Say You Will (The Alexanders 5)

“Mara, please …” He could hear the pleading in his own voice. Begging wasn’t like him but he’d do anything not to have to tell her this.

“Oh god,” she managed to get out over her choked sobs. “That’s it, isn’t it? Meeting you wasn’t a coincidence at all.”

“No, it wasn’t.”

Her face fell and it hit him then that she’d been hoping he would deny it so they could go back to pretending things were fine. But he couldn’t lie to her anymore.

“Tell me. Tell me what you did,” she demanded.

“I saw you and it was like a dream.” He thought back to that day on campus that seemed so long ago now. He’d been touring the campuses of several colleges in Virginia. He’d only stopped in Norfolk because of the campus’ proximity to the beach. He’d been young enough to think that his college experience should be filled with days surfing and nights with beach bunnies.

Then he’d seen her walking across the pavilion.

“I followed you that day. Watched you go in to the registrar’s office. I couldn’t take my eyes off you.”

She closed her eyes. “I remember. I was so flattered. You seemed so different from the other guys who hit on me. It was like you were listening to every word I said and savoring them for later.”

He had been, he thought. Every word, every breath she’d taken had been like a miracle. He’d wanted to absorb everything about her.

“It was like seeing a ghost. I thought I was being punished.” Trent’s head fell forward and his hands massaged the side of his temples.

Mara shifted, turning so she could see his face. “Why would you think you were being punished?”

“Because of the way things ended. She killed herself right after we fought and I couldn’t help but ask myself if her state of mind at the end somehow led to what she did. I’d been dreaming about her for months, about the way she looked at the end, all bloody and cold.”

“So you followed me?”

“I did. I followed you for the rest of the day. I saw you go into Matt’s dormitory and when I saw you together, I was overcome. I thought he was your boyfriend. I went back to the registrar and paid the woman behind the counter a thousand dollars in cash to let me peek at the file of the boy in Room 27B. Then when I saw his name and realized that you were related, I paid her again to arrange a clerical error that would put me in that same room.”

“And then you showed up in Matt’s room the next day and we met again. Matt never knew that we’d met already. I never told him,” she admitted quietly.

“I never did either. I wasn’t planning to do anything other than watch over you. I used to follow you when you went out on dates to make sure you got home safely. I left money in your room for you to find when I knew you were short before payday. I just wanted to take care of you.”

“No, Trent. You were trying to take care of her.” Mara put a shaky hand over her heart, crying in earnest now. “You were imagining that I was her. Were you thinking of her every time you held me? When you kissed me for the first time?”

Trent reached out for her but she moved away. “No, that’s not how it was at all. I wish I could just explain.”

“There’s no way to explain this, Trent. This whole thing is sick. You were imagining someone else when you were with me. Tell me the truth. All those times when you were following me and helping me, it was because you were pretending I was her, wasn’t it?”

He wanted so badly to deny it. But he could tell that she knew by the look of disgust on her face. His secret shame was revealed, the one thing he’d never wanted her to know.

“Yes,” he whispered.

Even though she’d demanded to know the answer, her chest crumpled over like she’d been punched. She breathed in and out through her mouth, so fast he worried she was hyperventilating.

“You were thinking about her when you were with me. Were you thinking about her when you made love to me?”

It was twisting him up, telling her these things that he knew would hurt her. Especially having her look at him like this, like he was someone that she didn’t even know. Although he deserved it, it still hurt like hell.

“Mara, that’s not how it was. I’ve known you for years. By the time we … by that time, I hadn’t thought about Tia in a long time. After that, all I saw was you. You are the one I’m in love with. I blocked out that part of my life completely.”

“But you didn’t. It’s still a part of you. She’s still a part of you.”

He stood, his muscles protesting. It felt like he’d been through a war. “Please, let’s just go and talk about things. You can take your bath.”

Mara shook her head violently. “No, I can’t talk to you right now. I need some space. I can’t even look at you.”

He backed away. “I’ll leave. I’ll sleep in my office tonight.” He turned back to where she still sat on the floor. “I am so incredibly sorry.”