“When we’re out together dancing cheek to cheek.”
Chapter Fifteen
Lake
Three mornings in a row, I woke up in Callum’s apartment alone. I didn’t take it personally because he had work and we still spoke normally later in the day. He still smiled and tipped my chin up to kiss my lips. Little things still bothered me slightly. I caught him looking at me several times when I turned around, and without a hint of warmth in his eye, but I forced myself to dismiss it because it likely meant nothing. Callum always had a serious look to him, even as a kid. It wasn’t till the fourth morning that I confirmed something was wrong. We were making breakfast and he’d been quiet, giving short answers to all my questions.
When he finally gave a full sentence, I wished right away that he hadn’t.
“I’m going to Scotland on Friday.”
My head snapped up. I stopped chopping the basil. “You’re – what?”
“For the Times article. They want to extend it so Oz and I are going to fly there and give Ana a tour of Dufftown and the distillery.”
“I…” My voice drifted off because I realized my question – “How long will you be there?” – was pointless. He wasn’t going to fly there for less than day and come back. I stared with pure awe at his blank expression. “You’re leaving the day before my birthday.”
“Yes.”
“You remembered that?” I would’ve preferred that he’d forgotten and made the plans by mistake. But he confirmed it wasn’t the case.
“I remember your birthday, Lake.”
My heart beat fast. I could’ve sworn there was something accusing in his tone. I remember your birthday, Lake. I’ve remembered six September Fourteenths since you left and every single one has ripped me to fucking shreds. He might not have been implying those words exactly but it was probably something similar because those words were mine. I’d spent every July Eighth for the past six years tearing myself apart. I agonized by midnight of each birthday, my mind starting with the image of Callum’s shirt splashed in champagne as he had drunk, celebratory sex. By night, I’d be tired but sleepless, wondering what changes this year had brought the boy I’d grown up loving – the boy who was now, unquestioningly, a man. I imagined how his looks, his mind, his heart had changed and I was convinced, no matter what new Callum my brain conjured up, that I’d still love him like I always did.
And that was exactly how it ended up happening, even despite what he said – that he hadn’t thought once about me after I left. It hurt but it was for his sake that I hoped he was lying. Because I’d thought about him every day in the two thousand or so that I was gone, readying my heart gradually, piece by piece for the moment I would return to him and be face to face with the pain and passion that was us. But since coming back, I still was rocked with daily guilts and regrets and memories both wretched and beautiful that stole the air straight from my lungs. Even when I’d been preparing myself for it.
If it was all coming back to Callum at once, I could only imagine that he was silently, stoically warring through the most jagged tempest of emotions.
Still, I couldn’t quite forgive him for this.
“You said we had plans for my birthday. I thought you said we were doing something special.” Hurt quivered in my voice but I could feel the anger creeping in to overwhelm it as Callum stared back at me, vacant. Unfeeling.
“Our flight had been for another day but we had to reschedule. There’s nothing I can do about it.”
He was using his business voice on me. On top of that, I knew he was lying. I was as well versed with his lies as he was with mine. But what bothered me most was the fact that he knew. He knew I knew but he didn’t so much as care to sound convincing or apologetic to lessen the blow. I was visibly wounded and he didn’t bat an eye. The attitude was nothing like the Callum I’d been living with for the past month or so and I could tell, with all the fury in my racing heart, that it was deliberate.
“What’s going on with you?” I demanded straight to the point. I kept my cool but I knew I was fighting a losing battle.
“It’s work.”
His generic answer peaked my rage. “You know you’re ignoring what I’m really asking you about, Callum. At least give me an explanation here. I understand that work happens but I’m not stupid – I know every part of you and the way you’re speaking to me right now is you making an active decision to shut me out and let me know that you’re doing it. I am not asking you why you have to go to Scotland, I’m asking you why this… this flip suddenly switched!”
“You can demand answers but I can’t?”
I dropped my knife with a clack. “That’s separate.”
“No, it’s fucking not,” Callum fumed, his enraged eyes paralyzing me from across the kitchen counter. “I tried, Lake. I did. I keep trying to get us back to where we were but it’s really hard without an answer to the six years that you were gone. I can’t fully enjoy what I have with you because I’m actively pushing away the shit that’s nagging me at the back of my head and you refuse
to free me from that prison by doing the most obvious thing in the world. You owe me an explanation at this point. I can’t overlook the impossible, Lake! Put yourself in my shoes – it would eat at you too and you know it.”
The tears spilled without warning because I did know it. I had known before even coming back that I’d be asking far too much of Callum. The realization had me thinking of Colorado, California, all these great but starkly different places from New York – cities in which I could start my life over for the last time, because I couldn’t imagine Callum accepting the terms to my homecoming. Yes, I disappeared on you and Caroline without warning and made no attempts at contact for six years but do you think you can let all that go and take me back without question because I can’t stop loving you? It sounded stupid every way I tried to put it so I looked up Denver, Boulder, San Francisco. I knew I would eventually find work, friends, some sort of love despite knowing I’d never stop comparing every man I met to Callum and my imagination of what he’d become since I’d gone. I had a flight booked to Denver International, a hotel room paid for and a job interview lined up for the following morning. I was at my gate at the airport when I went back on my decision to forget New York because I couldn’t muster up the courage to ask an impossible favor of Callum. There was no one else in the world that I’d ever love more than him. That much I knew. So I’d be shameless, audacious and downright insulting before I gave up on him without even trying.
“Tell me, Lake!” Callum’s hands were on me now. Tears were clouding my vision but I could feel the urgency in his touch as he demanded the question a thousand times. “Why won’t you tell me? Just start with that – don’t even tell me where you went, tell me why you refuse to let me know!”
“Because I promise you will never want me again if you do!” I was a mess. Done for. I needed air but when I turned away but he jerked me back.
“You know that’s a lie,” he seethed, gripping me, his blue eye smoldering. “I want you, Lake. I wanted you the second I laid eyes on you and I haven’t stopped once, not even when I fucking hated you. You should know that. You should know that well because you went away when I’d never been more in love with you in my life and now you’re back without telling me a word about where you went and I still can’t stop protecting you. I am never going to stop. You’re safe with me, Lake – you always will be – so just start slow and tell me why you won’t let me in. Tell me why you won’t give me the truth.”