I back her into a corner and slam a hand against the wall. She jumps.
“I forbid you to seek out my brother.”
“You forbid me?”
“I forbid you. Am I clear?”
“I haven’t been forbidden to do something since my father passed away. I won’t be forbidden by you.”
“He’s dangerous, Mercedes. Stay away from him.”
“The only danger is you, Judge.”
I blink, draw in too thin air. When Mercedes and I come together, it’s like fire and ice. A battle of wills. Two beasts with our jaws on each other’s jugulars. For one to win, the other must lose, but what will the cost be?
“You don’t want me. Why do you care if I see him or not?”
“It’s not that I don’t want you. I can’t have you, Mercedes.”
“Because you don’t allow yourself.”
I sigh. She won’t understand. She can’t. “I don’t want to see you hurt, and he will hurt you.”
“You’re impossible. Your demands are impossible!”
“Enough!” She winces as if physically struck. “You’ll do as I say, or you’ll face the consequences. Am I clear?”
“Yeah, you’re fucking clear as mud.”
I open my mouth but close it again and walk out the door, leaving her staring after me. Being exactly the jerk she accused me of being.
29
Mercedes
Even though I’m not hungry, I eat a quick breakfast with Lois and trudge back to my room. A part of me wants to disobey Judge just to spite him, but the other part of me is too exhausted to put up a fight right now. I didn’t sleep at all last night, and after everything that happened this morning, I can barely keep my eyes open.
Everything hurts, and my throat is so scratchy I don’t want to talk to anyone. I need to rest. And then I need to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.
I always do this. I always swear I’m not going to forgive the people who hurt me. I’m not going to give them the opportunity to keep hurting me. But that’s all I know, isn’t it? Chaos and pain are the closest thing to love I’ve ever felt. It’s what my father taught me. It’s what my brothers taught me. And now, here I am, hating myself for letting Judge do the same to me.
I shouldn’t have wanted him to touch me this morning. I should have held on to my anger. But the second he showed even a sliver of regret, a will to comfort me for even a moment, I clung to it like the life raft I so desperately needed.
I’m lonely. So fucking lonely. My heart is fragile, and it pains me to admit I need those glimpses of comfort from him, however fleeting they may be. Because for all his showmanship, his insistence that this fire between us can’t be stoked, he can’t hide the truth in his eyes. He doesn’t just want this. He needs it as much as I do.
But it doesn’t change anything. The lines have been drawn. I’ve humiliated myself trying to get his attention. I’ve offered my body to him on a silver platter, and I’ve done everything short of begging. Enough is enough. After this morning, there can be no question in my mind about where he stands.
He will use me, and then he will leave me cold. I need to have more respect for myself than that. I’ll show him I’m worth more than that, whether he believes it or not.
Those are the thoughts waging war in my mind as I fall into a fitful sleep. When I wake again, it’s far too soon, but the sight of Miriam lurking at the end of my bed drags me back to an abrupt consciousness as any dark cloud would.
“What are you doing in here?” I glare at her.
“Just bringing your riding gear.” She smiles far too sweetly as she sets the laundry on the tufted bench.
“Why?” I study her skeptically.
She shrugs. “Judge said you might want to get some fresh air this afternoon.”