Rolling up my sleeves, I grab a washcloth and lather it with soap. She flinches when I touch her legs, and I hold my hands out to silently let her know I’m not going to hurt her. She’s hesitant but eventually allows me to work. I did this to her, so the least I can do is try to make it better.
Neither of us speaks for several minutes. It’s only the sound of the water as the tub continues to fill. Once she’s nearly submerged and the soap has dissipated into the bath, I shut off the faucet and re-lather the cloth.
I move on to her back, and she helps me by sitting up. Siân holds on to the edge of the tub for balance, and something tells me it’s so that she doesn’t have to hold on to me. Can I blame her? No, but that doesn’t mean I like it. Before she knew who I was, she flocked to me for safety and comfort despite me being the person who made her feel threatened in the first place. I miss that.
Not the façade, no, I hated being someone I wasn’t, but being the person she came to became my favorite part of this charade. Though it was all an act, it was a side of me I was sure I wasn’t capable of. I softened—for her. Feelings that I had as we lay together in my loft return, and I realize I feel the same. With her, I feel everything, not just anger and darkness but maybe even a little kindness. Remorse is high up on that list right now, whereas, in the past, I would revel in the discomfort I’ve caused.
Finally, she makes eye contact with me as she settles back into the tub. “Why are you being nice to me?”
I stare at her while lifting her leg and washing her feet, then her ankles, and finally her legs. We simultaneously stare at the bruises on the inside of her thigh, and for a moment, a lump forms in my throat. I take care in washing her there, massaging the soreness away.
“Because I care for you?” I admit.
She huffs and tilts her head. “Funny way of showing it.”
“I never said being with me would be easy.”
“You never said anything about kidnapping me either. Nothing about stalking and tormenting and certainly nothing about violating me.”
“You’re right.” What’s the point in deflecting? I’ve done all those things and more, and I want to feel bad about them, but that’s hard for me. I don’t like the aftermath but feel the way others do.
“Then why are you doing this? Why won’t you let me go?” Her voice cracks and a numbness works its way through my body.
“I want your love.”
Her eyes widen at my confession. “Love? This isn’t what you do to a person you love or want to love.”
I don’t speak. All I can do is look at her as she rages out.
“What is wrong with you?”
I peer down into the tub while softly lowering her leg and reaching for the other. She jerks away, pulling her legs to her chest.
“Stop it. Stop trying to take care of me when you’re the reason I’m hurting in the first place.”
Settling back on the heels of my boots, I pinch my lips tight, allowing her to have this moment. She needs it, and it’s the least I can do. It’s what I’ve been trying to get out of her since I ran into her at the coffee shop. For far too long, she’s hidden and not spoken up for herself, and the darkest parts of me knew I would be the one to bring this out of her.
“Do you think this makes it all better? You’ve killed people, Christian. You’ve taken Cynthia and are forcing me to marry you. Washing away your betrayal changes nothing.”
“I know.”
“Then fix it.” She pauses for a beat with her hands on either side of the tub. “Let me go home.”
That causes me to snap—that word—home. Springing to my feet, I toss the washcloth into the water, and she flinches from the droplets that splash her face.
“This is your home,” I bark.
“It’s not,” she combats.
I lunge forward, balancing myself on the edge of the tub so that my mouth is only inches from hers. “It is. This is where you belong, and you will be my wife.”
“And are you ready for me to hate you forever, then?” She shrugs. “Because that is what’s going to happen. Love isn’t this, Christian. It’s gentle, it’s patient, it’s—safe.”
Without putting any space between us, I peer into her eyes and her into mine. “Then teach me.”
Siân frowns and cranes her neck to get a better look at me. “What?”
I drop my gaze, my breathing hasty. “Teach me how to be gentle. How to love you?”