“Oh.” He thinks about this for a moment. “Well. I don’t think it’s bad news. It’s just… new news.”
“I’ve had a lot of new things added to my plate lately, Tarq. Can’t it wait?”
“It can’t. It’s about tomorrow.”
I narrow my eyes. “What about tomorrow?”
“The queen has heard the rumors.”
“Queen?”
“We have a queen, we don’t have a king, but we do have… me. And now that she has learned about you, we also have you.”
I close my eyes and pray for an intervention. God. I get it. I’m kinda fun to fuck with. And sometimes even I think it’s hilarious. But I’m tired of this right now. I just want to go home. Please, please, please let me just go home.
“The queen is insisting that you come to the palace this afternoon. In fact, she is expecting us for lunch right now.”
I open my eyes and stare right into his. “No. I’m not going. I’m not meeting this queen. I will not get stuck pretending I’m some stupid missing princess. I’m going home, Tarq. Point me to the door right now.” I stomp a hoof.
He smiles at me. But it’s one of those humoring smiles. The kind of smile that says, I get it. You’re about to lose your shit and I don’t want to be here when that happens, so I’m placating you.
And this is fine with me.
“OK.”
“OK?” I ask. “That’s it?”
“I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking… ‘Tarq wants to trap me. He wants me to be his princess.’ And you’re cute, Pie. I really think you’re cute. And if, by some chance, we did get stuck together—say, in a curse of some kind—I wouldn’t mind getting stuck with you.”
“Um. Thanks?”
“But the truth is, I have a woman. She’s…” He hesitates.
“Why are you hesitating?”
“I’m just trying to find the right way to say everything. I don’t want to overwhelm you.”
I think about this. I’m not sure I believe him. But I’m already tired of this conversation and I just want to get it over with. “She’s what? Just tell me.”
“She’s trapped. That’s why I want you to open the portals. I’m not trying to invade anything. I’m trying to save my woman. So whatever. Go home. I will tell the queen you slipped out early. But this isn’t going to change anything. She wants to meet you. And that means she will meet you.”
“What if I don’t come back?”
“You owe me. You can try to stay away. And it might even work, for a while. But you owe me. The universe keeps track of debts, Pie. And we struck a deal. You sealed that deal when you showed up yesterday. You can’t get out of it. If you don’t come back, your debt will pile up. And one day it will catch up with you in a very unpleasant way.” He pauses, perhaps sensing the building rage inside me, then hurriedly adds, “But you found a way to wipe away a considerable amount of debt in just one night. Perhaps it’s the exchange rate, perhaps it’s something else. But either way, the universe is helping you right now. Do not. Piss it off.”
I sigh and throw up my arms. “Fine. What do I need to do tomorrow?”
“Just let me take you to the palace and introduce you.”
“That’s it? Just an introduction? There’s no special… Princess and the Pea test happening?”
“I don’t understand the details of that question, but I understand what you’re asking. And my answer is no, but…” He shrugs. “I don’t know for certain how she will determine you are the real deal, so to speak.”
“But you’re some kind of prince, right? Shouldn’t you know that? Didn’t you have to prove who you were?”
“No. I was sent here by—”
“Ostanes,” I say for him. “I already know that.”