Then respect that I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to use it at all. Even if it means that Tristan never understands his own potential. If I’m going to live in this world, I have to do it as a normal person.
Rowan nodded, but frowned deeply. He was troubled in a way that only perplexed Lily more with every exchange they had in mindspeak.
Rowan, please tell me why you’re so upset. You never answered when I asked the first time. You just answered my question with another question.
“I get why you don’t want to tell Tristan. I just hope you reconsider. That’s all. Are you hungry?” he asked, pointedly changing the subject.
Lily’s stomach growled. “Apparently,” she replied laconically. “But since you’re my mechanic I’m guessing you knew that before I did, didn’t you?”
Rowan smiled, his eyes glinting as he turned and disappeared into the kitchen. It was an elfin look—totally adorable, but evasive. It felt like the deeper she burrowed into him, the farther Rowan’s true self retreated from her. He was so solid in his choices but so slippery down inside. Lily wondered if that’s what real love was—understanding someone so deeply you were able to feel their own confusion about who they were and what they really wanted.
“It’ll be okay,
” Samantha said dreamily. “I’ve never seen a world where he doesn’t love you, you know.”
“I don’t think love is our problem right now, Ma. But thanks for telling me that. It’s pretty incredible.”
“It is. Please don’t forget it,” Samantha stressed. Lily raised her head and studied her mother’s serious face, wondering what she meant by that, but the moment of lucidity passed. Samantha’s nervous hands fluttered up to her frizzy hair and her eyes unfocused. “Did I put the cat out?”
“We don’t have a cat,” Lily replied, her face falling. “We’ve never had a cat.”
“Oh good! That would have been terrible.” Samantha turned and left Lily to wonder if what her mother had said had any meaning, or if it was all intended for another Lily in a different world.
* * *
Lily! You must come back!
Go away, Lillian.
My world needs you. Please. I don’t want to use violence, but I will if I have to.
Enough! I’m not coming back, Lillian, so whatever circumstances made you what you are have nothing to do with me anymore. I’m done listening to you. Accept it.
Lily pushed Lillian out of her thoughts and sat up in bed. Lillian was good at creeping into her mind when she was asleep or emotional. All Lily’s ward did was alert her to Lillian’s presence, but Lily still had to shut her out—which was getting harder. Lily knew that Rowan would probably have a solution to the problem, but telling him about it would be impossible without revealing that she and Lillian had been in touch since her first day back in this world. He’d feel so betrayed.
“What a mess,” she whispered to herself. She wondered if she should take Lillian’s warning about using force seriously. Lillian was a dangerous woman, there was no doubt about that, but how big of a threat could she be if she was in another universe?
Lily looked at the clock. It was four in the morning—too early to get up, but too late to try to go back to sleep. She rubbed her face and swung her legs out of bed, figuring sleep was going to be impossible now. And anyway, she had to be up for her first day back at school, which was enough to make anyone jittery. She yawned and reached out for Rowan, in case he happened to be awake.
What is it, Lily? You feel anxious.
Are you sleeping?
Half asleep. Come down to me. I want to wake up with you.
Lily went downstairs and saw Rowan buried in blankets on the couch, still breathing the deep, slow breaths of sleep. She climbed in with him and felt his stomach flutter as he woke.
“Wassamatter?” he murmured, pulling her against his chest.
“It’s weird to go back to school,” Lily said, giving Rowan half the truth.
“It’s just for a few more months,” he grumbled, and fell back to sleep.
He was right, of course. All she needed to do was graduate, and then she and Rowan could move out of town, maybe get a place of their own. Or they could go to college together. With the help of a little magic, Lily had no doubt they could forge a past for Rowan, complete with a social security number and school records. They could be anything they wanted in this world—all Lily had to do was survive high school.
They lay together as the sun came up. Rowan’s dreams were scattered images. When Lily pieced them together she realized he was dreaming about his own schooling. Tristan was there, and Gideon. There was a lot of fire, smoke, salt, and silver. Cauldrons bubbled and strange dragon-like creatures flew down torch-lit passageways. They weren’t happy dreams, nor were they nightmares. It was as if Rowan were picking up on Lily’s anxiety and dreaming it out for her. Lily laughed silently to herself. He was even dreaming for her now. Lily didn’t wake Rowan until she heard her mother stirring. A quick kiss, and Lily stole back upstairs to get ready for school.
Juliet dropped Lily off before heading into Boston and her college classes. Lily was halfway across the parking lot, trudging past piles of old half-melted snow that looked like Styrofoam, when she saw Tristan sitting in his car. A huge smile spread across her face. She hadn’t realized how much she’d missed him until she saw him. The smile stayed plastered on her face as she hurried to him. He didn’t smile back.