But I see my mom press her hands to her chest as happy tears track down her face. Priscilla wipes her own tears away as she excitedly bends close to our dad’s ear, no doubt telling him about my upcoming nuptials. Julian’s mom smiles at me like this is the happiest moment of her life.
And I can’t do it. Not in front of an audience.
Later, I tell myself. I’ll do it later. When it’s quiet, when there aren’t people all around, when I’ve had time, when I’ve caught my breath, when my head doesn’t feel like it’s exploding.
I find my voice, and I say, “Yes.”
Applause breaks out, loud whistling. Silverware clinks against glasses, and Julian smiles at me, looking like I’ve given him the moon. As he leans down to kiss me, my peripheral vision catches sight of a familiar face.
Quan.
He’s here. He witnessed that. He looks like someone just tore his heart out.
Julian’s lips touch mine, and I freeze. I don’t kiss him back. I can’t.
What have I done?
He doesn’t seem to notice that I didn’t kiss him back as he pulls away and lifts his glass toward me.
“To us,” he says.
I clink my glass with his and tip my head back to drink. What else can I do now? I swallow even though the wine tastes like vinegar in my mouth.
When I’m done, my eyes immediately seek out Quan. But he’s gone.
Pure, undiluted panic shoots through me. I can’t let him leave like this. I have to explain. I have to make him understand.
“I’ll be right back,” I say to Julian, and I hurry around to the front of the house.
I don’t see him on the front lawn or the driveway, so I run to the sidewalk. It’s starting to get dark out, but I see him. He’s there, walking fast, walking away from me.
“Quan,” I call out as I chase after him.
Instead of turning around to face me, he walks faster. “I can’t do this right now, Anna.”
“It’s not what you think.”
He keeps walking, so I run after him. When I grab his hand, he yanks his arm away from me like I’ve burned him, and it feels like a smack in the face.
“Quan—”
He whips around abruptly. “I really can’t do this right now. I’m not—” He drags in a breath. Down at his sides, his hands curl into fists. “I’m not thinking straight. I don’t want to say things that—I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m sorry,” I say. “I’m not marrying him. I just couldn’t say it while everyone was watching. Plus, my mom and his mom want this so bad that I—I—I . . .”
“I was watching, too, and I saw my girlfriend tell her entire family that she was marrying someone else. Do you have any idea how that feels?” he asks.
“I know it was wrong of me. I really am sorry. I’m going to fix this,” I say, pleading with him. I’m not in control of my life. He has to know that.
“Then fix it now,” he says. “I’ll go in there with you, and you can make a new announcement. Tell them I’m the one you’re with. Me.”
I don’t know what to say. I can’t do what he’s asking. Everyone wants me and Julian to be together. If I’m going to go against their wishes, I have to find another way to do it, something quiet and clever. I’m still figuring it out, but I’m fairly sure it involves getting Julian to call it off. They can’t pressure me then. They can’t make me say yes.
“Or can you only be with me in the dark? Are you ashamed of me, Anna?” he asks in a rough voice.
“No.”
“Then why do you act like you are? Why can’t you speak up for me?”