When I get home, I go straight to my room and strip. Sleeping in that chair has left my neck tight and my back sore. A hot shower is probably what I need but I’m too tired to trust myself not to fall out in the shower. Rissa still hasn't arrived home and for once, I'm actually glad for the privacy.
I shake out several pills, then at the last minute shake out a few more. The pills roll around my palm making little clacking noises and I shake them gently, just to hear the sound. There's a sick sense of excitement just looking at them. I know that they're going to make me feel good.
Ashamed at the thought, I close my hand.
The past week, I’ve been dealing with the pain unmedicated. I need a break. Just a few hours without the cloud of pain. I need a few moments when things don’t have to make sense. When I can remember a time when my mom was smiling and when I didn’t have to watch her in pain.
When loving so much didn’t hurt.
Before I can think about it too hard, I toss back the handful of pills. I fill the glass on the counter with water and wash them down.
I climb into the bed and fall face forward into the pillows. Rissa will be home soon but by the time we wake up tomorrow morning, I'll be fine.
The next thing I know, there’s noise all around me. It feels like waking up in a blender.
I struggle to make my groggy limbs respond. Everything feels heavy like I have little anvils attached to my arms and legs.
When I finally get on my feet, I stumble into the hallway. Colors swirl around me and the hallways shifts and rolls beneath my feet. Why is everything moving? I just want it to be still, the way it’s supposed to be.
I look up and then I see Marissa. Just like I always dreamed standing in a field of flowers.
“You should always be surrounded by roses. If I’d had the money to, I would have bought you some everyday.”
Her eyes smile at me, dancing around her head in circles before settling above her cheeks again. “Finn, what are you talking about? Was I making too much noise? I was trying not to wake you up.”
Her words don’t make sense to me. Nothing makes sense to me anymore. The woman who has loved me all my life is sick and nothing I’ve tried has saved her. The woman I’ve hated is here in front of me and yet still out of reach. She won't tell me she loves me. She won't move in. She won't be mine.
“Why are you here? You don’t want me. You never wanted me.”
She moves closer and then suddenly she’s right in front of me. “I wanted you, Finn. I've always wanted you. That's why I'm here.”
Seeing her was just another form of torture. She was just one more person who hadn’t thought I was worth anything. The girl who left me for a man who could give her all the pretty shiny things she wanted.
“You didn't always want me. You wanted him. How did that work out for you, angel? Did he buy you whatever you wanted? Could he give you all those gifts that I couldn’t afford?”
She’s watching me with those sad eyes. Those eyes that remind me of all my flaws. It makes me angry.
“And now I’m here, rich as fuck and I can’t even enjoy it because you’re still here. I hate you and I want you. Why can’t you just get out of my head?”
The pressure behind my forehead is enormous. I press my hands on both sides of my temples and squeeze. Maybe if I push hard enough I can crush all the dark thoughts. But when I open my eyes, she’s still there. This demon that looks like the woman I loved.
“Just get out of my head!” I scream and keep going until everything goes dark.
CHAPTER TEN
RISSA
I race out of the building, ignoring John’s concerned call. Tears are streaming from my eyes so fast that I can barely see but somehow I find my way to where my car is parked on the street. With shaking fingers I hit t
he button to unlock it. Once I’m inside, I just sit there willing my heart to stop beating so fast.
I’m not even sure what just happened. Rain pounds the windshield and the sound is comforting. It feels like the rain is insulating me against the outside world. That’s what I need, something to act as a buffer until I can get my equilibrium back. Whatever that was … I think back to what just happened upstairs. I’m not even sure what to call that, a rage? I’ve never seen Finn like that before. He didn’t even look like he was in his right mind.
And the things he was saying. As bad as the raw physical violence I’d sensed in him was, the vile, mean things spilling from his lips were even worse.
Finn is the last person that I ever thought I’d have to be afraid of.
After a few minutes my pulse rate has slowed a bit so I turn on the car and pull out into the road. There’s a loud screech and then a horn blares on my left. Just like that my heart is back in my throat as I look over at the truck that almost smashed into my side.