No one went to Rachel’s bat mitzvah.
Rachel literally had no friends.
She filmed the nearly empty hall. She filmed all four members of her small family sitting at one table, and then table after table of empty seats. She filmed the hollow dance floor.
Then Rachel went into the bathroom and filmed herself slashing her wrists. She filmed herself bleeding out. With her dying breath, she posted it on my website – the website for the Cultural Outreach Club. Right under my comment that said, simply,
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‘Go ahead.’
Because I couldn’t be bothered to click on three little dots.
When I realized what I had done, inadvertently or not, the invisible hands wrapped around my body and closed me off. Nothing could come in or go out.
I stayed in that cocoon for months.
When I told Maeve, I wasn’t really feeling it. I was just reporting it to her, like it happened to someone else. But now, telling Bo, I feel it for the first time, and it hurts. And I’m crying. But, finally, I feel clean again. I pull my sandals back on and stand up.
‘So, that’s it,’ I say.
Bo stares up at me with an empty look that I could never have imagined on his face without seeing it first. And I realize, that’s it. He and I are over.
‘Thank you for listening. I’m sorry,’ I say.
I pick up my backpack and stoop to gather the blanket, but Bo hasn’t moved.
‘Where do you think you’re going?’ he asks.
‘Uh. Home?’ I hazard.
‘I don’t get to ask any questions? I don’t get a say?’ he asks. The sharp ridges of his cheekbones flush red with anger.
I sit back down on the edge of the blanket, giving him all the space I can. ‘Sure,’ I say, nodding. ‘Ask me anything.’
‘Are you OK?’
‘Not really,’ I admit. Then I take a deep breath and sigh. ‘But I feel like something is thawing inside me, and maybe that’s a start.’
His jaw clenches. ‘Are you still in touch with her?’
‘Jinka?’ I ask. When he nods, I say, ‘No.’
‘Good. She manipulated you, and then betrayed you,’ he says angrily. ‘Are you still in love with her?’ he asks. It comes out strangled and concerned, but not for himself.
How did he see that when no one else did? I’ve had my head shrunk by the best of them, but they all missed that. I missed that. Jinka was the reason I did it, and I did it to impress her. To win her. In a twisted way, I guess I was in love with her.
I stare at him. Smart. Sensitive. But most of all, he listens. It’s amazing what you can pick up on when you really listen. I couldn’t be more in awe of him, and I’ve just lost him. I threw him away so I could tell the truth.
‘No,’ I whisper. ‘I’m not in love in with her any more.’ I think it through carefully before I continue speaking. ‘I don’t hate her. I don’t love her. I don’t miss her. But I’m still trying to find who I am without her.’
I jump – literally gain air between my butt and the blanket – when he puts his arms around me.
‘You’re Lena,’ he whispers in my ear. ‘You don’t need anyone to tell you who you are.’ I feel his laugh breathe across my neck. ‘Not even me.’
The irony of this is so staggering, I don’t know where to start. But then, I don’t have to. Because he kisses me, and everything goes out the window.
I have to stop him. To warn him. ‘Bo,’ I say, thinking about the hospital and what I did there. ‘I’m not well.’