“He actually did well enough in Triple-A that he got called up a few times. He posted pretty good numbers for this one five-week stretch, but then he got the shoulder injury, and it’s just set him back repeatedly,” I explained, my jaw tight at the thought of all the shitty medical advice Cole had taken in the past several years. All the times he was forced to play despite being far from full health.
I thought about the fact that he was injured again now, and still refusing all forms of my contact, let alone my offer—the one I’d written him in a letter—to simply set him up with the best doctors. He didn’t have to talk to me. Let me come to a game. I just wanted him to have a shot.
But he wanted nothing from me.
“There was a bad stretch where he was going to quit,” I said as I played absently with the drawstring on AJ’s hoody. “He wasn’t making any money. Had to take second, third jobs to keep the dream live. He was back to living that life where he couldn’t find a steady place to live, and he had too much pride to ask for help. But then someone found out about how he was living.”
“Who?”
“A teammate. From his time in the big leagues.”
AJ was quiet for a moment. Then her eyes went wide as she looked up at me. “Knox?”
“Yeah.”
I knew from Mom that Knox came through for Cole. It was only for a five-week period, but they were teammates on that Colorado team, and when Cole was sent down to the minors, he played for their affiliate in North Carolina, where Knox was from.
Since he had a home in Asheville, right where Cole played, he let Cole live there during the season. He sent Cole his weekly per diem, which was more than enough for groceries, and allowed him to drop his other jobs and simply focus on baseball.
Even in the off-season, he let Cole crash and train with him. His house was plenty of space for Cole, him and his girlfriend.
“Knox doesn’t have social media, but his girlfriend does, so admittedly…” I trailed off, laughing to myself at how ridiculous it sounded. “I’ve combed through all her social media to find bits of him, even if he’s just in the background or mentioned in the caption. Her page was private for a long time, so when it was public again, I…”
“Stalked your balls off,” AJ giggled.
“Yeah.”
We were back inside, making coffee by the time she asked what I knew was coming. Whether or not I was still trying.
“To get in contact with him?” I said. When she nodded, I shook my head, and when that made her frown, I could only give a sad smile. “At some point, it just becomes harassment. He wants to live his life. Try to be happy. Besides, he already has a brother figure in Knox. And as much as I wish it were me, I’m just grateful for that.”
“But… didn’t you want to sign Knox to get to Cole or something?” AJ asked. I shook my head.
“Cole’s going to find out soon that Knox signed with me, and it’s not going to change his mind about getting in contact with me. It might actually piss him off, honestly.”
“Then why do it?” AJ cocked her head, our legs mingling as we sat facing each other at the kitchen counter. I shrugged.
“Just to say thank you. Make his life easier. Get him paid like he deserves to be,” I said. “Maybe by some extension, I’m making Cole’s life easier, since at least he lets Knox take care of him.”
There was a little frown between AJ’s eyebrows, and I knew this wasn’t the happy ending she wanted, so with a smile, I took her hand.
“It’s fine, AJ. I’m good. Just because I’m not whole doesn’t mean I’m not complete.”
She blinked up at me and squinted. “How can you be complete without being whole?”
My eyebrows pulled together as I tried to remember my mom’s phrasing of it.
“Some people aren’t meant to be whole,” I said carefully. “But they can be complete, because when you’re complete, you’re saying this is what I have, and it’s still good. You accept the parts of you that are going to stay empty. Nothing’s ever going to fill up that hole. No one’s ever going to be my little brother besides Cole, but that’s fine. Because everything else I have in my life makes me complete.” I watched her process my words with a reluctance that made me laugh. “I have you. And because of you, I have Holland.”
“And Iain.”
I laughed. “And Iain.”
“And your mom?” AJ asked curiously. I nodded.
“Yeah, I have her, too,” I said, and as I smiled at her, a funny little look wiggled onto her lips.
“Am I ever going to meet her?”