The words flowed through his mind on a loop until he squeezed his eyes shut trying to block it out.
If he’d trusted Mara enough to tell her the truth, there was a chance that over time she might have understood. He could have shown her over the years with every glance, touch and conversation that he saw her as her own unique individual.
Now he just had to look back on it all and remember what could have been.
Chapter Twenty-One
Two months later…
LOOKING OUT OVER the city that he both loved and hated, Trent ignored the beeping sound coming from his pocket. Without even looking at it, he already knew what it was for. It was an alarm set to go off at the same time each week.
He was about to be late for an appointment.
Resting his head on the cool glass, he closed his eyes and tried to absorb the energy of the city below him. He had a busy day planned and if he missed his appointment it would throw off the rest of his schedule. He couldn’t afford any deviations from schedule. It was part of his new system of life. Everything had a place. Everything had an a
ppointed time. It kept him focused so he wouldn’t miss out on the things that mattered. He spent time with his family, on work and quiet time in meditation.
His favorite bench in Central Park seemed happy to have his company again.
A few minutes later, he was in the elevators going down to the lobby. When he approached the front door, Ernesto tipped his hat. “Have a good day, Mr. Townsend.”
“You too. I won’t be home for a while so I’ll say goodbye now.”
The older man looked a little sad at that news but not altogether surprised. Trent had surprised himself by staying in town as long as he had. A multimillion-dollar penthouse was just as lonely as any other place when the person you loved wasn’t there.
Ernesto hailed him a cab and then held the door for him. “Take care of yourself, Mr. Townsend.” When he shut the door, Trent waved to him. He gave the cabbie his destination and then closed his eyes
They pulled up to a high-rise in Midtown. He gave the cab driver a handful of bills and then climbed out. He’d long ago sent Shane home. It wasn’t fair to the other man to keep him on call when Trent was spending the majority of his time holed up in his office. This was the only recurring appointment he had. And even these were coming to an end.
He took the elevator to the eleventh floor and then entered the spacious office suite. The pert blonde behind the counter acknowledged him with a smile as he signed in. He sat in the waiting room but didn’t bother with a magazine. He looked up a few minutes later when the blonde called his name.
“Mr. Townsend? Dr. Winston will see you now.”
He stood and buttoned his suit jacket. “Thanks, Donna.”
He entered the cool interior of the office. It was always slightly dark in the room. He wasn’t sure if that was done on purpose or not. It gave the instant impression of entering some kind of cocoon from the outside world. It was cheesy but it did make him feel like he was in a safe place.
Dr. Winston was already seated behind his desk. His gray hair looked slightly darker, almost as if he’d colored it and it amused Trent to think that even his psychiatrist was prone to insecurities.
“I’m glad to see you back here, Trent.”
Trent sat in one of the leather chairs facing the desk. “You didn’t think I would come back?”
The doctor’s expression didn’t reveal anything when he replied, “Our last session was quite intense.”
Trent looked away. “It was. But I’m here. I want to talk about this. I need to talk about it.”
The doctor nodded approvingly. “That’s good. Talking about what drove you to leave New York last time can only help you. We cannot understand what you were feeling without the context.”
Trent was finally able to admit that was true. He’d been running away from more than just his father when he’d left the city seven years ago. More than just his family and more than just the pain of losing Tia. Her death hadn’t been the only thing that had hurt him. It had also been the humiliation of knowing that she hadn’t loved him back. The shame of realizing that their fight had likely contributed to her death.
Because even when you were angry with someone you loved, it didn’t negate the pain of the loss.
Dr. Winston wrote something on his notepad, the pen making a soft scratching sound as it moved over the paper. “We’ve been over your childhood and your rivalry with your brother. But last time you started to tell me more about the day after your prom. About your friend, Tia.”
His hands suddenly clammy, Trent wiped his palms on his slacks and tried to push down the vague sense of panic clawing at his insides. For years, he hadn’t talked about any of this and now he was going through every phase of that time in his life, detail by detail.
An image of Mara’s tear-ravaged face gave him the strength to sit up straighter. The only thing she’d ever asked of him was to know him. Completely. It was the one thing he’d been unable to give her because he hadn’t been ready to face certain things about himself. Even though he couldn’t have her, it was the last thing she’d asked of him. His love for her drove him to try to be the man she’d been in love with, even if it was too little too late.