“I wanted you to fall in love with me because I’m in love with you.”
Raina closed her eyes. “Steven admitted that he’s been making things difficult for you. Did you marry me just to get back at him?” The quiet despair in her voice sliced his emotions in half.
“Oh, no. Raina. I’ve been in love with you all along and that never changed. I don’t care what Steven said. You know what we have is real.”
She stared up at him from tear-filled eyes. “No, I don’t. That’s the problem. I just don’t know what’s real anymore. I don’t know anything at all.”
That was when Nick got angry. It was utter bullshit that she’d believe her ex over his word. “You just told me you love me and now just ten minutes later, you’re suddenly not sure? Raina, don’t you see? You’re just afraid. But you don’t have to be.”
“I do. I was afraid and it turns out I had good reason to be. This whole time I thought you were doing all this stuff for me but it’s really been some macho pissing contest between you and Steven.” She pulled the thin blanket higher on her chest, almost as if it could shield her from him. “You’re like two toddlers fighting over a toy. A toy that neither of you actually even wants.”
“That’s not true, Raina.” Nick wondered how they’d gone from her declaring her love to accusing him of using her. “Whenever I get anywhere close to touching your heart, you pull away from me. I’ve done everything I can to show you how I feel. There’s a point where you just can’t do any more without losing yourself. I love you, Raina, but you don’t make it easy.”
Raina let out a sob. “You think this is easy for me? I want so much to believe you. But I’ve seen you in action before. You’re so used to doing whatever you want to bend the world to your will. When was the last time you did something with no ulterior motive? Something with no benefit to you?”
It hurt Nick more than he’d thought possible that he couldn’t think of even one example for her.
“I hate that this is hur
ting you, sweetheart. I can’t stand to see you cry. I’ve always only wanted you to be happy. I would never knowingly cause you harm.”
“I know you never mean any harm, Nick. But sometimes even when you don’t mean for it to happen, people get hurt. This hurts,” she cried.
He tried to approach her bed but as soon as he did, she started crying harder. “I just can’t believe it. I just can’t.” The monitor attached to her arm started going crazy.
A nurse came in a few minutes later. “What happened in here? She was doing so much better.”
“I can’t. I just can’t,” Raina cried. She kept saying it over and over until the nurse looked up at him in alarm.
There was nothing left for him to do but leave.
* * * * *
NICK PACED BACK and forth in the corridor outside Raina’s room. His shoes made little squeaking sounds on the linoleum floor. Everything Raina had just said felt like it was replaying in his head.
Hadn’t he thought many times over the past month that he should confide in Raina about his problems? She was a great listener and was great at coming up with creative solutions to problems. He certainly didn’t doubt her intelligence. She was quite well versed in geography and world affairs due to all her traveling. If he’d confided in her, she’d have probably been able to help.
It had been his pride, his stupid pride, that had kept him from telling her. He hadn’t wanted to admit that the whiz kid might have made a mistake. He never wanted her to think less of him or have her faith in him tarnished.
Now, her faith in him had been completely shattered.
He’d known that his complicated past with her ex was going to come back and bite him in the ass. He should have told her everything himself before Steven had a chance to put his twisted spin on things. But he hadn’t wanted to take a chance on pushing her away when they’d finally started to get closer. He’d let his fear override his common sense. Now it was too late.
Even though he wanted to be pissed at Silvestre, he ultimately was just pissed at himself. There were so many ways he could have handled the conversation that didn’t include telling her she was difficult to love.
When he looked up, the nurse was just leaving Raina’s room.
“How is she?”
The nurse gave him a sympathetic look. “She’s resting comfortably now. The doctor is on his way. He’s going to explain her treatment to you.”
Nick backed up so she could pass. “Thank you.”
“Nick! What are you doing out here in the hall?” Ridley stood behind him, holding a small cup of coffee and a bag of potato chips.
“We had a fight. I upset her.” He blew out a long breath. “I don’t know what happened. We were talking and then her monitor started going off. The nurse had to come in.”
Ridley didn’t say anything, just handed him the cup of coffee. She disappeared into Raina’s room. When she came back out, she didn’t meet his eyes. “She’s sleeping now.”