Nate’s hands curled into fists. He wanted to hit something. Anything. But it was in the middle of the goddamned night here in Boston and any sudden movement was sure to wake Riley or Kirsten up.
He wasn’t quite sure what the hell had just happened. There’d been something in Ally’s tone that had reminded him of Stephanie. Something about the way she’d said ‘us’ that had put him on edge. As if she was trying to make him choose again. Between the woman he’d desired and the daughter he’d promised to always take care of.
It was a no-brainer. And Ally should know that.
He shook his head, still not able to understand how the conversation had gotten so messed up so quickly. But his brain couldn’t focus on it no matter how hard he tried. No big surprise, really – it was after three in the morning here in Boston. California seemed like more than half a world away. Those nights with Ally seemed like a hazy dream.
And his actions like a nightmare.
He dropped his head into his hands and leaned back on the couch. Kirsten had made it up, tucking a crisp white sheet over the cushions, putting two plump pillows on the armrest. On top there was a thick red comforter, enough to block out the chill of the Boston night.
All he could think about was the previous night. How connected they’d been, how he’d held her and felt so much warmth, not just from her skin but from being with her. The memory of the break in her voice as he told her there was no ‘us’ made him feel sick. His heart ached at the thought of her all alone in his house, thinking he didn’t care.
The problem was he cared too much. He was in danger of losing his daughter because of it. He couldn’t let it happen. While they’d been talking on the phone it had felt like that conversation with Stephanie all over again. She wanted to talk about their relationship while all he could think about was losing his daughter.
Yeah, but she isn’t Stephanie, is she? She’s never once asked you to choose between her and Riley. They love each other, any fool could see that.
There was a truth to that voice in his head that made him want to punch something. His chest felt as though it was being torn in two. He’d messed up and he kept making it worse. And he had no idea what to do next.
What the hell had he done?
Should he call her back? He looked at his phone, at the time reflecting on the screen. It was so late it wasn’t funny. More importantly, he was beyond tired. Beyond exhausted. It was as though his body was running on fumes, each part of him slowly breaking down until he was going to stop all together. The entire apartment was silent, save for the creaking of the old pipes and the loud insistent beat of his heart. He cleared his throat just to hear some noise.
If he called her back he’d probably make it worse. His brain wasn’t working properly, that much was clear. No matter how he looked at things he had no idea how to make both his daughter and the woman he cared for happy. He needed to get Riley home and safe, and then he could work things out. Find a way forward from this mess he’d found himself in.
A mess of his own damn creation.
Ally was different, that little voice he hated so much whispered from deep inside his mind. She was kind and funny and for some reason she liked you. You’re a dipshit, Nate Crawford.
The truth of those words made him hate himself a little bit more.
He’d dug himself a hole so deep he wasn’t sure how to climb out of it. And in doing so, he might have lost the best thing that had ever happened to him.
27
When Ally walked into her apartment building it felt completely wrong. Though it had only been a few weeks since Ally was last there, everything felt so much smaller. As she made her way into the elevator, Ember and Lucas following close behind, Ally had to swallow down the feelings of panic that threatened to envelope her.
Was it possible to develop claustrophobia over the course of a few days? Because right now it was all she could do to keep herself breathing.
“Are you okay?” Ember asked, tipping her head to the side. “You look ill.”
“I’m fine.” Ally nodded as though that would convince her friend. “Or I will be as soon as the elevator takes us to my floor. I don’t trust this new part they installed yet.”
Lucas smiled. “I checked the maintenance log. It’s all good.”
Ember rubbed his arm. “My hero.” She glanced at Ally. “I knew having a firefighter around would come in handy.”
“Is that the only reason you keep me around?” He lifted an eyebrow. Ally watched as the two of them stared at each other, their eyes filled with love. It made her heart ache.
“That and the fact you’re great at carrying bags,” Ember told him, glancing down at Ally’s suitcases. There were only three of them. It didn’t seem a lot to show for the past few weeks, but then Ally was carrying most of the baggage inside of herself.
She wasn’t quite ready to unpack those dark thoughts yet, however heavy they felt.
The elevator pinged when they reached the fifth floor. After a pause that made her hold her breath, the doors slowly slid open, revealing the hallway that led to her apartment. It was darker than she remembered – the interior lit by dim spotlights. Such a contrast to the light-filled beach house she’d just left.
There was a musty smell inside her apartment that would disappear with the opening of a few windows. Unopened lett
ers were scattered across the wooden floor – no doubt pushed under the door by some of her neighbors; their mail was always getting mixed up. But apart from that everything looked the same way it had a few weeks ago. Before she’d been butt-dialed by Riley and ran out of the door. Maybe if she sat down in her living room and closed her eyes for a moment, she could pretend that it had never happened.