I cleared my throat. “Do you know where he is?”
“I swear, if y’all don’t get back together soon, I will jump off a cliff,” Gretchen lamented. “You’re both so sad that I’m binge-eating ice cream at night.”
“Your ice cream intake is on you, drama queen,” I drawled.
Shay chuckled. “He’ll be right out. Ivy asked him to get something from the attic.”
Oh.
Yeah, it was going to be a long evening.
Fuck.
By the time pizza got here, I was painfully aware of Lee’s presence. I’d heard his low chuckle a couple times from where he sat on Lucian and KC’s porch. The cabins were maybe twenty or thirty feet away from the edge of the patio, yet it felt like Lee was standing right behind me.
It was a good thing I had my back to them. Otherwise, I would’ve glued my stare to him.
The one glimpse I’d gotten wasn’t nearly enough. Shay had been right. Lee did look as bad as me, which gave me conflicting emotions. It hurt me to see him hurt, at the same time as I found comfort in that he was struggling too. Did that make me a bad person?
I wanted to see him again. Unlike me, he’d never given much thought to what he wore; he was a jeans and T-shirt guy. Or a hoodie now that the weather was turning for the colder. And I kinda loved that about him. His style, or lack of it, represented comfort and familiarity to me. I didn’t know how many times I’d put on one of his hoodies when I’d had to spend an evening without him, if he was on call or something. He was wearing one of his old Navy hoodies right now, one of my favorites.
I could just picture him sitting over there, casually, one foot resting on his knee, the foot always bouncing a little, probably a smoke between his fingers… And he often ran a hand through his hair. Hair that tended to fall into his eyes. Hair that I’d always liked to tuck behind his ear. Which sometimes annoyed him in a cute way. Like, “Get your paws outta my face, pet.” And he’d narrow his eyes at me before he nipped at my cheek and—
Oh my God. I couldn’t go on like this. I couldn’t keep playing these scenarios in my head; I got so swept away by them, to the point where I could almost smell his hoodie, feel his lips on my neck, hear his warm voice…
A rushing sound invaded my ears. My heart started pounding, and my vision blurred and became unfocused. The grief gripped me so tightly that I didn’t know what to do with myself, but a second later, my flight instincts kicked in. I shot up from my seat and sent the chair flying backward, and then I was running inside. Jesus fuck, my chest hurt. It felt like it was about to cave in.
I heard both Ivy and Shay call my name, but I kept running. Through the club area, out into the lobby, where I took the stairs. I was just fucking done. Done with the depression, done with the pain, done with feeling like my future had just been stolen from me.
I made it to the third floor, and I was a goddamn mess. Fingers trembling, breathing erratic, I unlocked the door to my guest room and all but stumbled inside. A beat later, panic swallowed me whole.
Shit. I couldn’t breathe. I bent over and planted my hands on my knees, and I choked for air. My skin prickled and went numb in waves, my heart wouldn’t stop slamming against my ribcage, and then dizziness washed over me.
I can’t deal anymore. I give up. Send me to the fucking psych ward.
I heard a strangled groan, or maybe a gasp, and knew it came from within. Black spots filled my vision.
“Tate.”
My brain screamed yes and no and flew in two different directions. It was him, he was here, I needed him, he had to get the hell away from me, this was all his fault, I’d wrecked us, I was so fucking sorry, I hated him, and I loved him more than life itself. I’d lost the last shred of my sanity. There was nothing left to do but fall apart.
Before I could force another ounce of air into my lungs, Lee hauled me up and almost crashed me to him, and it broke the levees. As soon as his arms went around my shoulders, I was bawling.
I couldn’t describe the sheer relief that warred against the heartbreak.
“It hurts too much,” I sobbed. “I can’t function without you, Lee. I’ve tried—I’ve fucking tried. I can’t.”
He hugged me even tighter and pressed his lips to the side of my head.
I kept crying, kept shattering, and I clung to him. I clung to him for all I was worth, locking my arms around his middle, ready to climb him if I had to. “I swear I haven’t cheated on you. You have to believe—”