Firewalker (Worldwalker 2)

Lily pulled on Rowan’s arms. “Lie down with me.”

A pained look crossed his face. “You should sleep.”

“Can’t. I’m wide awake,” she whispered, easing Rowan down on top of her.

He gave in with a lost expression, allowing himself to be pulled under the covers. The silence in the room filled up with the tense sound of their half-held breaths and the low, almost imperceptible hum of their shaking. Rowan pushed her nightshirt up over her head and laid his cool chest on her warm one. He slid a knee between her thighs, rocking his hips against her as he kissed her. Lily opened herself up and let Rowan feel what she felt.

“Wait, wait, wait,” he whispered, suddenly turning his head aside, his eyes squeezed shut.

“Why?” Lily asked, smiling patiently up at him. “And this time, tell me the real reason.”

He looked young and scared. Lily felt that huge gray emotion sweep through him again. “Because I can’t stay in this world,” he answered. “And I don’t think I’d be strong enough to ever leave if I make love to you.”

Lily shook her head, his words not sinking in. She sat up and fixed her nightshirt, pushing him back so she could see him clearly. “What are you talking about?”

“We left at the start of a war,” he said, his voice wavering. “My friends, my people—they’re fighting and dying. No matter how much I love you right now I know that if I stay here for you, I’ll start to hate you. I’ll hate you because I’ll hate myself for not going back.”

Lily stared at him, dumbfounded. “But—I can’t go back there,” she said.

“No. Not you. It’s too dangerous there for you,” Rowan said in a low voice. “Just me.”

“I almost died the last time I went to the pyre,” Lily said, unable to believe that he was asking her to risk her life for this.

Rowan rubbed his face. “Because you’d fought an entire battle before trying to worldjump. This time, you’d just be sending me. I know you can handle that. And if you do get burned, Tristan will be here to heal you. I’ll teach him how.”

Lily finally understood. She winced at the slippery, nauseous feeling in her stomach. It was as if she’d jumped a little too high and it was only now, at the top of the arc, that she realized how terribly hurt she was going to be when she crashed back down.

“That’s why you wanted me to claim them so badly. And why you didn’t want me to push Tristan away,” Lily said. “You’ve known from the start you wanted to leave me.”

His dark eyes narrowed in anger. “This has nothing to do with what I want.”

Lily thought of catching Tristan in the bathroom with Miranda. How stupid she’d felt for not knowing, and how small that hurt was compared with this.

“I thought there was no way I could know anyone better than I know you. I can read your mind, and I still had no idea,” Lily said, amazed. “It’s impressive, actually. While I was planning our future you were planning how to get away from me.”

“Lily,” he said pleadingly. “Who would I be if I walked away from everything I’ve ever believed in and lived only for you? Would I be someone worth loving?”

Lily leaned back. “You see, that’s the thing, Rowan. Whether you stay here or go back, it won’t change me. I’ll always love you.”

“Then let me go,” he whispered. “Because I can’t love myself if I stay.”

Lily knew if she refused he’d have no recourse. She could keep him chained to her for the rest of his life, but even the thought was ridiculous. Rowan wasn’t anyone’s to keep. She remembered him telling Nina at the nightclub that he belonged to himself. She should have listened to him then.

“Okay,” she said numbly. She knew she’d already lost him, anyway. “I’ll send you back.”

“I won’t go until I’ve dealt with Carrick—or not until Tristan, Breakfast, and Una are trained,” he assured her. He could feel Lily detaching and pulling away, and it worried him. “You know I’d never leave you defenseless, right?”

Lily breathed a sad laugh and got out of bed. She felt heavy and slow and too empty to cry. “Sure, Rowan,” she said.

She left him sitting in her room, staring at the messy sheets. It was hours before dawn, but she knew there’d be no point in trying to sleep. More images of suffering swept through her mind. Pain. Begging. Blood. Carrick’s face loomed over hers. Lily banished it all from her mind, unable to process anything else that morning. With an aching head and a blank heart she stepped into the shower to start her day.

* * *

“You were up early,” Juliet said right before Lily stepped out the door to go to school.

“Sorry if I woke you,” Lily replied, distracted. She waved at Tristan, trying to signal

that he didn’t need to get out of the car and walk her the twenty steps from the house. He was taking Rowan’s admonishment to never leave her alone literally, and Lily wondered just how annoyed she was going to get with the constant supervision over the course of the day.