“I’m sorry. I just thought…” I stumble over my own words as I fight crying in front of him.
When he opens his eyes, glassy hazels stare back at me. “Please don’t apologize. Believe me, I have wanted this—us—for so long. But after seeing you around Gavin this past week, it’s quite clear where your heart lies. He hurt you, but you wouldn’t be this devastated if you didn’t still love him.”
“I don’t love—”
Jonas holds up his hand to stop me. “You’re upset right now, and I understand why you’re saying that. But you can’t run from the truth, Cora. And as much as I care about you, I don’t want to be the runner-up. For a long time, I thought I had a chance. But after seeing you two together, and seeing how devastated you are right now… you never fell out of love with him. And that’s okay. If us just being friends is the only way I get to have you in my life, so be it. At least I get to have you.”
Jonas said he cares about me. That he would be with me, if I could give him my whole heart. Although he didn’t outright say he loves me, part of me deep down knows he does. But our love isn’t the type to stop time. The type that consumes every breath and thought and cell. And that’s okay. Because at least I still have him. Even if it isn’t the way he wants. And that speaks volumes to the type of man he is.
I nod. “Okay. Thank you.”
His brow knits in the middle as he tilts his head. “Why are you thanking me?”
“Because I’m so lucky to have you in my life. Lucky I met you. Our friendship is like none I’ve had.” I swallow past the emotional lump in my throat and blink back tears. “I wouldn’t get through this without you. Wouldn’t make it out of this whole without you. You will always have a special place in my heart. Always.”
“I know.” He leans forward and kisses my cheek, his lips lingering a little longer than friendship warrants before he sits back up. “Ditto. Try to get some sleep. And in the morning, we’ll all go out to breakfast.”
And before I respond, Jonas gets up and walks out of my bedroom, closing the door behind him. I don’t know what I did to deserve a man like Jonas in my life, but I am indebted to whatever power brought us together. Maybe the universe knew I needed someone as tenderhearted as Jonas to help heal my heart. Not completely, but enough to live in the world.
I roll over and hug the other pillow to my chest, catching Gavin’s scent. I inhale deeply and, for the first time in twenty-four hours, allow myself to purposely think about Gavin. Flutters echo in the chambers of my heart and I hug the pillow tighter. I imagine my arms wrapped around him as his scent fills each alveolus in my lungs.
Within minutes, my eyes grow heavy and drift shut as I dream about beaches and sunsets and giant evergreen trees.
Six
Cora
Thirteen years ago
Summer was once my favorite time of year. Now it officially sucks.
It has been two weeks since Gavin left and all I feel is hollow. A mere shell of the girl I was weeks ago.
Talking with him on the phone every day relieves some of the anguish in my heart. But it never fully dissipates. The strangest part of it all… Before Gavin, I was this loner girl. Someone who never cared for the company of others—with the exception of Shelly. Before Gavin, it had never been challenging to sit beneath a tree by myself and get lost in a book. To hang out in my room alone and listen to music. To walk in the park and listen to the leaves rustle and the birds chirp.
Now, I don’t want to even imagine sitting beneath our tree when school starts again. It is bad enough Gavin won’t be there, but I also don’t have Shelly to hang with since she goes to another school. Listening to music hasn’t been the same and I have no desire to step foot outside unless absolutely necessary.
I reach for my sketch pad and pencils and drag them closer. For the next two hours, I get lost in art. At least with art, I create whatever I feel. Art doesn’t have to be rainbows or cheeriness or the sunny side of life. It can be anything at any given time. Emotion spilled on paper or canvas and up for interpretation.
When I finish, I dust off the page and take in my drawing. The graphite dons the page in sharp lines and subtle smudges. The scent of pencil shavings pricks my nose. A layer of shiny carbon coats the edges of my palms and several fingertips.
On the page, I drew a beach sunset with a silhouette couple walking hand in hand by the water. In the bottom right corner, I scribble the signature I add to all my art pieces. Before I fold it into thirds, a tear slips from my eye and lands on the page.
I don’t wipe it away. I let it stay and bleed through the paper, knowing Gavin will see it when I mail it to him.
On a piece of notebook paper, I start writing a letter to Gavin. Although we talk on the phone regularly, there is something different about sending him drawings or pictures and letters. Like I am sending a physical piece of myself to him. Something for him to hold in his hands when he can’t hold me. Something he can look at in the future when he needs me with him. A form of solace in our time apart.
Gavin,
I miss you so much. Sunsets aren’t the same without you by my side.
And I’m so tired of everyone asking me if I’m okay. Why would they think I’m okay? My boyfriend, the love of my life, just got shipped off to California. I mean… would they be alright if it happened to them?
I seriously doubt it.
Have you gotten your room situated yet? I know it’ll never be like your room here, but maybe you can make it as close as possible.
Thanks for sending me the picture of the California sunset. It’s definitely a different view than anywhere here. I hope we can share the sunsets there together sometime. More to add to our memories.