What Grows Dies Here

I felt Karson’s body move closer, pressing into the bed, but he didn’t touch me. I couldn’t remember if he’d touched me since I’d woken up.

The blood drained from the doctor’s face, and I watched panic settle in as he was faced with what every man was afraid of: a hysterical woman.

“I, um, maybe I should—”

“Maybe you should shut the fuck up and don’t announce what you think I should do,” I hissed.

He all but ran out the door.

I stared at that door for a long time. Karson remained close to me. We’d barely spoken since I woke up. I could barely fucking look at him. Doctors and nurses had been in and out, working as buffers. But now the silence was so thick I was drowning in it.

“I can’t see her,” I told Karson, my voice shaking now. “I can’t do it.” I imagined holding a tiny bundle, I imagined seeing her, much too small and impossibly beautiful. I imagined her with her father’s dark hair. Feeling the weight of her. Still. Frozen.

My entire body started shaking.

“I can’t see her,” I repeated, tears falling down my cheeks.

Karson was obviously done with the standing at my bedside portion of this exchange because the next thing I knew, he had climbed into the bed and was cradling me in his arms. I had no idea how he did that without disturbing the machines I was attached to, without hurting me.

Though there was nothing more anyone could do to hurt me anymore.

I buried myself in his chest and wished I could bury my face away from the world.

He held me tight. Stroked my hair.

“I can’t see her,” I told him for the third time, my words muffled by his chest. “I can’t hold her because I’d never be able to let her go.”

I felt Karson’s body flinch. He stopped stroking my hair for a handful of seconds. Then he resumed.

“I know,” he replied, his voice impossibly quiet. “I know, darlin’.”

It was the middle of the night. Neither of us were sleeping. There was a dim light coming from under the door, from a lamp in the corner that Karson had switched on, as if he’d sensed I couldn’t be in the darkness.

But I didn’t much like being in the light either. Hated the prospect of a new day, having to stay in it. Survive it. I liked it here. In the middle of the night, with the dim light and quiet hallways. This was the in-between. Nothing seemed quite as real here. Quite as heavy.

It was just Karson and me.

He hadn’t touched me since he climbed into bed with me. It was as if I knew I couldn’t handle that either. He may have needed me to comfort him. I hadn’t thought of that. That he needed my hand in his. He had lost something too. That family he so badly wanted. But I couldn’t do it. I wanted to. Desperately. But I did not have the strength.

I loved this man. He was my everything. Yet I couldn’t even fucking touch him.

“I don’t blame you.” I broke the silence between us.

Karson’s body jerked as his eyes met mine. A flinch. At my tone or the words, I wasn’t sure.

“I don’t blame you,” I repeated, because the look on his face told me I needed to repeat that. “I know you, so I know you’ve been punishing yourself through all of this. Torturing yourself.”

Though I was relatively numb, the thought of the turmoil Karson was going through hit true. He was hiding it. He would hide it from me forever. He was not one of those ‘what about me?’ men. No. That was not him. If he was stabbed right now, he would quietly bleed to death rather than have a moment of attention, of care, diverted from me.

“I don’t know what is ahead after this,” I confessed quietly. “I can’t think about that right now. But I have a sense that I’m not going to deal with this well. That I’m most likely going to hurt you. Push you away. Because I will not deal with this right.” My eyes stayed on his, despite the pain. “And during that time, I’m going to be too absorbed in my own pain, unable to tell you this. So I need to tell you this now. I need you to hear me now.” I paused, staring at Karson. “Are you listening to me, honey?”

His eyes shimmered. “I’m listening to you, baby,” he croaked after a long silence.

“Good. This is not your fault. None of this. You love me with everything inside of you. You loved that little girl with everything inside of you.”

My voice caught when I saw a tear run down Karson’s cheek. I blew out a heavy breath, knowing I had to get this all out. It was important. It felt like life or death.

“I know you do not think of yourself as a good man,” I whispered. “And maybe you aren’t. Maybe to everyone else you aren’t. But to me and that little girl you were. You were the absolute best man, and it would’ve been her privilege to have you as a father.”