The rational side of me knew it was premature, despite the fact that Holland and I had agreed to keep seeing each other. The fact of the matter was that it had only been three weeks and we had yet to even speak explicitly about what we were doing. The rational side of me knew it was best to tell Adam once things were stable. Serious.
But the other side of me—which was long-suppressed and had been steadily fighting its way back through the whirlwind that was the past three weeks of my life—told me that he could afford to know now.
Because I knew in my heart what I felt for Holland.
And I knew it was real.
It was more real than anything I knew I was capable of in my head, my heart and in every fiber of my being, and I was ready to tell him as soon as he turned back to face me.
But the moment he did, he dropped a
surprise question on me.
“So you’re still doing that bullshit, huh?”
I looked at him, my eyebrows pulling tight in confusion. “What?”
He looked serious now.
“I know you’re still seeing Camila,” he said, making my heart slam against my ribs like it was trying to break them.
I was still reeling from the lurch, feeling instantly heated as I looked at him.
“Okay,” I said slowly, trying to figure out where this was coming from. Trying to fight off the sick feeling in my stomach as I was forced to think about this right now. I flipped on my poker face as I asked, “How do you know?”
Adam took a drink of his beer, and as solemn as he was being with me right now he still managed to toss a wink across the restaurant at the waitress, who was no doubt giving him eyes from across the room.
“I talked to your assistant,” Adam finally said, his voice hard despite the playful look in his eyes directed behind me. “Erica.”
My secretary.
I clenched my jaw, wanting immediately to be pissed at Erica for being so uncharacteristically unprofessional. But Adam had a way with charming women senseless, whether it was in person or over the phone, and it didn’t help that Erica had an obvious crush on him since he visited my office early this year.
“Yeah, I was calling to see what your schedule looked like this weekend, and I was surprised to hear that your workaholic ass took a whole weekend off for once,” Adam explained, still smirking and shaking his head at whatever the waitress was indicating to him. “And Erica told me it was probably because you had a really rough week.” The smile was gone from his lips by the time he turned his eyes back to me. “Because of Camila.”
I knew I wasn’t doing a good job at disguising my emotions anymore, because Adam’s solemn look shifted to something tinged with sympathy.
“Look, I’m not judging, Iain. Lord knows I make some questionable decisions in my own life, and we’ve been through enough together that I will never judge you,” Adam said seriously, looking me dead in the eye to tell me that he was coming from the place he always was when shit got serious. From a place of brotherhood. “All I’m saying is that I think it’s time you made a decision on that shit already. Get some closure. Hell, do it tonight for your birthday, because we both know it’s slowly killing you. It’s fucking poisoning you every time you go.”
I felt my jaw tick as my pulse rose, but I made sure to keep my voice even as I spoke. “You never said anything for years. Why now?” I asked.
“Honestly?” he laughed weakly. “Because I’ve been doing a lot of shit I never do this week.”
“Like what?” I questioned.
“Reflect,” he said sincerely. “And think.” The faint hint of humor faded from his face as he frowned down into his drink for a second. “I saw this week the way my little sister handled her demons, and it just made me realize that she’s been so much fucking smarter than me this whole time.” His voice and his eyes glimmered with a mix of pride and remorse as he looked up at me. “I mean it’s kind of crazy, right? We thought she was just this shy little girl, but she’s actually been a fighter for a really long time. Longer than either of us. She suffered in silence for twenty-two years with my crazy, toxic asshole of a mother, but she just kept going and going. She busted her ass to figure out the right way to live, and now she’s finally doing that. She finally has the peace she deserves, because she cut out the bad people in her life. The people who were only ever going to hurt her in the long run.” Adam’s shoulders went up then fell harshly back down as he heaved a big sigh. “Which I’m pretty sure is what we’re all supposed to be doing,” he said, hitting me with a pointed look before finishing his beer and nodding behind me at the waitress for another round.
He said something about doing the right thing.
And then he went right into talking about baseball.
Outwardly casual, I nodded along. Shot the shit about our crazy line of work. Diva clients and the new collective bargaining agreement.
But underneath the table, I was wringing them so hard I thought I might break my own fucking fingers.
Because my mind had yet to actually move on from what Adam said.
From the fact that he was absolutely right.