Right Number, Wrong Girl

He sighed. “Grandma. Aren’t you supposed to be watching your blood sugars?”

“I am watching them, Hugo.” She picked up her tea. “Watching them rise.”

He closed his eyes and exhaled slowly. “I don’t know what to do with you.”

“Help me convince Camilla here to let me have the shiny decorations.”

“Help me.” I mouthed.

He knew full well I could not buy those decorations. Heck, I didn’t even want to open the laptop around Evelyn because I knew she would do this. I wasn’t even sure if she wanted the decorations because she actually liked them or because she knew they were the most likely to piss off her daughter-in-law.

Based on their relationship, it was the latter.

She seemed to get complete joy out of pissing her off.

Then again, that seemed to be a mutual thing.

“Grandma, can we be reasonable here for a second?” Hugo asked, leaning forwards. “You know you’re only doing this to piss off Mum. It’s the same reason you fucked with the menu, and it’s just going to make this all harder for everyone else. Especially Camilla.”

I was impressed he didn’t falter whenever he used the wrong name for me.

Evelyn had the good graces to look chastised. “I suppose there’s some truth to what you’re saying,” she said slowly. “And I do not want to make it terribly difficult for Camilla. She’s the only person who knows how to make tea correctly.”

It’s true.

I was.

I was just saying.

“Exactly,” Hugo continued. “So do you think you might take a moment to engage your brain and be helpful? For Camilla’s sake?”

Evelyn scratched the side of her nose and shrugged a shoulder. “I suppose I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

“Why do you care so much?” She narrowed her eyes. “You’re awfully worried about Camilla.”

“Because it’s draining for me to listen to you and Mum’s bullshit, so God knows how she feels,” he drawled. “Can you please now select some decorations that are in Mum’s chosen colour scheme?”

“All right.” Evelyn sniffed. “But I am going to take a Sharpie to one of those balloons and draw a very, very tiny penis, then watch your mother lose her mind in her attempt to find it.”

I choked on my water and slammed my fist against my chest to clear the little bit in my throat that caught. “That seems like a reasonable compromise.”

Hugo’s lips tugged to one side. “Better than nothing, I suppose.”

“Right. Show me these bloody decorations. Hugo, I want another slice of cake.”

“Absolutely not.”

“I am your elder and you will respect me and do as you are told.”

“You’re also my grandmother who is borderline diabetic, and I will not be responsible for making you cross that line. I do quite like you being around, believe it or not.”

Evelyn sighed theatrically. “It’s a terribly hard life to be loved so much.”

“Yes. You are really suffering,” Hugo replied, flashing me a look of amusement. “Might we get this over and done with so I can take you home? I’m sure Camilla has a lot to do today and would like to get on with it.”

I grimaced.