That particular tone of hers was one he was partial to. “I despised the Archambaults so much back then,” he admitted. “They treated me as if I wasn’t a person at all. I was simply an asset to them, one they could dictate to and move around like a little marionette on strings. I had no home, no base, no one to talk to. I realized very early on that not one single person cared about me as a person, only what I could do for them as a rider. Everything became about how fast I was. And then it was, could I get any faster? I told you this, I shouldn’t repeat myself. I don’t want to sound like I’m whining.”
“Talking about your childhood and the way you grew up isn’t whining, Elie,” Brielle said. “I want to hear it.”
“Sometimes, you were the only thing that got me through a day. I detested my life once I realized I didn’t matter to a single person. The Archambaults scheduled every minute of my day, insisting I take so many rotations and then train younger riders when I wasn’t working. I started going to the clubs out of defiance, and then I did it because that kind of sex became addicting and it was one place I was in complete control.”
Brielle rubbed her palm up and down his thigh, as if she could soothe away the terrible hurt his younger self had felt in those days. Rage had been his constant companion. “They wanted to dictate how I could live. They wanted my genetics passed on. They discussed this all without consulting me. I wasn’t important enough to discuss it with.”
Brielle traced little patterns along his thigh. “I had no idea that such an important family would treat one of its own family members and best riders that way. I’m so sorry, Elie. I know what it’s like to feel alone.”
“I know you do, Brielle.” He brushed a kiss on top of her head. “I swear, bébé, I didn’t know I was compromising you when you were so young by tangling your shadow with mine. I know you’re uncomfortable that you enjoy kink . . .”
“I need it,” she admitted in a low voice.
He was so damn proud of her. He kissed her temple. “I do, too. There’s nothing wrong with us, Brielle. We just have to make sure we check in with each other all the time. You always need to let me know if you don’t want to do something. If I take something too far.”
“I will. Keep talking to me about the Archambaults.”
He let her get away with shifting the subject back to him.
“Stefano says they’ve changed how they do things because I refused to return to them and made my home here instead.” He laughed softly. “They did get their way when the computer matched us together in spite of you refusing to marry me. Not that I want our children to experience anything like I did when they train.”
“What if they have problems in the shadows the way I do? That can be genetic, Elie. No one has ever looked into it, but it’s highly likely I could pass that on to our children.”
He shrugged. “Then our children will find other jobs that are equally useful to our family just as you’ve done. I do want to go with you and see just how ill you get when you’re in the shadows.”
The moment he made the declaration, as casual as it was, she tensed. “That’s not necessary, honey. I said I would rather take an investigator’s job. I won’t go into the shadows unless it’s absolutely crucial.”
“It’s necessary to me, Brielle,” he said firmly. “I need to see for myself how difficult it is for you. In an emergency, I’ll want you to use the shadows to escape. If we have children, I’d expect you to take them into the shadows to get them out of harm’s way while I hunted our enemies.”
“You don’t ever have to worry on that score, Elie,” Brielle returned. There was absolute steel in her voice. “Not only can I promise our children will be safe, but I’d hunt with you.”
He sighed and tugged on the mass of wild curls. “You’re a little bloodthirsty thing, aren’t you? I find you sexy as hell, Brielle, but you’re going to have to rein it in. Dario and Valentino will be very bad influences on you if you go to work for them. It’s bad enough having the Ferraros around you.”
She gave him her little undignified giggle that slipped out every now and then and tugged on his heartstrings. Once she’d sobered, she pressed her head back against his chest. “In some ways, I felt as if I had to protect my parents and Fayette, even at a young age. They had already gone through so much of their resources by the time I was able to know what was going on that I knew my mother was embarrassed to entertain in the house.”
Elie tightened his arms around her. “Baby, I love that you’re so fierce, but we need to have an agreement that you’re going to let me handle the crazies of the world and you’ll point me to them. I like teamwork. Having you be a big part of that is important to me, but knowing you’re safe is also important to me.”
“You didn’t specify on the application that you didn’t want a shadow rider, Elie.”
He listened to the nuances of her voice. She was carefully neutral. No inflections whatsoever.
“That’s true, Brielle. I’m ashamed to say when I thought I was marrying a stranger, I didn’t think it would matter to me if she went into the shadows and took rotations. I figured it would be all to the good, actually. I’d have time to get used to her and she would me. But you aren’t a stranger. I’ve had years of thinking about you. Worrying about you. Being pissed as hell at you.” He emphasized that with a bite to her shoulder and not a particularly gentle one, either.
Brielle yelped, but Elie continued.
“You matter to me; you always have. I don’t want to chance losing you. What I feel for you isn’t all about our connection with the shadows, although truthfully, every chance I get, just like I did back when you were a kid, I still tie you to me more and more.”
“You do?” There was a hopeful note in her voice. She ducked her head, burying it on his chest so he couldn’t see her face, but he heard that note in her voice that told him maybe she actually could care a little bit about him, too.
“Of course I do. You damn well nearly stopped our wedding right in front of the priest and all the Ferraros. If I could have, I would have spent all night with our shadows tangling together, just so it would have been impossible for you to even think of leaving me.”
“I’m sorry, Elie. I was so terrified when I realized it was you.” Her voice was whisper soft, brushing over his skin like the touch of fingers.
“Why? It wasn’t about me knowing you were into kink, ma belle. You aren’t in the least embarrassed. You already knew I was. You aren’t inhibited. A little shy at first with experimenting, but you’re ready to please me when I ask, so your hesitation had nothing to do with sex. On some level you knew Fayette lied to you about me. At the very least, you would have asked me yourself. You have integrity. Even if you don’t entirely trust yourself to hear truth, I think you would have known if I had lied to you.”
Brielle remained silent, shaking her head. Her body had gone tense, when before she was completely relaxed. He stroked caresses along her arms and hips in an effort to comfort her. She even gave an involuntary shake of her head.
“Bébé, you trust me with your body. When are you going to trust me with your heart?” He asked the question softly, aching for both of them. His heart was already involved. All those years of thinking about her, despising the fact that he’d hurt her because he’d been young and stupid and so angry that the Archambaults had stolen his childhood and made him an object rather than a human being. But in reality, hadn’t her parents done the same to her? She’d turned out compassionate and warm.