Playboy Pilot

“It was an odd mix of anger and relief—relief because it absolved me of any responsibility in a situation I never chose, but anger because of all that I’d lost as a result. Things I can never get back.”

The woman I’d never get back.

The family I’d never get back.

The life I’d never get back.

“What has your life been like since finding out the truth?”

“It hasn’t changed much, to be honest. Working as many hours as I can. Going through the motions. What I’ve always done.”

“You use your job as a means to hide from your demons. First it was Lucy. Now it’s Kendall.”

I raised my voice in defense. “What do you suggest I do?”

Aren’t I paying you to tell me what the fuck to do?

“Until you know what’s become of Kendall, you won’t find that inner peace. Coming here was a good first step, but there is nothing I can do to keep this from haunting you.”

“I told you. I tried to contact her. I don’t know where she is.”

“You said you have a potential address in Texas. Why not go there, see if you can find out what’s happening in her life?”

I couldn’t bring myself to respond, even though I knew the truth; I was scared shitless. Scared of what she’d been through, scared of upsetting her, scared of the unknown. One thing was for certain; if I knew she wanted to see me, I would be there in a heartbeat.

THE THERAPY SESSION had left me drained. Instead of feeling better, it felt like the floodgates guarding my sanity had burst open.

That night, back at my condo in Boca, I was hanging up my uniforms that I’d picked up from the dry cleaner when my eyes landed on white fur at the back corner of my closet. It was exactly where I’d tossed it away months ago.

I’d bought a teddy bear in Venezuela and planned to give it to Kendall if she’d taken me up on my offer. I took the bear and stared at it as I sat on the edge of my bed.

“I should have tossed you in the trash. Then, I wouldn’t have to look at you right now.”

Great. Now, I was talking to inanimate objects.

“What do you think? Should I go to Texas? Try to find her?”

You’re fucking nuts, Carter.

“What do I have to lose? I’ve lost everything, right?”

Bringing the bear closer to my face, I said, “I’m letting you make the decision. If you continue to remain silent, I’m going to assume that you don’t object.”

I placed it on top of my dresser and stood back, crossing my arms and still staring at it.

“Speak now or forever hold your peace,” I said before lying on my bed and opening my laptop.

With three days off before I was due to fly to Rio, I used my miles and booked a flight to DFW Airport.

Turning to the chest of drawers, I pointed to the stuffed animal. “If this blows up in my face, I’m blaming you.”

THE SPRAWLING RANCH was at least eight acres. There were a few horses grazing, but it seemed pretty desolate and unkempt given the size of the property.

The infamous Sparks Ranch.

I’d always wanted to see where Kendall grew up; I just didn’t expect to be visiting this place without her.

A blonde woman who looked like she might’ve been beautiful twenty years ago opened the door. She had a cigarette hanging from her mouth and smelled like booze. “Can I help you?”