Lark (First & Forever 5)

“If he gets the job, would you move back to Southern California?”

Kel sat up and pushed his bleached hair out of his eyes. “I don’t know. I already uprooted myself once by moving up here when he got traded, and I gave up a lot to do that. I had the best job in L.A.! I was the pet wrangler for an actor, so I got paid to hang out with his dogs and backyard chickens all day. It was so great.”

“You love animals more than anyone I’ve ever met,” I said, “so I can see why that job would have made you really happy.”

“It definitely did. The guy I worked for was so nice, too.”

“Maybe he’ll hire you back if you return to L.A.”

“He can’t, because someone else is doing that job now. I’d never want him to fire that person, just so I could come back to work.”

“Right. I didn’t think of that.”

He glanced at me from beneath his long bangs and said, “I keep going back and forth about what I’ll do if Hudson gets the job. He’s never actually made a commitment to me, so am I being ridiculous by following him around like a puppy?”

“I wouldn’t say you’re being ridiculous, because I know you love him.”

“I really do, but at the same time it breaks my heart that I’m not more of a priority in his life. I don’t need to be the most important, but it’d be nice if I made it into his top five.”

I asked, “You don’t think you are?”

“No. I think his career, football in general, his fans, his teammates, and his father’s opinion all rank way ahead of me. They’re the reasons he refuses to come out, too. So, I’m left as his dirty little secret, the boyfriend he won’t even take out to dinner because he’s worried about someone seeing us.”

“I’m sorry, Kel. That must hurt.”

After a pause, he said, “Maybe I’m being selfish. Even though things are slowly changing in pro sports, he really would face backlash if he came out. It could affect that commentator job, and future earnings…” Kel sighed as he petted one of his chinchillas. They’d both moved closer to him, as if they sensed he was upset and were trying to help.

“It’s not selfish to want to be treated like you matter.”

“I guess so.”

“Here’s what I think, for what it’s worth,” I said. “You’ve been in a holding pattern for the last year—waiting for things to change, and waiting for it to become a real relationship. But maybe you just need to start living your life, Kel. Hudson’s not making you a priority, but you’re not making yourself one, either. What if you start focusing on what you want—your dream job, your ideal place to live, and what you want your life to look like—and work on making that happen? Then let that be the deciding factor in whether or not you follow him back to L.A.”

“That’s good advice. I really am tired of being in a holding pattern, like you said, so I’m going to think about what would make me happy. First thing is figuring out a career, instead of the string of random jobs I’ve had this past year. My life needs some direction.”

“Do you have some ideas about what you might want to do?”

“I definitely want to work with animals. That’s really vague though, so I need to narrow it down.” I nodded, and Kel met my gaze and asked, “What about you, Lark? If you could be anything or do anything, what would you choose?”

“I have no idea. I actually enjoy being a cam boy, but I don’t see myself still doing this in five years, or even three. For now, it’s an easy way to make money, but eventually I’d like to do something with my life that lets me keep my clothes on.”

“I know what you mean. Did I ever tell you I used to work as a go-go boy when I first moved out on my own? Later on, I lucked into that pet wrangler job. Now, who knows what’s next?” Kel frowned and muttered, “I feel like I should have more of a handle on what I want to do with my life by now, but I just don’t, even at twenty-five.”

“I’m twenty-six and in the exact same boat.”

After a pause, Kel said, “Let’s talk about something more cheerful. Tell me about your date last night.”

“It was with the most incredible guy. He’s a firefighter named Dylan, and he’s one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met.”

“That’s awesome!”

“Yeah, but I can’t let myself get too excited. We agreed to just be friends with benefits.”

Kel studied me and said, “But you want it to be more than that, don’t you?”

“I do for sure. He’s widowed though, and it really doesn’t seem like he’s ready for another relationship.”

“That’s sad. Was it recent?”