What She Found in the Woods

‘Of course,’ I reply, facing him, grabbing both his hands, and leaning towards him. I need to fill up on him. ‘Your mom is amazing.’ His face breaks into a huge grin.

‘What did you talk about?’

‘Later,’ I say. And I will tell him everything I told his mother, and then some. Just not right now. ‘Are you OK?’

He nods, but his eyes shoot over to his father and Raven, who are both watching us with narrowed eyes.

Maeve saves us all from another long, awkward silence by doling out more chores for everyone, and in moments the freshly stir-fried veggies are divvied up into little wooden bowls with rice and some kind of spicy sauce that is just divine. We all take mismatched chopsticks and sit cross-legged on the ground together. Maeve starts asking her children questions about their day and lets me sink a bit into the background. I stay close to Bo’s big body, sharing his silhouette.

The younger kids get swept up in their own stories and forget I’m there, tucked into Bo’s shadow. Soon I’m listening to an exciting recounting of Karl and Aspen’s hunt at dawn this morning, and how they came across a puma that was tracking the same herd of deer as them. They’re good storytellers, and the rest of the family listens completely. No one is waiting for a text message or thinking about something that might be more interesting than this. They’re just listening.

A part of me is aware of the danger that Karl and Aspen were in this morning, but since no one else reacts with alarm, I don’t say anything. What do I know about pumas? I don’t even know if they’re the same thing as cougars or mountain lions or if all three of them are different kinds of cats. I think pumas are the all-black ones, but seriously – what the hell do I know?

As Sol takes over recounting her day, Moth makes her way over to Bo and scoots herself into his lap. He makes room for her, holding her absently against him, like his lap is her personal story nook.

Dinner flies by, and before I know it I’m standing over a tin washbasin doing the dishes. I choose to wash, and Bo dries. Flush with calories, Sol and Aspen are running around, tickling Moth and howling like wild animals. Under cover of the din, Bo and I stand as close to each other as we can, our arms touching. His lips are set in a small smile, and his eyes are soft. It’s gorgeous torture, just standing here.

When we’re done, Maeve asks Bo to get more firewood from the pile before he walks me home. As soon as Bo is gone, Ray approaches me, and I realize Bo and I have been strategically split up for something. Maeve is good.

‘Do you have any food allergies? Eggs, nuts, milk, shellfish?’ Ray asks.

‘N-no,’ I stammer.

‘This will help with the withdrawals,’ he says gruffly. He places something in my hand. I look down and see it’s a small leather pouch. ‘Take one in the morning instead of that poison they’re forcing on you. Let it dissolve under your tongue,’ he tells me. His stony expression gives way to caring for a brief moment. I see Bo written all over him. ‘Ativan is highly addictive. Quitting won’t be easy.’

I open the pouch and see a pile of tiny white pills that look like beads. ‘Thank you,’ I say, still not sure if I’m going to use them or not.

A part of me wants to know what it would be like to feel again. Another, louder part of me is screaming that going off my meds without a doctor’s supervision is about the stupidest thing anyone can do. People can die doing that.

But Bo’s father is a doctor. While I don’t think he’d advise me to do something that could kill me, he and his family do have outlier views on Western medicine that I don’t agree with completely. I respect his and Maeve’s holistic approach, but I’ve got problems that can’t be fixed with some essential oil and a better diet.

Bo joins us cautiously. Ray turns to him and says, ‘You should be getting her back now,’ and he walks away.

Bo takes my hand and starts to lead me away. I stop him for a moment so I can say goodbye to Maeve. She gives me a hug.

‘We’ll be seeing you soon,’ she says with a knowing smile.

‘Definitely,’ I reply, although she seems to be the only one inviting me back. My eyes flick over to Ray and Raven, just to make sure they are as disappointed by Maeve’s invitation as I think they’ll be. Disappointment doesn’t cover it, though. They look downright dismayed. If I weren’t on so many drugs, it would hurt.

Everyone pauses to watch Bo and me go, and then, after we’ve crested the rise that obscures Bo’s camp from any approaching view, piping voices rise up in question and are hushed before I can understand what’s being asked.

‘Was that OK?’ Bo asks me after a while of walking in silence.

‘Yeah, except for one thing.’ I wait for him to turn towards me anxiously as we walk to say, ‘You never told me your full name was Rainbow.’

I’m about to tell him my full name, but his face darkens.

‘Someone told me once it was a girl’s name. A stupid girl’s name was what he said, actually.’

‘Who told you that?’ I ask, but Bo shakes his head.

‘I had a friend from town once,’ he says quietly. ‘I thought he was a friend, but I guess I wasn’t cool enough for him.’

‘What happened?’ I ask.

‘We always did everything together. Fishing, tracking, hunting,’ Bo says. ‘Then when we were thirteen, it changed. He didn’t want to be friends any more.’

I see Bo’s face flush red with humiliation. He’s so easy to read. It’s like his face is a beach, and everything swirling around in that ocean inside of him washes up there eventually. So, this is why he thinks I’ll find out he’s strange and cut him off.