“I don’t know what you want me to say. I’m still not in any shape to have a relationship—maybe I never will be. I think I’m broken. I was broken before Mitch. If I wasn’t, I never would have made the decisions I made. After him, I think I’m beyond repair.”
“I’ve been broken since I left you. I mean, not to the same extent as you, but it’s true just the same.”
“Reed—”
“What if I’m the only person that can help heal you, Callie? What if you’re the only person who can fill the emptiness inside of me? Have you thought about that?”
“You shouldn’t have to heal people to love them, honey.”
“I don’t. If all we ever have is what we had when I left Macon, I’d be fine.”
“You know that’s a lie. You wanted more.”
“I want you. No matter how that comes, that’s what I want. What I’m asking you is if you want me.”
“That’s not a fair question to ask.”
“I think it is,” I argue.
“How do you figure?” she asks.
I hate seeing pain on her face, but I know we need to have this out. After my conversation with Jeff, I realized one thing. I don’t want to live my life in regret. I don’t want to spend my years wondering what would have been different if I had opened my heart.
If anything, I think that’s the one thing Jeff and Katie are doing completely wrong. Neither one is being honest with the other. Katie’s not ready for marriage. She’s doing it so she doesn’t completely lose Jeff. Jeff wants marriage more than anything, but he needs all of Katie’s heart and knows he doesn’t have it. It doesn’t take a dumbass to see that.
So, this is me laying all my cards on the table and praying like fuck I’m not messing up. I very well could be. The thing is, I can’t handle not knowing any longer.
“Because it’s not black and white. There’s no way it could be that simple. Of course, I want you, I’ve always wanted you. That’s not the issue.”
“Then, what’s the issue?”
“I’m like poison to you, Reed. I’m not good for you.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s not. Look what loving me drove you to do. I put blood on your hands.”
“There’s no way you can’t really think that, Bluebird.”
“Of course, I do. My stupidity, my choices nearly killed us all. I should have never believed the lies Mitch fed me. I was so damn gullible. I should have held on to how I felt for you and stopped trying to find someone who could make me feel special just because I hated myself. I’m the reason for everything fell apart back then.”
Maybe it’s the wrong thing to do. I can only go on instinct. I move toward her, sliding over on the bench seat and moving my hand underneath her hair to cup the side of her neck.
“Mitch and Chasity are to blame. When it comes to me and you? We’ve both made a lot of bad decisions. You can’t bare the blame of all of that, sweetheart. I won’t let you.”
“I don’t fit in your life anymore, Reed. I don’t think I ever did.”
“You’re wrong.”
“Think about it, will you? I have panic attacks going to the grocery store or out to eat. Do you really see me fitting into your jet-set life? I mean, I’ve seen those award shows you attend. I could never live that life.”
“Then, don’t. I hate those fucking things. They don’t sell my records. I have enough money that even if just my true fans from here on out bought my music I’d be fine. Hell, I’d be fine even if they didn’t. I don’t want you turning your back on what we could have because of a problem you’re imagining in that pretty head of yours.”
“Will you stop? This is pointless. You go back to Nashville in a couple of days. I’ll be here. That is reality.”
“I’m not going back.”
“Reed—”
“At least not for a bit. I’ll have to go back eventually to tie up some loose ends. There’s nothing stopping me from being here, though. I can make and produce music anywhere.”
She looks at me, and I swear I see panic written clearly all over her face. She’s terrified. Maybe I should back down, but I’m not going to. I can’t let her ago again. I made so many mistakes in our past. I know there’s no way to take those choices back. She blames herself, but the truth is, I made decisions where Chas was involved that pushed her away. I’m the one that broke off contact and allowed Mitch to get his foot in the door and manipulate her. If there’s one thing that I know about my brother, it’s that he was the master of manipulation.
“I don’t want you giving up anything for me, Reed. I’m a gamble at best.”