TANA
Aloud, childish shriek has me bolting upright and immediately regretting the action. Flopping onto my back, I press a hand to my throbbing head and wince at the sunlight streaming in the window. I crack open an eyelid when my brain doesn’t feel like it’s being trampled by a herd of angry wildebeests.
The first thing I notice is that I’m not in my room.
What the fuck.
The second thing I notice is that I’m not alone.
What the fuck.
A distinct, tattooed forearm wraps around my waist and pulls me against a warm, naked chest. Lips nuzzled at my throat for a moment, followed by light snores. A quick glance over my shoulder reveals Alec wrapped around me like ivy on a pole. And if I’m not mistaken, there’s a very generous erection pressed firmly against my ass.
My naked ass.
WHAT THE FUCK.
As carefully as possible, I slip out from under Alec’s arm. Thankfully, he’s practically dead to the world from staying up all night at work, then tending to the girls until they could stop throwing up, then getting hammered and having me for dessert. He’s been a busy guy.
After throwing on a pair of boxers and a T-shirt I find in his dresser drawer, I sneak out of his room. I can’t find any of my clothes for some reason, but I’ll worry about that later. I have to make it to my room without running into the girls. They don’t need to be any more confused than they already are. Luckily the coast is clear, and I sprint to my room and lock the door behind me.
I hop in the shower and hope a cold blast of water will clear my head, but all it does is make me squeal out a curse. Minutes later, I leap out colder, more irritable, and still as tired as before. I dress in a pair of yoga pants and a thin, soft T-shirt that swings around my hips. All my old clothes appeared in my closet at some point, and I decided not to say anything about it. I’ve got bigger things to worry about than clothes.
Like what the hell else I did with Alec last night.
I’m in the kitchen a short while later trying to act as normal as possible before the girls come down the stairs when a key turns in the front door lock, and a woman bursts through in a whirlwind of cheetah print and hairspray. My mouth drops open, and I’m at a loss for words. She’s a good six inches shorter than me and as petite as I am full-figured.
Her eyes widen momentarily when she catches sight of me, and then her mouth splits into a wide, red lipstick-covered smile. “Well, I’ll be, Tana honey. It sure is great to see you.” She crosses the living room to me and wraps me in a cloud of perfume. “I’ve been meaning to come by and see you sooner, but Alec was adamant I not bug you too much. I tried to tell him I wouldn’t be a bother, but he’s damn protective, isn’t he? You gotta love him. I’m so sorry I missed your calls and messages. Frank and I got into a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc and passed out after binging Criminal Minds. How are the girls?”
“You must be Alec’s mom,” I say.
She makes a sympathetic face and pats my arm. “I’m sorry, honey, I don’t know what I was thinking. Sometimes my mouth just runs away from me. Yes, I’m Tracy Dorran. I guess I should have led with that.”
“It’s okay. Nice to meet you again?” I say, the end of the sentence tilting up in question. “They’re all sleeping right now. Alec had a fire call-out last night, and the girls woke up throwing up.”
Tracy moves to the kitchen island. “I’ve got just the thing. Best chicken soup my granny ever made. It could cure broken bones. I’ll get it cooking so it’s ready for them when they can keep food down. Why don’t you sit with me a spell, and we can get to know each other?”
“Don’t you already know me?” I say, uncertain if I’m confused or just tired.
“Well, I knew you before the accident, but I don’t know you now, and you sure don’t know me. It’ll be fun to get reacquainted.”
She gets coffee going and a heavenly smelling soup on the stove. Soon, she places a cup in front of me. I don’t know what it is, but it tastes better than anything I’ve ever made. What does she put in this that makes it taste so damn good?
Her directness is refreshing. Since the accident, most of the people I’ve met have eyes full of pity and don’t have a damn thing to say. I find myself relaxing in her presence and breathing deeply for the first time since I got out of bed.
“I’d like that,” I say as Tracy moves around the kitchen, whipping up breakfast and chicken soup with a practiced hand.
An hour later, Gemma makes her first appearance, her sleepy eyes peering around the corner of the stairs, wide with curiosity. “Gramma!” she says when she realizes who is in the kitchen with me. Leaping across the distance, she barrels into Tracy’s legs.
“Hey there, punkin’. How are you feeling?” She rubs a hand over Gemma’s head.
“A little better. My tummy still feels a little wobbly.”
“Why don’t I make you a nice, cold glass of ginger ale? That should help settle your tummy.”
Suddenly, Gemma pushes away from Tracy’s legs and throws herself bodily in my direction. I only manage to catch her at the last second. “I want Mama!” She wails and clings to my thighs. My frantic eyes meet Tracy’s over the counter.
I’d managed the night before by the skin of my teeth. Mostly because I was running on instinct, and the girls were distracted by how exhausted and terrible they felt. I kept them clean and alive, so I figured that was pretty good. At least, that’s what I thought until Alec came home and gave me that look.
The memory of it in the forefront of my mind keeps me frozen as Gemma’s little body presses close to mine. My hands hover in the hair, unsure if I should lay them on her shoulders or pat her head. “What do I do?” I mouth to Tracy.
“Hug her,” Tracy mouths back.
An internal battle wages for a few long seconds. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. But there’s also something inside me that won’t let me leave this little girl wanting. She needs me, maybe as much as I need an anchor tethering me somewhere, anywhere. So I wrap my arms around her little frame and provide comfort as much as receive it.
My eyes close, and there’s a stirring inside my brain… and maybe my heart. Muscles soften and relax, and the little girl scent of shampoo and sugar fills my nose. My brain may not remember her, but I think maybe… I think maybe my heart does. She gives in to me, snuggling closer, and I let her, rubbing a soothing hand on her back.
“It’s okay, Gemma,” I say into her hair. “I’m still here.”
She shudders against my legs. “I thought you were going to leave me again. I woke up, and you weren’t there.”
I slump against her, my heart breaking a little. “I’m sorry, sweetheart. But your dad was taking good care of you. I didn’t go anywhere. I just went back to my room to try and get some sleep.” Emphasis on try.
“I don’t want you to go,” she whispers. I think I may have preferred if she’d screamed it at me. But she says it like it comes from the deepest wells of her fears. And rightfully so, considering what this precious little soul has been through.
All I can say is, “I’m right here.” Because while the sudden urge to protect her at all costs is the strongest thing I’ve felt since I woke up, I also have Alec’s words me not to make any promises that I can’t keep.
Clearly sensing the tension, Tracy swoops in with a stack of pancakes for me and a fresh glass of ginger ale for Gemma. “Sip on this, sugar, and let’s see how your tummy tolerates it this morning.”
“Okay Granny,” Gemma says sweetly and climbs onto the barstool next to me.
She’s got a little more color to her today than she did yesterday, which, according to my frantic internet searching, must be a good sign. It must have been some freak twenty-four-hour bug. Poor babies. Hard to believe I did this every day with both girls when I can barely keep it together for myself.
“What have you got planned today?” Tracy asks as she rinses off her breakfast dishes.
“I’m not sure, really. I’m kind of at loose ends, I guess, trying to figure out who I am now and what I’m supposed to be doing.”
“Why don’t you take my car and go out for a little while? Alec mentioned you got the all clear to drive. I’ll help Alec with the girls. It sounds like you can use some fresh air.”
“I don’t know…”
“Don’t you argue with me now. You can’t spend all your time cooped up here waiting on your life to fall back into your lap. From what Alec told me, the doctors don’t even think your memories are going to come back. Which means you have to figure out your new way forward, and the only way you can do that is to get started.”
“But what if I can’t—”
Tracy levels me with a look, and I see where Alec gets his iron sense of will. “Can’t never could no nothin’, little girl. Now get out of here.”
It’s not until I’m in the car and driving around Battleboro that I realize I have no idea where I’m supposed to be going. I just didn’t want to face Tracy’s wrath by telling her that. After driving around for a while, I find myself at the park by the river where Alec kissed me. I didn’t even realize that’s where I was going until I’m out of the car and sitting at the picnic bench under a tree.
Thumping my head against the table as though it’ll rattle the memories out, I try to get a hold of myself. I’ve been waiting for my next step to hit me in the head when that may never happen. Like Dr. Rennan said, my memories may never come back. It’s time to figure out what that’ll mean for my future.
First: I need to figure out a job.
I know Alec would let me leech off him forever. It’s just the kind of guy he is, but that’s not who I am. I need to be able to support myself and have the freedom that provides should things go south.
Second: I need to figure out what to do about the girls. It’s not fair to them to be wishy-washy in their lives. I need to decide once and for all if I want to put in the work to be there for them or to bow out now.
Which leads me to the third thing: what to do about Alec.
That may be the most difficult of them all. My body tells me yes. Clearly, it has no trouble remembering him. It screams at me to beg for more kisses, more touches… more, more, more.
But I’m terrified that he only wants his wife back, not me. And what happens when he snaps out of his grief and realizes we’re not the same.
Not anymore.
I couldn’t handle it if he were to push me away. So, for now, I won’t do anything about Alec. I’ll focus on the first two points of my plan and move from there.
Feeling decidedly better, I push to my feet when a high-pitched sound catches my attention. I look for the source when movement catches my eye. A gasp bursts from my chest when a little black head lifts from a bed of grass a couple dozen yards away. It’s a cat, a beautiful, dark tortoiseshell, I think. God only knows how I remember what that’s called and not anything important. Stupid brain.
The cat gets to its feet and begins moving toward me slowly and off centered. Then I realize its front legs are deformed. They can’t extend fully, so the poor thing is a limping, hoping mess all the way over to me. When it gets close enough for me to see, I realize it’s all skin and bones. It can’t weigh more than a couple pounds if that.
“Oh my god,” I exclaim as I drop to my knees. “What happened to you?”
Its responding mewl is pitiful, and I hesitate to pet it, worried it may have been hit by a car, which is why its legs are so deformed. But it presses against my legs and doesn’t seem to be in pain. I don’t know if that’s better, though, because that would mean its legs had healed like this.
I gently pull it into my lap, its purrs vibrating in my chest. “Did someone leave you here?” A spurt of anger heats my veins. It presses its head into my wrist, and I look around as though I’ll find answers, but there are none. “What are we going to do with you?”
My mind races for a few minutes before I think to pull my phone out of my pocket. I do a quick Google search and find a local rescue. I hit the call button with the cat curled happily in my lap as though it’s where she’s always belonged.
Ten minutes later, I’m pulling up in their front parking lot. It’s a little rundown building with dozens of cages in the back. A cacophony of dogs barking greets my ears as I gingerly retrieve the and head inside.
A bank of chairs is to my immediate right, and an unmanned desk blocks off the rest of the room. The din from the dogs is buffered, but not much. The cat seems to know it’s found a friend because it snoozes happily in my arms. Meanwhile, I’m still frantic at the thought of it being hurt.
A woman blows in with a kitten in her lab coat pocket. It peeks out from over the edge, scents the cat in my arms and dives back down. The woman searches the desk for something and, not finding it, blows out a breath that moves the sweep of bangs from in front of her eyes. Seeing me, she offers a kind, if a bit harried, smile. “Sorry for the wait. We had a bit of an emergency. I’m Penelope Baker. You can call me Penny. How can I help you?”
I hold up the cat. “This girl needs some help. At least, I’m pretty sure it’s a girl. It just showed up at the park where I was at. I didn’t know what else to do.”
Penny’s bright blue eyes widen and she moves around the desk to motion with a hand to the hallway. “Oh my goodness. Poor thing. Let’s go to the back, and we’ll take a look.”
I follow a step behind Penny to the exam room. “Do you think she’ll be okay?”
She places the cat on the table and makes soothing noises to her as she begins her examination. The cat, who doesn’t seem to know a stranger, is instantly friendly and butts her head against Penny’s hands, audibly purring. “It is a she and she seems to be doing as okay as she can be. Probably starving and dehydrated, and there’s definitely something going on with her front legs. We’ll have to get an X-ray and run some tests, but it’s good that you brought her in. She wouldn’t have made it long in the world like this.”
“I didn’t know what else to do,” I repeat.
Penny notices my nerves and gives me a comforting smile. “It’ll be okay, Tana. We’ll take care of her.”
I give a start at the sound of my name. “You know me? I’m sorry, I didn’t even think of that.” I probably should have known considering how small Battleboro is. Even during my time walking around or when we went to the grocery store, people would give me a friendly wave like they knew me—and they probably did.
Penny moves around the room with practiced ease, drawing up vaccines and dispensing medication to the cat who isn’t pleased, but is placated with treats. “We know each other in passing. It’s a small town, and my brother Rhett’s best friend Jaxon works with Alec.”
Shaking my head, I say, “I don’t think I’ll ever get over meeting more people that know more about me than I do about myself.”
She sticks her pencil into the bun of messy blonde waves on the to of her head, pushes up her glasses and sticks out a hand, “Well, why don’t we pretend that we just met. I’m Penelope Baker. You can call me Penny. I’m a veterinarian and run the rescue with a couple other volunteers. It’s nice to meet you.”
I can’t think of anything other than, “I am Tana Dorran, and that’s about it,” as I shake hers.
“C’mon, you can do better than that.”
“I’m Tana. I like true crime shows, gardening, and I’ve got the biggest crush on my husband.” Saying it out loud makes me give a nervous giggle. “But don’t tell him that yet.”
Penny mimes zipping her lips. “Nice to meet you, Tana.” She gestures to the cat who is stretching on the exam table. “This little girl looks to be about two or three years old. I’m going to bet her legs are from a birth defect. But will take those X-rays to be sure. We’ll keep her here for observation for a bit while we run some tests.”
I hesitate and then say, “Do you mind if I stick around while you do? I won’t be able to relax until I know she’s okay for sure. Sad to say, but I have a lot in common with this cat.”
“Of course! You can hang out as long as you don’t mind lending a hand. We can always use the help, I’m afraid. I can’t seem to say no to any stray that shows up and I have more animals than helpers these days.”
My spirits lift a little. “Really? Honestly, I could use the distraction.”
Penny nods enthusiastically, “I’m happy to put you to work.”
For the first time since I woke up in the hospital, I start to feel at home in my own skin.