A longing, if I was honest with myself, that still existed somewhere within me.
Except a pesky, painful thing called fear wouldn’t let me reach out to turn the longing into a reality.
21
Arro
“I understand this must be a strain on you,” Ada observed as she drove us toward Inverness so I could attend Mac’s jujitsu class. Ada Renshaw had been on Mac’s security team at Ardnoch for almost as long as the estate had been open for business. I knew—because I’d badgered her with questions years ago at a party she was on duty for—that she lived north of Ardnoch in Helmsdale with her cats, Horace and Holly. Ada had fascinated me at the time because I’d never met a female security guard. Moreover, she was the most content bachelorette on the planet and had said she unequivocally would never give up her autonomy for a relationship. I admired her sense of self and the way she lived her life, not giving a damn what anyone else thought.
Thinking of her comment, I sighed. I’d avoided Mac’s jujitsu class for the last few weeks, finding one excuse after the other not to attend. Last week I babysat for Thane and Regan because they’d asked me to weeks ago, and I refused to back out. Robyn came over to babysit with me, but she was, in actuality, guarding me.
As much as I dreaded Mac teaching me martial arts, I had to admit, it might be nice for my family to view me as capable of looking out for myself. Besides, I didn’t dread it so much now after our talk yesterday. I was nervous to see him again. I’d barely slept last night, going over and over in my head what he’d said, considering all the work he was doing to better himself. It had put a pretty big dent in my anger toward him.
In fact, I wasn’t even sure I was still angry.
How could I be? He’d laid himself bare yesterday. It was a wee bit like payback for the fact that I’d literally laid myself bare to him.
That didn’t mean I trusted him like I once did.
“It’s suffocating,” I finally answered. “The constant guarding. But there are worse things than being loved so much by your family.”
“Absolutely. Doesn’t mean it isn’t a pain in the arse.” Ada had a rather plummy English accent, and I loved the way she said arse like ahrse.
We shared a grin just as my phone rang in my purse. Pulling it free from the junk I needed to clean out, I smiled at the sight of Brodan’s name. “Hello, you,” I answered happily. While we’d texted and I knew my middle brother was worried, we hadn’t spoken often lately. He’d been busy filming a new movie while doing press for another due out in a few weeks.
“How is my favorite sister?” Brodan asked without preamble, speaking loudly over voices in the background.
I snorted. “You know that means something now because you have a new sister in Robyn.”
“And as lovely as she is, you’re still my favorite.”
“Charmer. Where are you? It’s loud.”
“On set. We’re taking a break while they work out the camera sequence for the next scene. I just wanted to check in.”
“I’m fine. Ada’s driving me to Inverness to do Mac’s jujitsu class.”
“Why isn’t Mac driving you?”
“He’s busy in the city before his class.” At his therapy session. Pride filled me, and I couldn’t ignore it. It was odd to feel proud of someone and at the same time wary of them.
“Tell gorgeous Ada I said hi.”
“Brodan says hi,” I passed along.
Ada smirked. “Tell him his last movie was fucking awful.”
Laughing, I repeated it, and Brodan barked his laughter. “She’s lying, but I appreciate her trying to keep my ego in check.”
“Modest much?”
“I’m a damn excellent actor, and we all know it.”
We did, but I teased, “Your arrogance is a problem.”
“My distance is a problem,” he said with an exasperated sigh. “I’m scheduled to do a few TV interviews in a couple weeks for the new film, and I’m going to make sure we squeeze in a quick trip home. I need to know for myself that you’re okay.”
“Brodan, I’m fine, I promise. I’m guarded twenty-four seven.” Plus, hopefully Lee Kilmany was the reason for all this, and it would be over as soon as he was back in prison.