“It means I’ll always remember this time we’ve had together. When you showed me that life doesn’t have to be about standing still. It’s about opening up to all the possibilities.”
His words took the breath from her lungs. For a moment, she had no idea what to say. Jackson wasn’t one for talking, especially not deeply. In the days she’d spent with him, she’d learned more from his silences than his sentences.
“That’s beautiful.” Her voice cracked. “I guess that’s what my mom taught me. Never to settle for anything less than what your soul needs.”
The glance he shot her was dark, making her body ache. Her soul needed him, she knew that now. It needed his smile, his voice, his touch. Needed to know he cared about her as much as she cared about him.
But she couldn’t have that. And that hurt.
“What does your soul need?” he asked her, his finger tracing her cherry blossom tattoo.
You.
She didn’t say it, though. And that made her feel like a fraud. But there was no possibility of having him. Not when she had to travel and he had to stay here.
“It needs air, and people, and laughter. To hear the ocean crash against the shore and birds chirping in the trees. It wants happiness, not just mine but everybody’s.” She smiled as he hooked his hand around her upper thigh and pulled it over his. “I guess it needs to see the good in the world.” Lydia blew out a mouthful of air. “What does yours need?” she asked softly.
His brows dipped as he thought about her words. “I guess it needs security,” he told her. “The knowledge that everything is going to be okay. That I’m not the little kid who sat and stared at the door, waiting for his mom to come see him.” He swallowed hard, as though the words were making him ache. “I just want things to be easy, you know? For people to be happy, and not to get hurt.” A ghost of a smile crossed his lips. “I guess it’s pretty far away from what your soul needs.”
“Not really.” She shook her head. “You want happiness the same way I do. But I guess I go out and seek it in other places, while you’re trying to create it here.” She felt like he was showing her a part of himself nobody else could see. A secret that they’d always share, no matter where they were in the world. And it touched her soul.
“Tell me about your mom,” she said, her voice low. “How old were you when she left?”
Jackson pulled her against his chest, his biceps flexing against her upper arms. She could feel the tension in his body at the mention of his mom. Damn, that woman must have done a number on him.
Pressing his lips against her hair, Jackson took a deep breath. “She left when I was ten. I guess I should have seen it coming. She was never the kind of mom who baked cookies or helped out in class. Dad and her, they argued like crazy all the time. But I guess I thought it was normal. That everybody’s parents threw things at each other and screamed like animals on a Saturday night when they’d drunk too much. But that wasn’t all she was. She was fun, too. She’d wake me up in the middle of the night and drive us to look out point because the moon was full and looking pretty. Or she’d turn up at school and take me out for the afternoon, telling my teacher I had a doctor’s appointment when really we’d go to the movies or a theme park, just because she was bored.”
“Those trips must have been fun,” Lydia said, lifting her head to look at him.
He raised an eyebrow. “Yeah, but when we’d get home she and dad would have a massive argument about taking me out of school, or disappearing without telling him. Once she took me camping for three days without notice and he was on the verge of calling the police.”
Lydia ran her tongue across her lips. “Why did she leave?”
He kissed her shoulder, sending a delicious shiver through her. “I don’t know. I guess she’d gotten bored of being a wife and mom. It never really suited her. She’s a free spirit. Never likes staying anywhere, or with anybody, for too long. If she hadn’t had me, I don’t think she and dad would have lasted very long”
“Did you see her much after she left?”
A ghost of a smile passed his lips. “Not really. She’d drop in on a whim and ask to see me, then drive Dad crazy because I’d miss school or scouts or something else that was important to him. She’d make promises about taking me to Disney Land and never show. I think those were the worst days.” His eyes were cloudy as he looked at her. “I’d sit and wait at the door with my bag, positive she’d turn up. Looking back, it must have killed my dad to watch me with so much hope in my heart.”
“I’m so sorry.”
He nodded. “Thank you, but you don’t need to be. It isn’t your fault.”
Didn’t stop her from feeling bad. Wasn’t she the same as his mom, flying in and out of his life, leaving a trail of devastation in her wake?
“Was it her who called you today?” she asked him, curious about the so called work conversation he’d had out on the beach. When she’d carried the coffees out to him, he’d had the same expression on his face as the time his mom had called when they were at the mall. A mixture of little-boy-lost and grown-man-angry.
“Yeah. She needs help with her car. God knows what’s wrong with it. I told her we could discuss it over the weekend.” He sighed. “There’s always something. Last week it was her water heater, this week her car. Next week it’ll be something else. Then she’ll disappear for a while until she needs something again.”
“Why do you still talk to her if she drives you crazy?”
He pulled his lip between his teeth. “I don’t know. I guess because she’s my mom. And if I don’t talk to her, she calls my dad and I hate the way he always gives in to her. It’s like he’s still in love with her after all this time.” He sounded almost lost.
“That’s sad.” Lydia gave him a soft smile. “But it’s not your problem.”
“It doesn’t always feel that way.”
There was one question still lingering on her tongue. Somehow she found the guts to ask it. “I heard a few people talk about Hayley and your engagement ending. That must have hurt.”