28
“Is everything okay?” Deenie asked Caitie as she walked back into the kitchen. Her mom was making Eggnog, stirring the milk and cloves together in a pan. She added the yolks and sugar, mixing them all with a wooden spoon. “You were out there for a while after Breck left.”
“Yeah.” Caitie sank into one of the kitchen stools. After he’d gone, she’d sat on one of the garden chairs and stared aimlessly out at the sky, her mind full of thoughts. “It’s been a long day.”
“He didn’t seem very happy after you spoke.” Deenie glanced up from the stove. “Are you still mad at him for missing yesterday? It wasn’t his fault. He couldn’t help getting sick.” Her brow creased as she took in Caitie’s sad expression. Realization crossed her face, like the sun coming out from behind a cloud. “Oh, honey, he wasn’t sick at all, was he?”
“He was,” Caitie said, her voice cracking. “But there’s more to it than that.”
Deenie clicked the stovetop off, and pulled the pan away, letting it cool. She pulled out the stool next to Caitie, sliding into it. “Want to talk about it?”
Did she? Caitie wasn’t sure. But she knew not talking about it was the route to disaster. Breck’s confession had shown her that much.
“I’m in love with him.”
“Of course you are,” Deenie said, matter of factly. “You always were. Even as a kid your face would shine brighter whenever he was around. After he left it was like somebody had snuffed your light out. I worried about you for the longest time.” She grabbed Caitie’s hand. “Is he in love with you, too?”
“He told me he was.”
“So why are you so sad?”
“Because it isn’t enough.” She felt like she was stabbing herself with an ice pick at her confession. “He couldn’t cope with it. He walked away, Mom. He hurt me and I don’t know what to do with that.”
“Does he regret it?” Deenie asked.
“He says he does. That he loves me and wants to make it up to me.”
“One of the hardest lessons we’ll ever learn in life is that the people we love are fallible. One of the most painful lessons, too. When you fall in love, you think everything’s going to click into place. That it will be like it is in the movies, and somehow you’ll spend the rest of your life walking into that mythical sunset. The first time you hit a barrier, it’s as though somebody’s rewriting all those fairy tales that introduced you to romance and love. And, Caitie, it hurts like hell. No wonder you’re knocked down.”
Caitie’s interest was piqued. “You and Dad had problems?”
“I don’t know a couple that hasn’t. Nobody’s perfect, honey. We all make mistakes. We all hurt the ones we love. The only difference between the couples who succeed and the ones who don’t is communication and empathy. Being honest and open. Owning up to our mistakes. Now I don’t know what Brecken said to you out there, but whatever it was I can see how much it affected you. Opening up their hearts isn’t an easy thing for men to do. I know how scared you are of being hurt, and I can’t promise you never will be, but I can tell you that unless you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you’ll never experience the beauty love can bring.”
Her mother’s words – as heartfelt and wise as they were – knocked Caitie back. Her mind flitted to the way he’d looked on the deck, the softness of his expression, the sadness in his eyes. She’d never seen him so defenseless before.
Breck exposed himself to her – faults and all. He showed her all he had been hiding behind. Everything he had struggled with. That’s when it hit her. She was doing the exact same thing as he’d been doing. Hiding her feelings and pain from her mom as Breck had hid his from her. A wave of shame washed over her.
“I’m not perfect either,” she confessed.
“I’ve known that since I tried to potty train you.” Deenie flashed her a reassuring smile. “I love you the way you are. You never have to be anything other than real to me.”
“After the accident… the one on the beach… I, uh, I never really recovered.” Caitie found herself stuttering out the words. “I haven’t been able to stand the sight of water since I nearly drowned. I get panic attacks whenever I’m near the beach. I’ve started working on it, Mom. I’ve found a behavioral therapist.”
Deenie squeezed her hand tighter. “Oh honey. I wish you’d told me about it. I knew there was something that upset you, something that kept you away all these years. I should have said something about it. I could have helped you.”
Caitie shook her head. “I was the best liar. Even if you’d asked I would have denied there was anything wrong.”
“What made you decide to do something about it?”
“Breck did.” Those two simple words made her insides ache. The memory of his tenderness as she tried to face her fears took her breath away. She could almost feel his soft hands on her, soothing her body, making her ache for him from the inside out.
“He’s a good man.”
“He is.” So good he made her heart hurt.
“You should go back to bed. You look beat. Try to get some sleep. Tomorrow’s another day. You can worry about all of this then. I have the distinct impression we’ll be having a visitor, even though he hates Christmas.”
“He said he would call.” For the first time in days, she thought she might even answer. She wanted to hear what he had to say. “You’re right. I’ll head off now. See you in the morning, Mom.”