The mansion was on the market.
My father was not offended in the slightest. My father had all but jumped for joy when I’d told him I was moving in with Karson. As had my mother, in her own, more subdued way. They watched me carefully too. Things with my mother were different now, warmer. I liked it. But she was still a busy woman who showed no signs of slowing down. It would still be my girlfriends I went to first.
It would still be my girlfriends who bailed me out of jail, who reminded me I had the courage to face things.
Face him.
He was across from me, chopping things and drinking wine. Acting like everything was normal even though we both knew it wasn’t. He was waiting. Giving me the opportunity to come to him.
Trusting that I would.
The truth… I had to tell him. All of it. Not just some of it. I owed him the ugliness of what I had come close to doing.
“I was arrested outside an abortion clinic today,” I told him as he sipped his wine.
To his credit, he didn’t choke when the words came out.
Poorly timed on my part. But I didn’t think there was a right time to say such a thing.
Karson didn’t look shocked in the slightest though I knew he was surprised. Karson had seen a lot in his life, done more, and he knew me well enough to know he could never predict what would come out of my mouth.
He didn’t speak either. Just waited for me to tell the rest of the story.
Because I knew how to read him, I noted the tightening of his body, everything tensing in apprehension of what was to come.
I envied his ability to drink the wine. Boy would some good vino take the edge off right now. “I kind of … blacked out,” I continued. “The protesters with the self-righteous bullshit, using religion as an excuse to peddle hatred. To abuse women at their lowest possible moments…” I trailed off. “Anyway, I broke someone’s nose. He’s pressing charges, of course.” I shrugged. “One thing on my rap sheet I definitely won’t regret.” I sighed. There was only so long I could talk about my crime until I got to the crux of it. “I was there because I’m pregnant,” I blurted. “Because I had planned on going in there and getting rid of our baby without telling you.”
I couldn’t look at him. Wasn’t brave enough. I didn’t know if I could survive the hatred that he had every right to feel.
“It’s wretched, evil and shameful,” I whispered. “But I was sure it was the kinder thing to do than subject you to more loss. To more pain.” The sound of waves crashed through the open windows. It was cruel of me to mar such a sound with my ugly truth. “It sounds fucking ridiculous when I say it out loud.” Shame saturated my tone. Still, I wouldn’t look at him.
Couldn’t.
“But it felt like the right thing,” I shook my head. “Or maybe I convinced myself it was the right thing because I’m a coward. Because I couldn’t face the idea of losing something of ours again. Or maybe I got into that fight to stop myself.” I threw my hands up at the idea. “Fuck, I don’t know. But I know I want this. More than anything. I know it could never replace her. Erase her. But it would be a disservice to her memory if I destroyed our second chance at a family just because I was afraid.”
Tears welled in my eyes.
“Fucking hormones,” I muttered, angrily wiping at my eyes.
It hit me after a few seconds that Karson hadn’t spoken.
Fuck.
It hadn’t occurred to me that maybe Karson wouldn’t want to take the chance to revisit the nightmare we’d barely made it out of. Fuck. I’d been a wreck. A complete and total wreck. It made sense that he wouldn’t want to have to put me back together again. Have to deal with me lashing out at him because I didn’t know how to deal with my own pain.
Unease pooled in my stomach.
Though I really didn’t want to, I finally looked at him. His face gave nothing away. He was staring at me, as he had been during my entire tirade. There was no fire in his eyes, no storm, no emotion. They were shuttered, his expression the mask he wore with everyone else. But not with me. Not usually, at least.
“Fuck,” I whispered, unable to look away. “I fucked up, didn’t I? We finally, after everything, had settled into our life together, when I, as always, had to add chaos.”
Karson’s brows knitted at my words. Annoyance. There it was finally.
But annoyance was much too mild of an emotion to match the news I’d just delivered.
Karson put down his wine glass calmly then rounded the kitchen island, stalking toward me.
For the first time since I met him, I fled.