I’m left standing in the middle of the room with my jaw hanging open. I have a decision to make, and I’d be a fool to spend any time wondering which direction I’m going to go.
My heart breaks a little more each day I spend without him, so I don’t think having expectations and then being let down once again would hurt any more.
Chapter 34
Harley
The house is spotless, minus the dusting, but I have a woman coming next week to take care of that for me.
I stare down at the empty area between the couch and the television stand, finding that I hate it being absent of Aria’s toys. Without really giving it much thought, I pull out a few things I just put into the toy box and leave them on the floor.
Then, I pace, back and forth over through the area between the living room and the kitchen.
I’m nervous.
I’ve seen Ali naked.
Felt her come so damn hard on my cock.
And somehow, I’m anxious and as giddy as a kid suffering through the application of sunscreen while staring at the ocean.
I’ve wanted to walk up to her and tell her that I was ready, that I needed her to be a romantic part of my life rather than just the woman who is always so agreeable when I ask if she can keep an eye on Aria.
But until I woke up two days ago, feeling like a new man, I knew asking before now would’ve been too soon. I didn’t want to get back on the carousel of hurting her because I was hurting too.
I release a very slow breath when the doorbell rings. My heart pounds behind my ribcage, and if I weren’t so physically fit, I’d worry about it giving out on me before I can open the front door.
With an overnight bag in her grip, Ali stands there, giving me a small smile, but I can still see the apprehension on her face. She doesn’t know what to think of this situation, probably because I decided after she walked out of the clubhouse bedroom, thinking she’d been nothing more than a toy, that I had to fix what I’d broken in her. I couldn’t do that until I healed from the loss of Lana.
I wave to Boomer as he starts to back away, and when he frowns at Ali’s back, I know I have more than just one relationship to repair. I can work on building up a brotherhood between that man and me on this next mission, but with Ali right in front of me, I can’t focus on anything else.
“Did you change your mind about me being here?” she asks, making me realize I’m blocking the way into the house.
I can tell by the inquisitive look in her eyes that she’s asking about more than just staying here while I’m gone.
Yes would mean I’m still holding on to my past and my late wife and the misery that accompanies that decision. No would mean that I’m ready to move forward and that I’m truly healed.
“No, crap, sorry,” I rush out, stepping to the side so she can enter. “Aria is already asleep. I was thinking you’d changed your mind.”
I feel like my lungs expand fully for the first time in as long as I can remember. I nearly cough on the intake because I haven’t been able to breathe as deeply for a very long time.
The sun is already down, and although I didn’t specify a time to be here, it’s not lost on me that she waited until nearly bedtime to arrive.
I want to jump right in. I want to profess all the things I feel for her, but I know I can’t do that. As far as she knows, I’ve forgotten all about her, that I’ve moved on in a way that doesn’t include her. I knew she thought that the second I mentioned a date earlier. She was shocked that I’d even suggest such a thing.
Shoving down the idea that she isn’t interested, I follow her into the house.
Fear engulfs me when she pushes open the door to the guest bedroom to stow her things.
“In here,” I tell her, gently holding her elbow to redirect her to my bedroom. “Landon will be here first thing in the morning.”
She pauses in the doorway, either wanting to argue about where she’ll sleep tonight or taking in the new sight of the bedroom.
It’s more masculine, the walls painted a darker color, the bed covered with a slate-gray comforter. There isn’t a throw pillow in sight. Taking back this space was the first thing I did to help with moving on from Lana. Tears were shed, but in the end, I felt lighter once it was transformed. In a sense, I felt transformed too.
I decided weeks ago that I could miss her. I knew fighting that would be a losing battle, but I also knew I had to let go of whatever future I had imagined with her because wishing things were different would never make them so.