That was the only way I could describe how I felt, but I wasn’t sure I’d get used to it. It was such a heavy, dull ache that was always there, and every time I closed my eyes, I was reminded of the moments where I didn’t feel that.
Because Hugo was there.
“I’m not sure you’ve ever felt that way. You just told yourself you did because it was easier for you.”
I peered up at my best friend.
“You’re in love with him, Sophie. Look at you. You’re running away from something you can’t escape. You can’t just put your feelings in a box and go somewhere else until they disappear.” Her lips curled up. “Go and see him. Now that you have all the information and you know Anna isn’t an obstacle, you’ve really run out of excuses.”
“But what if I do and we try and she—”
“You don’t know unless you try,” she said calmly. “What have you got to lose? You’re already heartbroken. You have no job tying you to London. You are quite literally at rock bottom.”
I grimaced. “Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.”
“What about you? If I go and do something insane like move to Devon, what about you?”
“Well, for a start, Anna mentioned about hiring me for her wedding anniversary next year and is apparently going to pass my business card to everyone she knows, so I’m pretty sure that would have us move in the same circles.” Her lips twitched. “Secondly, I’ll move in with Ollie. His place is way bigger than this.”
“He also has a back garden because he’s richy-rich-rich.”
“Not Hugo rich.”
“I think only the Queen is richer than the Devons.”
She dropped her head and laughed. “Don’t you worry about me. I will be absolutely fine. You’re my best friend and I just want you to be happy.”
“I know. I’m just… making excuses, I guess.”
“I know.” She bit her lower lip. “If he makes you happy, then I think you should go for it. I don’t want you to spend forever regretting not trying.”
Mum called my name from downstairs.
“I have to go. Mum’s made dinner.” I reached forwards. “Thanks, Cam.”
“Let me know what you decide to do.”
“I will. Bye.” I hung up to a close-up picture of her waving and smiling like a loon, then closed down the laptop.
That key was burning a hole through my palm.
I reached for my phone. I unlocked it and left my thumb there, hovering, like I couldn’t decide what to do.
Did I call him?
Text him?
Lock it and put it down and die a little more inside?
No.
My thumb swept the menu up and tapped the gallery, and I scrolled down and search for the only photo I had of us. We’d taken it the day before I’d left. Our cheeks were pressed right against each other, and although I was looking at the camera and smiling properly, Hugo wore the biggest, cheesiest grin and was looking anywhere but.
I looked down at the key.
It was funny.