It was after ten o’clock when she surfaced, slowly walking down the stairs. I’m sure she thought I was long gone. But, from the look on her face when she hit the bottom step and spotted me in the kitchen, I think she wished I wasn’t here.
Her eyes were puffy. Had she been crying?
“Morning,” I greeted.
She walked over to the coffee machine, put a cup under, and pressed the button.
“I thought you’d be gone,” she blankly stated.
“Sorry to disappoint you.”
The air in the room was heavy. She reared up against the corner of the kitchen cabinets, her face strained. “Tell me something, Barrett.”
“Shoot.”
“Have you ever loved someone?”
What the fuck.“Of course.”
“Other than family.”
Fuck.
“Thought so. Why is that?”
I shook my head. Because I’m a monster and don’t deserve love.
“I’m an asshole. I told you that.”
She took her coffee from underneath the coffee machine and put the cup to her lips.
“You're right. You’re the one who’s been absolutely truthful and upfront.”
She slammed the coffee down so hard it left a scratch on the counter. “But you say you’re an asshole, then you kiss me as if you want me all to yourself, organize picnics, and rub lotion on me like you care. You even stood up to Connor when no one stands up to my brother. All those things don’t add up to being an asshole.”
Heat slashed my neck. I hadn’t even realized I’d done all those things until just then.
She looked at me. “This has been fun. We have been fun. But I want more.”
“Last night, you said we were done.”
“We are unless you can give me what I deserve.”
“And what is that?”
“Love.”
I swallowed. Every muscle tensed at her honesty. “I can’t give you that, Lourde.”
“Why?” Her voice was quiet.
“It doesn’t matter why.”
“It does to me.”
Her voice trembled, and something inside of me broke, but I had to steady myself. I couldn’t be the man she deserved.
“Because I don’t love you.” Suddenly, my ribs felt too tight, pulling inward and sucking the air from my lungs.
She blinked back tears and pushed away her coffee, her hand trembling. “I see.” She turned and walked to the stairs, picking up her packed bag I hadn’t noticed. “Well, goodbye, Barrett.”
I let her walk away.
Watching her as she walked down the hallway and opened the door to the waiting car, she didn’t look back. I felt like I'd been sucker-punched in the ribs, and I didn’t fucking understand it.