“Emmett,” Julian ground out behind me, but it was too late. Someone had already asked what Emmett was talking about, and now, without thinking, he was explaining my role as a professional seductress in the Roth negotiations.
Oh my God. Stop.
The sound of my pulse in my ears drowned out the conversation around me. No one was supposed to know about the nature of my contract. Lia knew. Clearly Emmett knew. But now, all these strangers knew, and I couldn’t help but imagine that they were drawing unfairly sleazy conclusions about me. Then again, my job was to dress in skintight clothing to lure a pair of skirt-chasing billionaires to bid on Julian’s resort. Maybe the sleazy conclusions weren’t unfair.
Maybe this was just a part of me that I had never actually erased.
Too late, I cursed inwardly as I watched Emmett try to backtrack. I couldn’t hear what Julian and Lia had said to do damage control. Whatever it was, it clearly didn’t work because there were already several guys in the circle looking at me differently now. They were raising their eyebrows at me, their expressions stripped of the respect they had on when they thought I was Julian’s girl.
A feeling of filth crawled over my skin.
It was the same exact look I got from guys on campus after the incident. It was exactly this. The girls cringed like they were disgusted, but the guys looked like they were excited. Pleasantly surprised, even, in a dirty, sordid kind of way.
I knew what they were thinking. I didn’t look like that kind of girl – the crazy, kinky, reckless girl who would probably be an easy lay.
“So, wait, I don’t get it.” Pixie’s sharp voice pierced through my flashback. “You’re like… an escort for these men?”
My stomach turned, and my silence made her little red lips fall open.
“Wow, that’s…” She peered at a friend to her side and loudly whispered, “Yikes.”
My heart pounded out of my chest.
I was up and off already, my feet digging through sand as I paced away from the fire pit. I could hear Julian and Lia arguing under their breaths behind me. I hoped Lia would win the fight about who got to go after me, but I suspected Lukas had held her back, because it was the only possible way for Julian to win that particular matchup.
“Sara.”
“I don’t want to talk to you,” I said between my teeth. “Or anyone.”
“My brother is a fucking idiot, Sara, I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he muttered furiously. I swung my arm out of his grip the first time, but the second, I let him pull me close. “Please let me talk to you.”
“I don’t want to be here right now, Julian, I feel disgusting,” I protested. “I feel so dirty and disgusting right now. Those guys – they were looking at me like I was some kind of…” I shook my head, unable to finish.
I was crying. Apparently, I’d been. I wasn’t even sure when it started, but I prayed that the tears had waited till after I ran away from the pit. With Julian gripping me tight, I looked up at the stars to distract myself from the pain of my seizing lungs. I could feel the bad memories coming vividly back to me, and I couldn’t take it. They reminded me of all the guilt I’d managed to set aside in the past month with Julian. They reminded me of my mom, and how I knew she still worried about something twisted living inside me. I knew she worried that what I did in college wasn’t a fluke, and my recklessness was just waiting to come back.
I felt guilty for ignoring her calls.
I felt guilty for dressing provocatively, and being so sexual.
I had been so good at keeping her away for so long, but suddenly, the girl who hated herself was back, and she could barely breathe as she thought about what she’d done in the past four weeks.
“Come on. You’re coming with me.” Julian’s voice was firm as he guided me away. I wanted to shove him off of me, but I also needed him to calm me down like he had that night at the pool.
Before I knew it, he had me in the passenger seat of a car, the two of us speeding fast away.
23
JULIAN
I forced her to talk to me.
I hadn’t realized how badly I’d been needing answers about her till now, and the fact that my instincts were too late had me fucking enraged with myself. I was usually good at this. If I was missing information I needed, I gauged it fast and found some way to get it.
Of course, that was in my work life, and I had Sara confused with something I merely wanted.
I wanted to know about her. I wanted to understand why those dark looks clouded over. They happened rarely, and for barely a few seconds, but I had seen them in her eyes, and I wanted to know why. The problem was that I thought I only wanted it, so for the sake of avoiding indulgence, I didn’t press for the answers.
Of course, I was realizing now that understanding Sara was more than just a want at this point.