The first thing he did was brew more coffee. Then, as we pulled ingredients from the refrigerator, he asked, “What are the chances we’ll actually be able to sit down and eat this meal?”
“Slim.”
“It’s been a while since we worked New Year’s Day, and I don’t remember if the last one was this hectic.”
“I don’t remember, either.” Our shifts tended to blur together in my mind, and most holidays were pretty indistinguishable from any other day.
Malone jokingly called himself my sous chef, even though he did as much as me to get dinner on the table. We both peeled and chopped some potatoes, and then while I worked on assembling a big pot of clam chowder, he put together a green salad, whipped up a batch of drop biscuits laced with cheddar cheese, and complained endlessly about his fourteen-year-old daughter Molly’s first boyfriend. Apparently the kid had come over to celebrate New Year’s with them, and he’d tried to slip Molly the tongue when he went in for a kiss at midnight. Needless to say, this was not okay with Malone.
Eventually, his rant wound down, and I said, “So…I kind of met someone.”
He turned to me and exclaimed, “How are you only now telling me this?”
“We were busy all day.”
“But we’ve been in the kitchen for twenty minutes!”
“You were talking about Frenchy McTongue-Slipper.”
“That kid’s a little weasel, but this is more important. I need you to start by explaining the part where you ‘kind of’ met someone. Did you, or didn’t you?”
“I did, but it’s complicated.” I leaned against the edge of the gray laminate countertop and said, “I met him online night before last, and we had a great chat. Then I ran into him at that New Year’s party I mentioned. It was right at midnight, so we kissed. But afterwards I ran off, because I got overwhelmed. Now I don’t know what to say to him.”
“I need so much more information than that. Start at the beginning. Did you meet him on a site that’s known for hookups, or for dating? Because that makes a difference.”
I turned away from him to stir the pot of soup and said, “It doesn’t really matter where we met, but it wasn’t a dating or hookup site. I just randomly stumbled across this guy. We ended up having a great chat and trading songs back and forth on the guitar and ukulele, and it just felt really good. The next day, we exchanged a few messages, and then it was a total surprise when I saw him at that party.”
“You’re being intentionally vague. Why won’t you just tell me where you met him?”
“If I did, you’d reach some inaccurate conclusions about him, and about all of this. I want you to keep an open mind.”
Malone grinned at me. “Is it, like, a twenty-year-old TikTok star who posts videos of himself disco dancing? Is that why you’re embarrassed to tell me? Because dude, seriously, if that’s what makes you happy then yes, I will tease you mercilessly. But I’ll also be thrilled, because you’re finally making an effort to meet someone.”
I wanted to tell him he wasn’t terribly far off with that guess, but it would have opened the door to a million questions. So instead, I said, “The thing is, I wasn’t out looking to meet anyone. It just happened. And actually, I’m surprised to find myself attracted to this guy.”
“Why is that?”
“Imagine my type,” I said. “Now picture the exact opposite of that.”
My friend mulled that over. “As far as I can tell, your type is basically guys like you—big, burly, sort of alpha. Am I right?”
“Pretty much.”
“Okay, got it.”
“The point I’m trying to make is that he caught me off guard,” I said. “I wasn’t looking for anyone, and I never saw myself with a guy like him, but there was just this connection. Then when we kissed, it really threw me for a loop.”
“Why is that?”
“Because I felt a spark, and it made me feel like I was cheating on Travis, or at the very least being disrespectful to his memory.”
Malone’s expression softened. “I always wondered if guilt or something like that was keeping you from getting back out there and trying to meet someone.”
“I know it’s irrational. I also fully realize how much time has passed, and that Travis would never have wanted me to be alone forever. We even talked about it once. He flat-out said he wanted me to get back out there and date again if anything ever happened to him. But even knowing that, I just feel so damn guilty.”
Malone asked, “So, what are you going to do to get past it?”
“I have no idea.”