Dean: How dare you!
Dean: Fine. They’re in the basement in a ribbon drawer in Shepherd’s craft room.
Dean: Okay, okay! I’ll go get them.
Laura: I didn’t even say anything.
Dean: I could feel you rolling your eyes from here.
Birdie: Where are you?? We need to come up with a new plan. This stupid rain isn’t going away.
Laura: One of the ice cream machines broke down, and suddenly the entire island has decided they don’t care about rain, and they all want ice cream. I’ll be there as soon as I can.
Birdie: Never mind. Uncle Dean just walked in and said to tell you he’ll take care of it.
Birdie: Why is he covered in chocolate pudding?
Dean: I’m in your home.
Laura: That’s not really a text that makes a woman feel warm and fuzzy.
Dean: It’s not like I told you I was riffling through your underwear drawer.
Laura: OMG!
Dean: I didn’t have to anyway. The red lace bra hanging off one of your kitchen chairs is a nice decorative touch.
Laura: Don’t judge me. The girls need to be free when they say they need to be free, and sometimes that happens when I’m making a sandwich. Why are you in my home?
Laura: Hello???
Dean: Sorry. I was distracted thinking about you standing in front of me with free tits.
Laura: Well, now that just sounds like they’re usually for sale.
Dean: I know I’d pay top dollar for them.
Laura: WHY ARE YOU IN MY HOME???
Dean: Right, my purpose for this text. Birdie told me about your finished garage that you added onto the house and transformed into an extra gathering space for holidays and family get-togethers. We’re gonna see if we can spruce it up for movie night.
Tess: Who left this stupid fucking screaming doll on my doorstep?!
Wren: I will kill my son!
Dean: It’s not Owen’s. I just put his down for a nap on Laura’s couch. And before you get mad, he actually gave me twenty bucks to babysit so he could go to the movies with some friends. He’s being a very responsible young man.
Wren: That little shit asked me if he could borrow twenty bucks before he left!
Tess: SOMEONE COME GET THIS STUPID FUCKING BABY!
Birdie: God, you’re gonna be such a good mom.
Shepherd: I ran to the mainland to pick up supplies for the Cricut so I can show Uncle Dean how to use it. Otherwise, I’d take that little guy off your hands.
Dean: I already told you, I’m not learning how to use a fucking crafting machine. We don’t need to craft to turn Laura’s garage into a movie theater. We don’t need to craft EVER.
Shepherd: A piece of my soul just died. Who hurt you???