“Are we back to therapy again?” Tanner sighed.
Logan shook his head. “We’re back to two brothers talking about the worst time in their lives.” He tipped his head to the side, thinking. “Maybe not the worst time for you, but it’s pretty close.”
“Thanks for the reminder.”
“You don’t need reminding. None of us do. The memories are always there.”
“Truth.” Tanner shook his head. “But I try not to engage with them.”
“And that’s your problem. You stuff it all down and think you’re okay. And maybe you are okay sometimes. But piling all your problems up under a rug is asking for trouble. You can tiptoe around it all you like, but that big mound of dirt is still there.”
Tanner breathed in deeply. “It’s old history.”
“Old history that’s messing up your life.”
“What do you want me to do about it?” Tanner asked, his face serious. “Mom’s dead. Nothing’s gonna bring her back. Not me talking about it, or being silent about it. It’s a fact of life. She’s gone.”
“Maybe you can forgive yourself for not being there when she died,” Logan said softly. “That would be a damn good start.”
Tanner’s chest constricted. “I was a fu— I mean freaking chicken. I ran away because I was scared.”
“You left because you were eight years old and had no idea how to deal with Mom dying. And if she was here right now, I think she’d tell you exactly that.”
“I didn’t sa
y goodbye.” Tanner pressed his lips together.
“I know, bro. But she was our mom. She knew you loved her. Heck, you were her little shadow for most of your first five years. You were always the one who made her laugh. She knew, bro, she just knew.”
He wasn’t gonna cry. He hadn’t for years. But his throat was thick with emotion. “I miss her, you know?”
“Yeah.” Logan’s voice was gruff. “I know. We’ve all tried to cope with the pain. Look at me, I never stop working because if I do, I’ll start to think about everything I’ve lost. And Cam, why do you think he wants to win every game he plays, even if he ends up in the hospital? Then there is Gray. The way he dealt with the pain was to face up to dad every time one of them opened their mouths. We’re all messed up, Tanner. But the first step toward healing is to admit we have a problem. You’ve spent your whole life trying to save everybody else because you couldn’t save Mom.”
Tanner blinked. “Who have I tried to save?”
“Van. Zoe. Those guys you worked with who were desperate for the proceeds from your business sale. Let’s not forget about all the times you’d throw yourself between Dad and Gray to stop them from hitting each other. You come riding in like a knight in shining armor because it’s so less scary than trying to save yourself.”
“You think I’m scared?” His thoughts flickered to the previous night. To him accusing Van of being frightened. Surely Logan was wrong. Tanner wasn’t frightened of anything.
“Truthfully?” Logan’s gaze met his. “I think you’re terrified. Of losing Van the same way you lost Mom.”
“I already lost her,” Tanner said. “She’s gone.”
Logan pressed his lips together, his eyes crinkling at the corners. Then his phone buzzed. He lifted it from his pocket and unlocked the screen.
“It’s Gray. He wants us to come over for brunch in a couple of hours.” Logan glanced at his watch. “You up for it?”
“Yeah.”
As Logan tapped out a reply, Tanner turned back to his mom’s headstone, reading the inscription.
Grace Hartson. Beloved wife, mother, and sister. Taken too soon.
Losing her at the age of eight had broken his heart, but there was nothing he could do about that. Losing Van? That felt like having his soul ripped out. But she wasn’t dead. She hadn’t even left town. She was only a few miles down the road, and for the first time that gave him hope.
“Bye, Mom,” he said, his words peppered with grit.
“You ready to go?” Logan asked him.