“No.” The word escaped on a breath, the truth too big to hold back.
“So, what are you going to do about it?”
What am I going to do about it?
The question cambered around my brain, struggling to find purchase, struggling to find an answer. Before I could dwell on it, the door flung open.
Almost jumping out of my skin at the intrusion, I slapped a hand to my chest and looked over to find my two best friends standing at the foot of the bed. Both women stared down at us, clutching our half-full glasses of vodka. They couldn’t have looked more different, yet somehow, we all found each other and fell in love so fiercely that they managed to make it here without me even having to call.
“I can’t believe you guys are here,” I said, tearing up again.
“And miss returning the favor of supporting you through your first heartbreak?” Vera asked.
“You mean, judging her through her heartbreak like she did ours?” Nova joked.
“That too. You do owe us this.”
I let out a watery laugh.
“I messaged your dad while we walked up here to call them,” Mom explained before holding up her glass. “Vodka?”
Nova’s brows rose to her hairline. “Well, at least we know where she gets her love of vodka from.”
“She does get it honest.” My mom batted her lashes as we sat upright to make room on the bed for the girls. “So, would you like one?”
“How bad is it?” Vera asked.
My mom hissed a breath in through her teeth and winced. “It’s been a rough morning.”
“Might as well,” Nova answered first with a shrug.
Both Vera and I looked over with wide eyes. “Wow, Parker is having a bad influence on you. You used to hesitate at least a second before accepting a drink at any time of day. Let alone one before noon.”
“Meh, it’s more like the whole band is having a bad influence on me,” she explained, accepting her drink.
“Oh, I bet.” I waited until she started to take a sip before asking, “Any five-ways lately.”
As expected, she choked on her sip. Vera and I broke down laughing. “That’s gross,” Nova grumbled.
“C’mon, Naughty Nova. Spill all the deets,” I cajoled. She gave an unamused stare that only made me smile harder. “Still my sweet Nova.”
“All right,” Vera cut in. “Don’t try to focus on us. Spill.”
I looked from one person to the next for an out. When I didn’t find one, I released a heavy sigh and gave in, going over it all. I opted to leave Bodie out of the equation because we had enough to focus on.
And I wasn’t ready to admit what had happened to anyone. Least of all, my mom. I just…couldn’t.
By the time I reached the end, three pairs of unblinking eyes watched my every reaction.
“Well…” Vera asked.
“She was about to tell me what she was going to do about it before you got here,” my mom explained.
“And?” Nova asked.
“I don’t know.”
“Yes, you do,” my mom assured. “You’re a smart woman. Now, close your eyes and trust your gut. Not your mind, but your gut.”
As uncomfortable as it seemed to close my eyes while three people watched, I did as she said. I thought about all the things I didn’t want to live without. My friendship with Austin flashed behind my closed lids like a highlight reel. I remembered every time he was there for me. I remembered all the times he stood up for me. I remembered all the times we laughed. I remembered every time he’d be the one to go with me on any adventure I wanted.
I remembered the way he kissed me, the way he held my hand. I remembered the way he looked at me like nothing else existed. I remembered the way he made love to me.
“I want him,” I admitted, opening my eyes. I hadn’t meant to say it out loud, but there was no way to keep it in. “I want him so much it hurts. And I can’t not have all those things.”
“Then you know your answer, and you can call being married to him whatever you like. You could be his missus, his woman, or even his consort.”
“Mom,” I laughed.
“His partner,” Vera chimed in.
“His uxor,” Nova added.
“What the fuck is uxor?” I asked, thoroughly confused. But she didn’t get a chance to answer because they kept going.
“His dame,” Vera crooned.
“His other half,” Nova exclaimed.
“More like his better half,” I joked.
“Whatever you want to call it,” my mom cut in before we lost control. “Just have it with him.”
It. What was it for us? At the baseline, I guessed I would be his wife, but it didn’t sit right. It didn’t sound like a word to describe what we had between us when we had so much more.
“His friend,” I said softly, adding my own ideas to the list. “His love.”