, I then reach for it with a smile on my face.
It’s been over a week since I saw his face, and thinking back to the last night he was here has butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I didn’t ask him what he meant when he said he shouldn’t feel this way, but I wish I would have had the courage to. Was he trying to tell me something?
I trail my finger over my bottom lip as I think about him and me in the field. Was that really a month ago? How can so many things change in such a small amount of time?
Luke: Stuck at work again but wish I was there with you.
I love how he’s straight to the point. No frills and meaning in his words other than what he’s saying.
Lily: I wish you were here too.
I click send before looking up and staring out the window at the darkening sky. There’s something peaceful about being in the middle of nowhere on your own with only the stars and wildlife to keep you company.
Grabbing the trash bag after locking the cell and placing it on the counter, I continue to hum along to the tune as I start to walk outside.
I halt when the instrumental section starts and close my eyes. The notes flow through me as goose bumps rise on my skin. There’s nothing more emotive than a piece of music calling to your heart, and that’s exactly what this does.
I don’t move when the song has finished, instead I take everything in, thankful for how different my life is now. I never thought I’d be where I am, and although it wasn’t the plan I had set out, I’m grateful to be out of that house.
Taking a deep breath, I open my eyes and step outside, keeping my gaze connected to the stars as I walk around to the side of the house and place the trash bag in the bin.
The cool night air whips around me and I relish in the feel of it. However much I wish Luke had been here this last week with me, there’s no doubt in my mind that I needed the space. Not only from him, but from everything.
My mind was a mess of thoughts. All scrambled around with no order to them. This time has given me the chance to sort through them all. And even though I know I have a long way to go before I’ll be okay, I know I’m on that path now.
Taking a deep breath, I let the fresh air invade my body before turning around to head back inside. And that’s when it hits me. The gu
t feeling.
Luke’s words bat around in my head, “Always be aware of your surroundings and listen to your instincts.” That’s exactly what I’m doing right now, and I berate myself for not doing it sooner.
My breaths start to come faster as my fingertips tingle, and before I know it, my feet work on automatic running toward the hatch door. I feel for the key Luke told me to keep in my pocket at all times, and when I get to the door, I try to pull it out.
I fumble for several seconds. My fingers shake and no matter how many times I chant in my head over and over to go faster, nothing works.
The metal key makes contact with the keyhole, and for a millisecond I think I may be safe. But I’m wrong. So so wrong.
The air changes around me. Frigid. Cold. Threatening.
“Thought you could get away from me, huh?”