The looks on my in-laws’ faces the night before haunted me—all that anger and outrage. I could see them as clearly as if they were standing right in front of me, so elegant and dressed up, like they’d just come from an expensive dinner. I’d pushed their reaction aside last night, but I was raw now, like an exposed nerve that felt way too much, and that made it unbearable.
They obviously didn’t care that it had been six and a half years, or that I’d mourned and cried and ached. Losing Travis had devastated me. But over time, I’d started to heal. I was supposed to.
I’d caught them off guard, and what I’d seen on their faces was emotion with no filter. Maybe it had been a knee-jerk reaction, but there was truth behind it. Their looks spoke loud and clear—if they couldn’t move on and start the next chapter of their lives, why should I?
They didn’t want me to be happy. They wanted me to mourn their son for the rest of my life, the way they did.
Travis would always own a piece of my heart, but I’d finally realized I couldn’t feel guilty for trying to build a future for myself, or for giving the rest of my heart to someone else. Travis had loved me, and that was why he never would have wanted me to remain frozen in time, consumed by misery. I knew that for a fact, even if his parents didn’t.
Ultimately, that chance encounter with my in-laws showed me I couldn’t stay here anymore, in this place picked out, paid for, and furnished by people who’d never really cared about me. They’d tolerated me at best, for the sake of their beloved son, even though they’d believed I’d never be worthy of him.
That cloud of disapproval had hung over me for years, and this place was just a reminder of it. If I was truly going to start the next chapter of my life, I couldn’t do it here. That seemed very clear to me in this moment.
I hurried to my closet, driven by the conviction that this needed to happen now, and sloppily packed a suitcase. My laptop and tablet got layered in with some clothes for padding. Toiletries were wrapped up in a towel, then wedged in with the rest. It wasn’t everything I owned, but it was enough to keep me from having to come back here for a while.
Maybe twenty minutes later, I glanced at the building in my rearview mirror as I drove down the hill. But where was I going? Right now, I couldn’t face my friends and family with their pity, consoling words, and advice. I wasn’t ready for any of that.
I sure as hell couldn’t face Lark, either. Not like this. I needed to get it together before I saw him, and I needed a plan. It was vitally important to me that I’d come to him as more than a man who’d just lost the only job he’d ever had, a man with no direction and no idea what to do next.
This wasn’t just about pride, it was about my entire sense of self. If I wasn’t a firefighter, then who was I? The job had defined me since the day I turned nineteen and took the exam. It had given me a purpose and a feeling of self-worth. It was the only thing I’d ever wanted to do.
And now it was gone.
That thought made me nauseous. I was all about routine and stability, and right now my whole world felt chaotic and out of control. I hated that so much.
I started to feel panicky, but I talked myself down by focusing on the task at hand. It was late, and driving around all night wasn’t an option. I needed to find a place to stay. That was the one and only thing I needed to accomplish tonight.
After a while, I spotted a touristy chain hotel and pulled into its parking garage. This would do.
I brought my luggage inside with me. When the young woman behind the counter asked how long I’d be staying, I mumbled, “A week,” and handed over my credit card. I had no idea if I’d be here a day, the rest of my life, or something in between. For now, it was just something to say.
As she handed me my credit card with a piece of paper to sign, she smiled at me and asked, “Are you a firefighter?”
I was stunned, until she gestured at my shirt and I looked down at myself. I’d forgotten I was still wearing my uniform. When I muttered, “I used to be,” it felt like a punch to the gut.
As soon as I got to my room, I put up the do not disturb sign, stripped, and shoved my uniform into the back of the closet. After a long, hot shower, I went through the steps to get ready for bed on auto-pilot.
Finally, I climbed under the covers and exhaled slowly. There was no way I was going to fall asleep any time soon, but at least I’d found a place to stay, someplace safe and neutral while I tried to sort out my life.
The bed felt cold and empty without Lark. It would be so easy to pick up the phone and ask him to join me. I knew he’d come without question, and he’d make me feel better.
But I couldn’t just take from him, not when I had nothing to give back, like some sort of emotional vampire. Right now, the best I could do would be to message him in the morning, explain what happened, and tell him I needed a few days to get myself together.
There was every indication my life would still be in shambles at the end of those few days. It felt really important to take that time though, to try to get myself together and figure some things out.
I needed to be better than this before I saw Lark again. Otherwise, I’d just drag him down with me.
21
Lark
Dylan Hawkins was definitely going through some stuff.
He’d texted me almost a week ago to tell me he’d lost his job, was staying in a hotel, and needed a few days to get himself together. Since then, I’d barely heard from him.
I was trying to give him some space, but it went against my natural instincts. Every part of me wanted to go to him and hug him and try to make things better. I really didn’t know what I’d say if I saw him, because words couldn’t fix this. Saying the wrong thing might even make it worse. I wished I could make like a puppy though, and just climb into his lap and cuddle with him until he felt better.
But no. Instead, I was doing the mature thing and giving him what he asked for. I was also complaining about it, a lot, and all my housemates had to be sick of hearing me vent. It was probably a relief to them when Casey and Theo flew off to their Hawaiian vacation and I moved into their gorgeous house for a week.