I sigh. “I don’t feel that way. I really don’t. I’m sorry if I made you feel that I did. It’s not the same, and I know it.”
He moves his thumb in agonizing slow circles down my jaw, then to my neck and shoulder. “Good, because I’d hate to be the same as everyone else. Especially dickbags like them.”
I settle forward to give him more to touch, and I’m thankful he does, his hand trailing down my back and then up into my hair, massaging as he goes. It feels so good. I moan before I realize the noise I’ve made. I swallow hard and meet his eyes. He’s staring down at me the same way he was last night, like he wants to eat me whole, and I’ll love every second of it.
“What do you want, Kai?”
He stiffens at my use of his name and studies my face. “I want to be safe. I want to do my job in peace without having to worry every minute about some disaster or another. And I want that council bitch dead.”
I try to recall him talking about her. “The one who is after you, the one who sent Sal’s brother?”
He nods, leaving it there.
I let him continue massaging my shoulders, even leaning forward to touch him. He jerks away so fast I almost topple over on the bed. “You forgot. You can’t touch me.”
“I didn’t realize that was like a forever rule. Like I can’t touch you for the rest of your life, or my life?”
His tone is hard. “Ever. I can’t control myself around you.”
I sit up. “Then don’t.”
“Don’t go there…”
The silence stretches between us, my body yearning for the press of his hands again. “Why are you pushing me away?”
He spins and pins me down with a glare. “What? That’s rich coming from the woman who has done nothing but shove me away since we met, sometimes literally.”
“You can’t use that time against me. I was healing, and I wasn’t right yet. I’m still not right, but I can feel I’m on a good path. One that will mean maybe I can have a normal life one day. Without the shadow of those memories looming over me every second.”
His eyes soften, and he sits again. “Rose, you are going to fucking kill me.”
I frown. “Then marry me. Let me keep you safe like you’ve kept me safe all this time.”
He shakes his head, the softness shifting to a dull glint. “We can’t get married. I already told you I won’t do that to you. Besides, when I get married, I need certain aspects in a wife, and virginity isn’t one of them.”
My mouth hangs open as I process his words. “Excuse me. Now I’m not good enough because I’m a virgin, by your definition, by the way, not mine.”
He shifts on the bed and stands. “That’s it. There’s nothing else to say.”
He walks out, and I can’t stand being in the room a moment longer. I grab my wallet and my shoes and leave the room. Then the apartment. One of the guards trails me outside, but I lose him easily enough. I slip into a hotel with a bar and decide getting absolutely hammered sounds like a way better plan than throwing myself at someone who doesn’t want me.
21
KAI
How did I let things get this far and this bad? Every time I open my mouth these days, it’s like stupidity pours out where she’s concerned.
She cannot understand how much I want to make her mine, how much I want her underneath me, and how beautiful I think she’d look with my cock down her throat. I want her. More than breathing, or eating, or fucking. It’s not one thing. It’s all of them.
I throw myself back on the bed. The memory of her spreading her thighs, of letting me taste her, is seared there, waiting for the second I close them to rise up and overtake me.
It’s hard, but I push the thoughts away. It’s stupid, but we can’t do it again. I doubt I’ll have the control to keep from doing more a second time.
Even last night, I didn’t sleep at all for fear one brush of her body against me would be one touch too many for my cobweb control.
I roll up to sit and then head back into my office. I’ll give her time to cool off, and then I’ll go find her and try to apologize again without shoving my foot into my mouth.
Even after I go through the team’s needs, digitally and personally, I still can’t get her out of my head. Her scent lingers, and I’m dying trying to resist.