“Thank you. I’ll know he’ll be all right as long as he’s with you.”
Cale and I say a reluctant goodbye to his parents. There’s a half-hearted suggestion that we stay the night, but no one wants to remain in Cardiff where Bernard Sharrock’s presence will be like a dark presence hanging over us.
It’s a long, cold and silent journey back north. Cale answers my questions in monosyllables. He says he’s not hungry, and when I put coffee and food in front of him, he ignores it.
I watch him silently, a hundred questions crowding in my throat. I only know what his parents told him, and what I read in the papers about the case. Did Sharrock change his mind at the last moment, or was he never going to plead guilty? And if he changed his mind, why? I rack my brains, trying to remember exactly what Cale told me about Sharrock’s confession. Whether it became a proper signed confession, or merely a whisper to a cellmate who was really an undercover cop. Did we all assume too much?
Every time I open my mouth to ask Cale, I see the hollow, black expression in his eyes, and close my mouth again. The Hearns believed with all their hearts that Sharrock was going to confess to what he did to Mirrie today. Somewhere along the way, something went horribly wrong.
Back at the circus that evening, we’re greeted excitedly as we walk into the campsite. It only takes a glance at Cale’s face for everyone to realize it didn’t go well. He heads into his wagon and shuts the door behind him without speaking to anyone. Everyone looks at me.
I sit down by the fire and wrap my arms around my knees, hoping desperately that I’m left alone. I don’t know what to say. All I want is to make Cale feel better, and I don’t know how.
Elke and Anouk sit on each side of me, and they put their arms around me. They don’t speak, and I’m so grateful for their quiet presence. I stare into the flickering flames, hoping to hear the sound of Cale’s wagon door opening and see his booted feet in front of me. Half an hour must pass, but he doesn’t emerge.
Finally, I sit up and look at my friends. “It didn’t go well.”
Elke grimaces. “Yeah, we guessed. What happened?”
I tell them about Mr. and Mrs. Hearn and their hopeful faces. Bernard Sharrock and what he looked like. The courtroom full of important people. The grisly charges that were read out and how Sharrock pleaded guilty to every single one. Until suddenly he didn’t.
“Why did he change his mind?” Anouk asks.
I shrug helplessly, staring into the firelight. “I don’t know. Maybe he never intended to plead guilty to Mirrie’s murder. Maybe his lawyer told him there was a chance he could get off if it went to trial.”
Elke shakes her head. “But what would be the point if he’s admitting to the other crimes? Surely he’ll be put away for the rest of his life for those anyway.”
“I’ve asked myself that, too, and I don’t have the answer.”
“Maybe he actually didn’t do it?” Anouk suggests hesitantly.
“Maybe.”
Some of the others have listened in, and express sadness and frustration for Cale. I don’t know what’s going to happen in the days and weeks ahead, but we’re all here for him. We need our ringmaster.
Elke makes me eat something and then puts me to bed, tucking me in in a motherly fashion. I smile wanly up at her, unable to remember my parents ever doing this for me. I suppose my mother must have, at some point.
“Thank you. I feel like you guys are more my family than my real family ever was.” I look between her and Anouk, and tears fill my eyes. I cover my face and sob into my hands, the exhaustion and emotion of the day overwhelming me.
I feel them both sit down on my bed and put their hands on my shoulders. I get my breath back and wipe my eyes. “I’m just so afraid something is going to happen and I’ll lose you all. You two and Cale. You’re all I have in the world and I love you all so much.”
Elke puts a cool, soothing hand on my brow and brushes my hair back. “Hey. We’re not going anywhere. Neither is Cale.”
Anouk passes me a handkerchief and I mop my face. “One bad thing happening doesn’t mean it’s all going to fall apart. We’ll get through this, together.”
I can handle one bad thing. Its bad things happening one after another after another that I’m afraid of.
In the morning, I sit by the fire drinking coffee, huddled in my jacket and pretending not to watch the door of Cale’s wagon. He’s not with the horses. I already checked. Everyone’s restless and uncertain, because today we’re meant to be moving on. Without Cale, our leader, we don’t know whether we should pack up or even which road we’ll be taking. He’s our captain, navigator and ringmaster, all rolled into one man. If he fails, we all fail.
Finally, Gorran goes up the steps and knocks on Cale’s door. I watch, a sick feeling churning in my belly. The door opens—and I don’t know what I expected to see, but my heart misses a beat and then starts thumping gratefully. Cale comes down the steps, looking more or less like he always has. Maybe a little paler and more tired than usual, but not beaten. Not giving up. He and Gorran speak together for several minutes, and then Cale makes his way across the camp and stops in front of me.
He holds his hands out, and I reach up and let him help me to my feet. His eyes are bleak, but with less of the mindless, hollow expression they had yesterday.
“I’m so sorry. I left it all up to you yesterday to get us home, and I didn’t even say thank you.”
I throw my arms around his neck and hug him close. “You don’t have anything to be sorry for,” I whisper fiercely into his neck, relieved that he sounds just the same and feels just the same. “I just wish I could do more. I don’t know how to help you. Please tell me.”
He holds me hard, and I feel his warm breath stirring my hair. Then he pulls back and cups my face in his hands, staring deep into my eyes. I’m caught within their brown depths, my heart hammering in my throat.