Whiskey and Country

* * *

In the front row, sitting next to Derek’s mom, holding her hand in mine, I listened to the pastor talking, not registering a word he said. Only the sound of Murielle’s sobs made their way to my conscious mind.

Someone tapped my shoulder from behind.

I cocked my head and gave Tucker a deer-in-the-headlight kind of stare.

“Man, it’s your turn.”

I watched him, blinking.

“Speech, Nick. Can you do this?”

I nodded in a daze, no words coming out.

“You sure? You don’t look so fine.”

I swallowed as I tried to reboot my frozen brain. My gaze drifted to Murielle, looking at me with expectant eyes.

“I am,” I said, moving to my feet, using the back of the chair to keep my balance, my limbs heavy.

In the front of the small room, I glanced around, taking in each face who came here today to say goodbye to my young friend, whom I already missed so damn much.

With my eyes closed, I cleared my throat while my fingers fastened around the folded sheet of paper in my jacket pocket.

You can do this, man,I repeated to myself. Over and over. Until I started believing it.

“Thank you all for joining us today.” I sighed, putting to rest the frayed nerves bouncing around in my chest cavity. “Derek was more than just my friend. He was a brother to me. Or my best friend, as he used to say. From the moment we met, we shared a special bond. He had a way to brighten everyone’s days, always smiling and full of optimism as if nothing could go wrong. And God only knows his life wasn’t just rainbows and unicorns. I would like to think those qualities have rubbed on me, and somehow, he has made me a better person. Just by being himself till the end.”

I dried my moist hands on my trousers and sucked in a cleansing breath.

“It’s not every day you have to face courage. But he did. And I’ll forever be grateful for everything he taught me in his short life. He was always the smartest guy in the room. It’s ironic when you think about it. His brain had so much potential, and it was the same organ that failed him and cost him his life. I’ll never understand why he needed to leave this one so fast. Life is tricky and unfair. The only thing that keeps me going is the thought he is now finally free to be a child. To laugh. And play. And run around. And eat candies. And ride a bike. And hopefully, lead Heaven’s Little League to the championship he’d dreamed about years ago when he had to retire from the game.”

I pushed a hand through my hair while my eyes drifted to Murielle. She smiled and bowed her head, encouraging me to continue.

“Derek, you will forever be missed. I’m sorry we didn’t get more time with each other. That will be one of my biggest heartaches. But I’ll always be thankful for the time we spent together. You’ll be with me every day for the rest of my life, and I’ll never forget you. Thank you for being you, bro. Hope they have root beer up there. With no ice.”

Tucker gave me a thumbs-up, and I nodded. He fumbled on his phone and through the small portable speaker he brought, one of Derek’s favorite country songs about monkeys from Carter Hills Band filled the room.

How many times did Derek play this when we hung out together? So much I knew each line by heart. It always brought a smile to his young face. And just for that, it became one of my favorite songs too. Because it reminded me of him.

Tears flew down my face, and I did nothing to stop them or to wipe them off as the silent room listened to the funny lyrics and catchy melody.

As much as I craved air to survive, I needed those tears to purge my pain. To free my heart from all the aches filling it.

Those tears reminded me I was alive.

That I had no choice but to keep going.

For Derek.

And for myself.