“I’m starting to see what all the fuss is about having a girlfriend.”
“Now I know you’re making stuff up. There’s no way you’ve never had a girlfriend.”
“Well, yeah. Of course. But I went in the Army straight out of high school. Most of my relationships were casual. It’s hard to keep a girl happy if you’re never around.”
I’m fascinated by this side of him. Based on his behavior and well, just looking at him, I’d assumed he’d have had a string of girlfriends. Although I doubt he’s been alone. He may not have had a steady relationship but I seriously doubt he’s been living like a monk all this time.
“What about after you got out? You didn’t meet anyone then?”
He sits up, dragging the blankets with him. “I met someone but after only a few months, she called it off. Said I was too much to deal with. In hindsight I don’t blame her. You saw me last night. That’s a lot to deal with.”
“Do you do that a lot? Get into fights?”
He stretches his arms overhead, the muscles in his arms and back flexing. Looking at him like this, he’s just overwhelming. He’s like some kind of ancient warrior.
God, he’s magnificent.
“Come on. We need to get up. You need time to stop at home for fresh clothes otherwise you’ll be late to work.”
I can tell he doesn’t want to talk about it but this is too impo
rtant. I won’t let him sidetrack me. So I keep silent and wait.
He glances at me once more and then rubs a hand over his face. “When I was younger, I used to fight all the time at school. I was on the verge of being expelled when my mom got cancer the first time.”
“I didn’t realize she’d had it before. You were so young. That must have been really hard.”
“It was harder for her. That was the wakeup call I needed because I got my shit together and stopped making her life so miserable. She’s been in remission until last month. That’s when I started fighting again.”
“You’ve done that before?”
He shrugs but when he looks over his shoulder, I can see the toll the admission takes on him. “I can’t help her but I can help someone else. I can make something right in this world. I can do something that matters.”
There’s so much I want to say but I’m afraid of bungling it. I want to tell him how much he helps his mother every day. How strong he is for his brother and what an amazing friend he is, even to people who are just friends of friends like Sasha. He has this negative view of himself but he has no idea how I see him. How much he means.
“You matter, Tank Marshall. Just you. Not the stuff you do, although that’s pretty amazing. I bet if I ask your mom, your brother and your friends what kind of man you are, they’d see the same things I do. Someone with great integrity who goes out of his way to help others.”
“They’d do the same for me,” he replies.
“Because they’re your friends.” I roll over so I can look directly at him. “And they’re smart. They wouldn’t be friends with someone who wasn’t worthy. You are so worthy.”
He leans back and I pull him against me. His head rests in the crook of my arm. “I’m afraid, Emma. This thing with my mom … I’ve never been this scared of anything in my life.”
“I know. But every time you go out there and put yourself at risk, there’s a chance that you won’t make it back. Is it worth that? Think of the people you’ll be leaving behind.”
His eyes cloud and he suddenly looks far away. “My mom. My brother.”
“Me,” I whisper. “What would I do without my Tank?”
His eyes cut to mine suddenly and fix on my face with a surprising intensity. “Am I yours, Emma?”
There’s nothing I can do to hide my feelings. He has to know how twisted up I am over him. “Sometimes I feel like I don’t know what’s happening with us. But I know that when you need me, I want to help you. The idea of you fighting really scares me. I don’t want anything to take you away from me.”
He sits up and pushes my hair back. His thumb traces a gentle circle on my cheek. The way he looks at me, I’ll never get used to it.
It’s like I’m all he can see.
He drops his forehead against mine. “Nothing is going to take me away from you. I won’t let that happen. Leaving you is the last thing I ever want to do.”