“He didn’t abandon you,” Iona surmised.
“He never abandoned me,” I agreed. “He was the first person in my life who didn’t.”
“And how did you feel about him starting a relationship with Robyn?”
“Angry at first. But I didn’t believe I was entitled to feel that way.”
“Did you feel betrayed?”
“No …” I shook my head. “I knew right off that there was something different about the way he was with her. I’ve watched Lachlan go through many women over our years together, and I’d never seen him act that way … he was completely gone for her. No, it wasn’t betrayal that made me angry, it was fear. I was afraid he’d fuck it up and hurt her, not just because I hated the idea of her hurting, but because if she’d wanted me to make a choice between them, I would have chosen her. I would have lost my friend to make amends with my daughter. So I was angry that he’d put me in that potential position.”
“Rightly so. But you obviously have come to terms with their relationship?”
“I trust him. I knew, for the sake of our friendship, he wouldn’t have pursued Robyn unless he had genuine feelings for her. And I know that he’ll be there for her always, because that’s who he is. And I want that for her.”
“Do you not think Lachlan would want the same for you? For Arro? Do you think he would stand in your way?”
“I think we need to talk about it when the time comes, but no, I don’t think he’ll be a problem.”
“And you want the time to come, Mac? You want to pursue a romantic relationship with Arro?”
I swallowed hard, my pulse throbbing at the thought. “I do. But I … I need to know that I won’t hurt her again like I did. I need to know that I’m the best possible version of me before I go to her.”
Iona nodded thoughtfully. “And why do you love Arro?”
I raised an eyebrow, not expecting the question. “Why is it necessary to know that?”
Used to my questioning her questions, Iona’s lips twitched. “Well, mostly because you feel guilty for loving her, and sometimes that kind of darker emotion is so overwhelming, we lose sight of the actual love itself.”
Elbows resting on my knees, I clasped my hands together and bent my head. Staring at the floor, my breathing shallowed as I struggled to make sense of the complicated emotions surrounding Arro.
“Mac …” Iona’s voice was gentle. “Forget all those other feelings. Forget the guilt, forget the notion that you don’t deserve her … forget everything and just concentrate on Arro and why you love her.”
Memories, one after the other, passed through my mind. “She … at first I didn’t even notice her, beyond the fact that she was Lachlan’s wee sister. He adored her, and so she automatically became a person I vowed to protect.” I thought about the moment it all changed. “When their dad died, Arro was there. She wasn’t even twenty-five years old when he died in her arms at the beach. Heart attack. She … she blew me away with her strength. I don’t think she even understands how strong she is. And by that, I mean she knew she needed her family around her. I think of when I lost my dad, and I felt so alone, and that loneliness was almost a wall. I was convinced no one else could understand what I was going through, so I pushed my gran away. I fell in with lads who most definitely didn’t want to talk about fucking feelings … and it was the worst thing I could have done.
“So when Arro let us be there for her, I admired her. I admired her openness. We started spending a lot of time together, walks on the beach, day trips here and there to take her mind off things. She came to me for advice about work, and we fell into a friendship as easily as Lachlan and I had. Arro always seemed more mature. I was nearly thirty-seven, and the fact that we could talk for hours made me forget her age sometimes.”
“What did you talk about?”
“Our days. Our views on politics and culture, places we’d been, places we wanted to go. Music, art, the village gossip, her worries about her family. We could debate without arguing, and it was fun. It was easy in a way I’d never experienced with a woman.”
“Did you ever talk about your family? Your upbringing?”
“I told her the basics. But not how they made me feel.”
“Why?”
“Because I liked the way she looked at me. Arro always looked at me like I was indestructible, like I’d take care of everything, like I could take care of everything. I think I became addicted to how she made me feel because deep down, I felt the opposite. I felt like such a fucking failure, and she made me feel … she made me feel like I was more.”
Iona was quiet a moment, and then, “Do you think you’ve confused loving her with that feeling, Mac?”
“No,” I bit out, shaking my head. “No, if that were true, I wouldn’t be here. I’d have walked away the moment she screamed she hated me.”
“She said that?”
I nodded, her words ripping through my chest. “After … after that night in my house.”
“Let’s go back to your feelings for Arro, then. It sounds like you became very good friends.”